Kayla Snell

Why The Emotionally Unavailable Guy Is More Dateable Than You Think

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On paper, he's the perfect man. He has a great job, genuine personality and good work ethic. He's also morally sound, sociable, stable and always willing to lend a helping hand. He is everything and more, except for that one thing.

You get to know him. You have great conversations, and you feel like you're making a huge connection. But, something is still seemingly off. You just can't quite place your finger on it.

He is always there for you, and he's always there for others whenever they need him. He's the type of guy who will go into the trenches of battle, just to ensure he gets you out safely on the other side.

So, one day, you decide to check on him for a change and to see if he needs anything. He responds, confused and defensive almost. Another day, you encourage him by letting him know how appreciative you are of all that he does for you. He responds hesitantly, and he does not want you to offer him too much praise.

Maybe the other day, you tried telling him he is one of the most amazing men you've ever met in all your life. He probably responded in a painfully confused manner. Maybe he didn't even offer a response at all.

Your perfect man has no idea why you're offering him all of this support, encouragement and love. It turns out, your perfect man is actually emotionally unavailable.

There are few good men in this world. This is a statement I will stand by until the end of time.

Out of those few good men, many of them have had hard lives and rough childhoods. Sometimes, their rough lives may stem from parents who were emotionally unavailable, or even parents who were co-dependent on them. They may even have experienced traumatic events in their lives, like an accident or a death. This could have left them broken and forever changed.

They may have once been emotionally available, but they may have gone through horrible relationships that caused them to close themselves off to prevent future heartache. Whatever the specific circumstance may be, you are now in his life. You are now in a position to either give up on trying to make him feel or work at being there for him, hoping that one day, he'll learn to express how he feels.

How do you teach a guy who is so used to taking care of everyone else and ensuring that everyone else is OK that it is also OK to let you care for him sometimes? How do you rewire, rewrite and reprogram a mind that, for years and years, has been taught to give love and be there for others, but not to also receive love and make time for himself? How do you give love to a guy who has no clue how to receive it?

The emotionally unavailable guy is the most intriguing type to me. Our generation spins and turns on the wheel of consumption. People are just out to be with someone who benefits them, and they're only looking for what they can get out of every experience.

It is odd to stumble upon this type of guy, the kind who wants to give you all the love in the world, but hasn't a clue how to truly express it to you.

It is so difficult to go through the ebbs and flows of this type of relationship. Just when you think you've made progress in getting him to value and appreciate himself, something triggers inside. It sends everything you've worked so hard for back to square one.

It seems like it would be so much easier to walk away. You could go find a guy with all the feelings and no ambition. Or, you could go find a guy with false alpha male bravado, as well as insecurities on the inside that run for miles and miles. Perhaps you could find a guy who just tells you exactly what you want to hear when you want to hear it, even though it's all absolute bullsh*t.

Or, you could make the tougher short-term choice for a better long-term outcome. You could choose the emotionally unavailable guy. I would bet on him every single time.

When people show you how much they care for you through their actions — not just their spoken works — it's the only thing that counts in my book. The emotionally unavailable guy will frustrate you, make you laugh, make you want to hug and kiss him and make you want to cry. Sometimes, all this could happen in the course of one day.

But, I would choose to go through the journey of teaching a guy how to be loved, instead of having to go through the ABCs of how he should treat and love me any day.