Weddings are usually memorable for a handful of reasons.
First, you get to see all of the people you love and adore in the same room on the same night. Second, overflowing amounts of good food and free booze is enough to make any night memorable. And third, because while there are many things about weddings that feel repetitive, there's usually some type of mishap, funny story, or embarrassing moment that erupts at a wedding.
As a Bridesmaid for Hire, I've seen more of these moments than I ever could have imagined. I've seen fights break out between guests, brides passing out at the altar before saying "I do," and fathers giving wedding toasts that are so cringeworthy, all of the guys had their eyes bulging the entire 90 seconds.
So if you are getting ready to head down the aisle and marry the love of your life, it's important to know the kinds of embarrassing things that can (and probably will) happen to you.
1. Someone Will Give An NSFW Toast
It's bound to happen.
Think about it. Whenever you invite people in your life (whether it's your dad, your best friend, or any other relative and close friend) to get up in front of an audience and speak, after they have been flirting with the open bar for two-plus hours, disaster is bound to happen.
Plus, the people who give toasts about you at your wedding are also the people who usually know way too much about you. They are the people who held your hair back 19 times in college when you had too much to drink. They are the ones who changed your diapers and like to brag about that to this day. They are the ones you dialed up after you hooked up with someone for the first time. They are the ones who watched you go through puberty and deal with the kind of body changes that are just plain old awkward.
So while it may come as a shock when your maid of honor or your dad gives a speech that is totally NSFW (not safe for work — or your wedding), just know that the art of giving a toast, under the influence of an open bar, in front of a large crowd of people, can make people say and do the most outrageous things.
2. Your Bridesmaids Will Be Hot Messes
Being a bridesmaid is not an easy task, and because of all the stress that can be placed on your bridal squad's shoulders, they may use your wedding as a time to unwind.
Perhaps one of them shows off her drinking skills, and another goes missing with a groomsman for half the wedding. One may spill champagne all over her bridesmaid dress, and another will throw a temper tantrum because her curled hair updo isn't staying curled.
It can happen. As a professional bridesmaid, I've seen all of the above.
So what do you do when your bridesmaids turn into hot messes? Well, it's best to try not letting it get to you and instead, ask another, more sober member of the bridal party to intervene and make sure they can get the bridesmaid gone AWOL to chill out.
3. Your Dress Will Rip
Think your wedding dress is extra sturdy because it cost you a couple of thousand dollars? You may be wrong.
I have seen people rip their dresses more times than I wish. Usually the rip occurs on the dance floor, when they are trying to show off a dance move that retired in the '90s, when they are trying to squeeze out of the dress to go to the bathroom, or at the end of the night when they are a little drunk and unaware of the fact that they are wearing a massive wedding dress with layers and layers that can easily get caught on things like chairs, car doors, or other people's shoes.
4. Bodily Fluids Will Leak
This might sound like TMI to share, but it's important that you know the messy side of weddings.
There are a few bodily fluids that you might be showing off to your guests without realizing it. The first is sweat. That's an obvious one. Your dress will make you extra hot, so pack extra deodorant and a towel to dry off your armpits.
Next, urine. You will, at some point, have to use the bathroom in your wedding dress, and when you do, it will be hard, and it won't be pretty. Whether you have an army of people lifting up your dress so you can stand over the toilet and pee, or you try to do it yourself, you may find yourself peeing all over the place like a faulty water gun.
Finally, blood. Yes, there may be blood. I don't think there's any scientific evidence behind this, but I have been a bridesmaid for so many brides who got their period on their wedding day when they weren't supposed to. It can happen.
Always pack tampons or pads. And since you are wearing white, have someone checking to make sure you haven't leaked.
5. You'll Hit the Floor
One common wedding fear that a lot of brides say they have is that they are terrified they will fall when walking down the aisle. I've seen it happen. I have also seen brides faint at the altar.
There's that saying that people become their worst thoughts, and that may apply on your wedding day. If you find yourself consumed with the fear that you'll hit the ground, it may happen. So try to stay calm and walk slowly down the aisle.
When you are up at the altar, don't lock your knees, and kick off your heels if they are making your feet go numb. It may seem crazy to do, but it may save you from fainting mid-ceremony.
6. You'll Ugly Cry Your Makeup Off
No matter how many makeup trials you have or how much your makeup artist airbrushes you on your wedding day, your face glam may not last long if you find yourself getting emotional.
Too much ugly crying over vows, first looks, or just pre-aisle nerves may make your perfectly done makeup look like splatter paint all over your face. Handle your tears with tissue blots, and be sure to have extra concealer and makeup remover pads nearby in case you need to clean mascara off your chin.
No day in your life is perfect. Remember that as you plan for your wedding and know that if (and when) something embarrassing happens, the best and perhaps only way to deal with it is by laughing it off and realizing it will be an unforgettable story for all of your guests.