Sometimes, I wonder, "Was it really worth opening up to a person when I had my heart broken into a million pieces?"
And I always have conflicting answers.
We all love to hate love, even though deep down inside, that's the only thing we all yearn for.
We've all experienced that one heartbreak that felt like it was the end of the world. We've all believed we wouldn't feel true happiness for the next 40 years of our lives.
So, we started hating on love.
But eventually, we fall back into the same pattern of wanting love.
I haven't dated a lot of people in the 24 years of my existence, so I've never really had much to say about love. Plus, I've always been distracted by other things around me (academics, mostly).
Two incidents, however, have made me feel like I actually loved love. But then, I inevitably experienced my hate-love moment.
The first time I experienced true, undying love was when I got two guinea pigs for my 17th birthday. I absolutely adored them. I would literally treat them like any mother would treat her newborn babies.
One fine day, I woke up to give them their morning dose of food, and I saw one of them lying dead in its little hut. My heart broke. I literally felt like I was going to die from heart failure.
I know it's normal for pets to die because of their short life expectancy, but I never considered that possibility. I don't think I will ever get over my first pet's untimely death.
The second time I really fell in love (which can also be counted as a first, since this one involves a human) was when I thought I had met the man of my dreams at 19. I fell in love like they do in romance books and movies.
Sadly, the status of that almost Chuck and Blair relationship stands at "it's complicated."
I love to hate love. I get annoyed when I see people with such easy love lives.
I mean, I'm very happy for them, but it makes me want to sulk.
Why do I love to hate love? And how do you know if you hate love?
1. Love makes you cranky.
It makes you cranky AF if you don't get it in the dosage you want or need. I know so many people who are always whining that their partners don't give them enough time.
Love can be so frustrating at times that you really do feel like pulling your hair out.
2. Love makes you irrational.
Like I said, when I got my pets, I really did not think of the possibility of them dying. And when they did, I lost it. I couldn't believe something like that was possible.
Similarly, when my relationship status changed from #RelationshipGoals to #ItsComplicated, I was devastated, not realizing this is very normal.
3. Love makes you give up on things you otherwise wouldn't.
Career and education are the most important elements that define what you do in life. I know people who have destroyed their chances at good careers because they wanted to stay with the "loves of their lives."
Remember, love won't pay your bills.
4. Love instills trust issues.
I am the queen of trust issues. Thanks to my past experiences, I have a very hard time opening up to anyone anymore. I just don't have the will or the interest to start from scratch.
For instance, it's been five years, and the thought of getting a new pet freaks me out. I don't think I ever will.
And even if I go from "it's complicated" to "single," I really don't have the time, energy or heart to get it on with another guy. It will take me light years to believe the words coming out of his mouth.
It's like once you experience what real, true, great love feels like, there is no going back from it.
One of my favorite quotes from a Bollywood film, "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai," says,
We live once and die once, and we also fall in love only once.
I always thought this was all bullshit until it actually happened to me. Now, I just sit there wondering, "What did I ever deserve to do this?"
Love sucks, and there is nothing you or I can do about it.
It can be the best and the worst thing to happen to you. All you can do is embrace it with open arms and pray for the best.