A friend of mine came over the other night, distraught after a night out on the town. All the girls she went out with ended up going home with hot guys; she met a hot guy, as well, but her night didn’t go quite the same way.
Rather than taking her back to his place and banging it out, her boy walked her to her front door, gave her a kiss on the cheek and asked for the chance to see her again sometime soon.
Yes, I was just as confused as you are. What, exactly, was the issue here?
Well, apparently, this is the millionth time this instance has happened to my friend and she is convinced there is something she does that produces some sort of “girlfriend” vibe.
For help in rectifying this awful problem, she came to me. And, it was during this moment I realized, somewhere along the line, I inadvertently became an expert at dodging any sort of committed relationship.
I know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and there must be plenty of ladies fighting off dates like my poor friend. So, without further ado, let me help you repel them all with my expert guide on How To Not Be Girlfriend Material:
Avoid talking about your feelings like the plague
What are we? Cue: Find the nearest exit and get the f*ck out.
What’s the matter? Suddenly fake sleep and never revisit the question again.
I think I’m falling for you. Take 17 shots and let him respond for you.
Relationships are all about vulnerability. Vulnerability is all about talking about your feelings. The answer is to just avoid, avoid, avoid.
Be a f*cking horrible texter
If you are even bothering with a response, limit it to a very unenthusiastic array of one-word answer options. “Ya,” “k” and “no” are always great choices.
Absolutely never initiate any sort of conversation, and make it a point to forget to respond to very pertinent and up-front questions (i.e. “Want to get dinner tonight?” or “Did I leave my boxers at your place?”).
The point we are trying to get across here is you are a sh*tty communicator who has little to no respect for him (obviously, important points to get across, as relationships require both communication and mutual respect).
Maintain close friendships with any and all exes
Because you are not girlfriend material, “ex” here includes former hookups. These are relationships that amicably fizzled out, but could very easily resurface with any amount of boredom and tequila shots.
Maintaining a close inner circle of these former flames is a surefire way to repel any decent potential suitor.
Play games like it's your job
Hooking up leaves room for a lot of games and you need to be playing absolutely all of them.
He waited 30 minutes to respond to your text? You’re waiting 90 minutes (triple his time, duh). He hooked up with someone else? You’re hooking up with someone else in front of him. He asked you out and you’re dying to say yes? Say no.
Be a flake
Absolutely do not be someone he can “depend on.” You guys had dinner plans? Oops! You forgot. You were supposed to be his date to a work event? F*ck! Your nap went too long.
Constantly be aware of how many fish are in the sea.
Take a look at all the hot successful men roaming the streets and your Facebook News Feed. Hey, if those options aren’t doing it for you, load a couple dating apps so you can casually flirt while mobile.
The point here is to constantly have all of the men you will be missing out on if you commit to this one guy in the back of your mind.
Never put all of your eggs in one basket
You are now very well aware of all the options that surround you. So, obviously, you will constantly be taking advantage of them. Think of this as yet another game: You versus him. Whoever is monogamous first loses.
Steer clear of any and all chances of a sober hangout
You know who hangs out sober ALL of the time? Married people. Are you ready for marriage?! Didn’t think so.
Be a sloppy drunk
Think of the absolute drunkest girl at the last party you went to. She was making out with 10 guys, then puked in one of their faces and started crying about a falling out with her best friend, which may or may not have actually taken place.
You watched her get carried out of the party with pity in your eyes as you wondered, "Who would ever want to date that girl? What is she doing with her life?"
I’ll tell you what that girl is doing with her life: She is making for damn certain she doesn’t end up with a boyfriend anytime soon. Take a page out of her book and do this every so often (not too frequently, for health purposes) just to keep all your bases covered.
Bonus points if you black out and forget a special moment the two of you shared.
ALWAYS pick your friends first
Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day. Yes, he planned to fly you to Paris for what could very well be the most romantic weekend of your life, but your BFF wants to get froyo and go see "50 Shades of Grey."
This is a no-brainer. Say "au revoir" to Paris and "bonjour" to a medium original with strawberries and chocolate syrup. The fundamental point we are getting across here is he will never even remotely be a priority in your life.
Nothing like a little good old-fashioned TMI to turn any man off for good. Some fun topics could include a detailed account of the night you lost your virginity, or that one time you sh*t yourself at your best friend’s birthday dinner.
Really, anything involving pooping or other guys should do the trick.
Run away (do this regularly)
We obviously already went over how this is standard protocol for any time any sort of feelings get brought up in conversation, but don’t just limit yourself to that!
Running away for absolutely no good reason (mid-conversation, mid-walk home, mid-hookup) is always a good way to both bruise his ego immensely and put yourself in crazy category. (FYI, “crazy” does not usually coincide with “I want to date her.”)
Be scared sh*tless
If you are going to take one golden piece of advice from any of this, let it be this: Maintain a ginormous fear of falling in love, and I promise you, the rest of these will come naturally.