I'll never be the chill girl. That's just not who I am.
The only way I actually came to this conclusion was after dating a guy for almost a year and pretending that's who I was.
In that year, I wore this "DGAF" mask because I thought that was who I was. Or maybe I thought it was who I could be. Deep down, I had zero chill.
This guy would sometimes text me out of nowhere after not talking to me for a couple of days. I would text him back, acting like I didn't even notice.
In reality, I was texting my friends incessantly about if I should just text him first and checking his Tinder profile to see the last time he was active (aka the good, old days when Tinder let me stalk efficiently).
I always wanted to say how I was really feeling, but I just bottled it up because I was afraid of rejection. I didn't want this guy to get bored with me, and I liked him so much that if he was too busy to hang out when I asked, I would feel hurt.
I always want to say how I feel, but I just bottle it up because I'm afraid of rejection.
But my cowardice changed on the week of my birthday.
I wanted to see him on my birthday SO BADLY. But did I outright tell him? No.
He texted me over the weekend and asked me what my plans for that week were. I replied, "Not doing anything all week except on Monday. That's my birthday so I'll probably have plans."
What a great way to tell someone you want to hang out with them on your birthday, Arielle!
"Well we hung out on my birthday, so let's hang out on Monday after your plans," he said.
And that's what I did. Right after having dinner with my friends, I bolted to see who I really wanted: him.
That night, against his warm and sweaty arms, I found contentment. "Thanks for hanging out with me on my birthday," I whispered. "I'm glad you did."
This was a big deal for me. For a girl who couldn't even manage to say the words "I like you," I finally said what I felt. And it felt FREAKING AMAZING.
That lifted a giant weight off my shoulders. Building walls around myself and guarding them just so nobody would get in was exhausting. I didn't want to tip toe around anymore.
Building walls around yourself and guarding them so no one can get in is exhausting.
As months passed by, little by little, I tried to be more vulnerable. He was worth breaking those walls down.
One morning he texted me that he liked when I was open with him and that I made him really happy. He said he hoped I was happy too.
But I guess I was only allowed to be open about the good things I felt... because months later, I confronted him about how I felt like he was being distant and pushing me away. I felt like things were weird and told him that just because he was stressed out with his work didn't mean he could ignore my existence.
I guess I was also feeling a little insecure. Because we were only exclusive and not "official," I was scared he could just toss me away without a second thought. I suddenly wanted more. I wanted commitment.
But then, he told me I was "too much drama." Confronting him, he said, "didn't convince him at all to be with me."
Confused, I told him, "This isn't drama, these are my emotions."
"Well, I've never had these conversations with other girls before," he further explained.
I laughed, frustrated. "Just because other girls were too scared to say how they felt doesn't mean I am."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How could someone so blatantly invalidate my feelings by calling me "too much drama"?!
He wasn't the last guy to say something like this either.
A year later, I started dating someone new, and after a few dates, I told him I was only dating him and had cut everyone else off. I told him I knew dating one person at a time before becoming exclusive wasn't common, but it's what I wanted from him eventually.
He told me I was crazy to have those expectations in this society.
Yeah, so apparently, now I'm crazy, too.
I'm so sick of guys telling me I'm crazy or I'm "drama" just because I don't want to play these games anymore.
I'm not drama because I don't want to pretend I don't really like you that much, when I'm really head over heels.
Just because I don't want to pretend I'm busy and not text back for a few hours, when really my phone's been in my hand the whole time, doesn't mean I'm crazy.
I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL THINGS. My emotions are allowed to change. I shouldn't have to be stuck in a crappy situation-ship because I'm afraid my emotions might scare you away.
I'm not drama just because I know what I want, and it's not my fault you're a grown man who can't make a decision.
I shouldn't have to be stuck in a crappy situation-ship because I'm afraid my emotions might scare you.
Dating both of these guys just made me realize that I want someone I feel totally comfortable with. Someone who I can go to when I'm feeling stressed out or anxious, and they'll know exactly how to calm me.
I don't want to bottle things up because I think it will make guys like me more. I want to be with someone who respects my thoughts and emotions no matter how "intense" they may be.
I really don't think that's crazy or dramatic to ask for.