The Difference Between Having Feelings And Respect When It Comes To A Hookup
Let's start off with a little history. I'll be the first to admit it: I'm a serial dater. I'm the girl who always has a boyfriend. I get into relationships that last for years. As soon as the relationship ends, it's just another couple months before a new one blooms and then I'm there for a few more years. My friends sh*t on me constantly for it.
The second I get out of a relationship, I'm in full-on single girl mode. I'm counting down the minutes until Friday night, heading out for drinks with friends and tearing up the dance floor every chance I get. I turn into the ultimate single girl and the only thing on my mind is having fun and meeting new people.
The only issue is, I'm terrible at meeting new people. As soon as I'm out of a relationship, I head back to texting the same guys I know will be around and will give me the attention I'm craving. Even when I'm at the bar, I've never been the type of girl to introduce myself to potential suitors. I'll wait for them to introduce themselves and when they don't, I leave feeling defeated.
My boyfriend of almost two years and I just recently ended our relationship. I told myself that because I'm 22 and haven't lived my life nearly to its full potential, that I'd stay single for at least the summer to experience being in my 20s independently.
I was having a great time sparking up conversations with guys on Tinder, dancing with randoms at the bar and focusing on having a great time with my friends rather than meeting someone new. That is, until I was photographing a party one day and it happened; I met someone who I couldn't resist.
He had a great personality that I couldn't pass up. His jokes had me giggling like a schoolgirl, and let's not even get started on how physically attractive he was. He was successful, caring and social -- definitely the type of guy I could see myself with.
Within the next few days, he reached out to a friend of mine for my contact info and before you knew it, we were texting back and forth every minute for days. He seemed like a unicorn in the world of men since "wanna f*ck?" was the only thing I'd heard from a guy in weeks (thanks for that, Tinder).
Let me also just mention the fact that I've never had a one-night stand. It's just not my thing. I've always wanted to be the girl who is able to give herself to a guy for one night, no feelings attached and then not get a text ever again and be totally OK with it, even if just for a night or two. It sounds stupid, but sometimes it feels great to do something pleasurable with no strings attached for the sake of just being young, wild and free.
After I started to really dive deep into conversation with this dude, we made a plan to meet at the bar with some friends on a Friday night, and really get to know each other. We had an amazing time surrounded by all our friends, strong drinks and great music.
He ended up spending the night, which was something I totally didn't expect to happen because, like I said, I've never done something like that before. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the fact that I really liked this guy, but for some reason I was willing to let down my guard with him and see where it would take me.
Long story short: We didn't have sex because of some ladylike restrictions, but he was totally cool with it. Instead, we spent the night tangling tongues and discussing things like "small, intimate wedding or one with everyone you know?"
He fed me every line in the books about how he never does things like this with girls that he doesn't see things moving forward with, and because of the way he showed so much interest in my life the week prior, I believed every word.
After this night, the sexual tension between us was unbearable. I knew that I'd end up sleeping with him because a) he was sexy AF and b) I truly thought he'd be interested in me for more than a night.
For some reason that I'm still baffled by, things changed after this night. It seemed that after the night we spent together sans sex, all he could talk about was sex. It went from asking about my dreams and passions to getting late-night drunken texts like, "when I get my hands on you, I'm going to punish you." He was out there, experienced and exciting, and because of this, I needed to have sex with him. I ignored the fact that it was all he could talk about and all the genuine interest he had in my life seemed to have diminished.
After seeing that all this guy could talk about was sex, I decided there was no potential for an actual long-term relationship with him. He was clearly just looking to hook up and because I'm trying this new be-single-have-fun-and-do-whatever-you-want thing, I decided I'd be OK with a friends with benefits situation (like I said, he is sexy AF).
In the next few days, our conversations were bland. The typical, "hey, how was your day?" became the norm simply because we wanted to keep in touch for the weekend when we'd probably end up hooking up.
It finally came to Friday night and I knew this was the night. We were both out at the bar with friends. I told him where I was, thinking he'd come buy me a drink, butter me up all night then take me home and have his way with me. Turns out, he had a different plan in mind.
I opened my phone to an "lol f*ck you later?" text. After I had a small panic attack, I realized that this guy really had no sort of respect for me whatsoever. Sure, I'm cool with not having feelings and with there being no strings attached, but damn, at least have some respect.
It got me thinking: Am I really not worth a $10 drink to sleep with? Does this guy really think that I'm the type of girl who he can just meet up with for sex anytime he pleases? While I'm aware I made it obvious that I wanted to sleep with him, never once did I make myself sound like someone without standards. I started to beat myself up about it, but then realized that me wanting to have a one night stand with some decency wasn't the issue. The issue was him.
While I want to be young and spontaneous and sleep with whoever I want whenever I want, I realized that I can't stoop down to that level where there isn't an ounce of respect involved. Even when the relationship isn't going any further than a hookup and the guy is a solid 10, damn, I'm worth at least a Malibu cranberry pineapple.