You guys, I'll be the first to say that when it comes to first dates, I will never, ever know what I'm doing. I'm a generally awkward person, I'm terrified of everything, and just when I think I have something down, I do something dumb to screw it up. Honestly, it's a miracle I've made it this far in life.
So when it comes to decoding common first date lines to try to figure out what the hell my date is really saying to me, I'm 100 percent a lost cause. You're probably wondering, "Why can't we just say what we mean in the first place??" Because we're a generation racked with a crippling fear of rejection and judgment, that's why!
But don't worry. If you, like me, are fumbling around in the dark when it comes to finding someone who wants to hang out with you, maybe doesn't want you to die, and wants to kiss you sometimes, the people of Twitter are here to rescue you.
With the hashtag #DecodeFirstDateSentences, Twitter users decoded some of the most common lines you'll hear on a first date. And I've gotta say, these are, like, scarily accurate. It's almost like everyone has been deceived on a first date by someone who was likely terrified of rejection and judgment! Weird!
Here are all of your common first date lines decoded, so you never have to wonder what your date is telling you again.
Run, Forrest, run!!!!!!!
If who you are is a god-awful person, then we need to talk.
Children? Hard pass.
My. Dating. App. Picture. Wasn't. Taken. Right. Before. I. Came. Here. You. Dweeb.
My name isn't important. It's fine.
Money doesn't grow on trees, you know! Neither does my patience!!!!!!
Touch my food, lose a finger.
"I've never met anyone like you." Nah, I can point out about five people like me in this coffee shop.
I'm in between life crises right now.
Be your own boss!!!!!!
I no make words good?
I don't care what you do. Just please don't put stuffing in dead animals.
Does the constant and irrational fear, panic, and stress I feel as a result of my anxiety count as cardio?
Make room for mommy.
You know, you'd be more interesting than you are right now if I weren't here.
How was your great aunt Carol's hip replacement? Is she OK now?
Now, the next time you're on a first date, refer back to this list and only silently judge your date for literally every flaw they're trying to hide from you.
Just kidding. Don't judge your date. They're trying their best. They have a deep-rooted fear of rejection and judgment, remember? Cut your date some slack. I am your date. Cut me some slack.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!