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4 Things You Need To Know Before Dating An Unemotional Woman


I was in a comedy group in college. We spent a lot of time together, and like any group of mature, budding professionals, we created nicknames for each other. Most of them had an artistic flare, like D-Cork, KCD and Xtini. (In hindsight, it was just a list of poorly abbreviated names.)

My nickname was Snowflake. Why? "Because you are just stone cold," they would say as they shook their heads in horrified unison. That was my thing, I guess. I stomped on fragile hearts with my knee-high boots.

According to my Myers-Briggs results, I am typed as an ENTJ. If you're familiar with Myers-Briggs, you will understand this means my life is guided by calculated, logical strategy. If you are unfamiliar, I will give you a frame of reference. About 1 percent of women fall into this bucket, and of men the who made the cut, one is Joseph Stalin.

Thus, I was nicknamed Snowflake. I get it. I don't really express myself through sentiment. I drop people who are sh*tty —boyfriends, friends, Internet service providers — without a second thought. My motherly instinct is best exhibited when I carry a case of beer on my child-bearing hip.

But here's the thing: I'm not a f*cking sociopath. I've had the same group of girlfriends for 10 years now. I care about my family very, very deeply. I have loved, I have been loved and I have been in love. (Barf, right?)

Unemotional women exist. I am living, breathing, furiously typing proof of that. We are often confusing and/or misunderstood. So, allow me to help you understand us through my real, true love: a healthy outline of logical reasoning. Here are four things you should know about unemotional women:

1. Why we are the way we are is not for you to figure out.

If we are not sharing our feelings with you, it likely means we don't want you in our business. Expressing feelings does not bring us the wave of relief it brings many. It makes us feel exposed, like we are indulging in self-pity. It honestly makes us very uncomfortable.

We will share pieces of ourselves when we trust you and when we feel it will move our relationship forward. It's not always a mystery; sometimes we literally just have nothing to express. Be patient, and we will talk about what is important when it's important.

2. We freak the f*ck out when we lose control.

Occasionally, our otherwise placid beach of well-reasoned indifference is destroyed by a wave of emotion. I don't mean, like, we feel sad at a movie. What I mean is that something triggers our untapped reserve of sentiment, and we have a breakdown.

Something like a career change, finals week or a f*ckboy screwing us over acts as the straw that breaks the camel's back. Every feeling we've justified as being insignificant resurfaces as a collective beast. Because we are not used to letting feelings take the reins, we lose our sh*t. It's like putting a toddler behind the wheel of a car. We have no f*cking idea how to drive this thing.

So eventually, we'll crash into our wall, feel exhausted, rationalize why we had that meltdown and move on. This rarely lasts long, but in the moment it feels very, very real to us. So, just let us bitch it out. Offer us a few words of support, and let us go on our 90-mph way.

3. We are low-key thankful for the emotional people in our lives.

Because we rarely let ourselves be guided by emotion, we often associate them as being trivial. However, because we are not actually robots, we do feel. I can't tell you how meaningful it has been to have a friend in my corner who encourages this.

Had it not been for a friend who stressed the importance of experiencing shared, vulnerable love, I would have rationalized my way out of many relationships. My breakups would have led me into a very confusing, dark place. My friend reminded me it's OK to be sad when you lose something that once meant something to you.

We feel that anything that cannot be justified, explained or rationalized is wrong. It is therapeutic and very important to have someone remind us that none of those will do the trick sometimes.

4. When we care, it means we really f*cking care.

If we cry at the loss of something, show you signs of affection or truly share ourselves with you, it means we care very much. We don't cast a wide net. We're fly fishin', baby. We take time to foster relationships, friendships and careers we want to see evolve.

If we don't really like you, we can easily justify to ourselves why we don't need you around. If we have a glimpse of sadness, we can assess whether it's worth being unhappy over and if it will make a difference in the long term. We dismiss what doesn't make sense. We disregard what doesn't serve us. We're pragmatic in what we put our efforts and affection toward. If you are on that list, it means we really want you to be.