Your ex-boyfriend was tall, dark, handsome and, naturally, a complete assh*le.
So, somewhere between 22 and 24, you faked self-respect and started dating someone who could offer a little more stability and emotional support.
The new boyfriend is a perfect fit to the basic criteria you once outlined with all the essentials: beautiful, smart, abs and hates cats.
But, he's oh-so-overwhelmingly predictable.
And part of you desperately craves the one thing your old, dysfunctional relationship had in abundance: mind-blowing sex.
There was something about those aggressive urges and impulsive orgasms that spoke to your libido and taunted your inner bad girl.
And you can't help but ask yourself, "Why doesn't my new boyfriend act the same? Am I too fat? Am I bad in bed? Is he lacking testosterone?"
But, this new guy is perfect. And beautiful. And good with kids, which totally causes an ovary explosion.
I can get used to the non-impromptu car sex, right? Wrong. Because my mind always drifts back to those idle, glorious Tuesdays of sex du soleil, when I did tricks that would put acrobats to shame.
The dilemma? The perfect guy has the not-so-perfect sex drive. Now, I'm sure I'm not the only girl with a healthy sex drive who has found herself between a rock and a hard place.
And hopefully the rest of you share some of the following thoughts I have on dating a guy who is murdering your sexual spirit animal:
1. You don't need to have sex with me in the bedroom; elevators are okay, too.
The bedroom is great, especially after being out after a long night or waking up in the morning for flawless morning sex. It's all peachy and wonderful.
But, the bedroom isn't the only place for a little slap and tickle. Elevators, backseats of cars and office parties are all great, too.
Think of it as a "create your own adventure" experience. You never know what obstacles you may face, and that makes life exciting.
2. Let me grab you under the table at TGIFriday's.
As far as I'm concerned, I am entitled to express my feelings. Let me rub your leg and watch you get amped up while our chicken fingers are on their way out of the kitchen.
Building sexual tension is a good thing that will lead to a little dessert in the parking lot.
Word of precaution: If you eat boneless wings and get any kind of hot sauce, wash your hands or request a Wet-Nap.
If not, the fun and games end very quickly with an intense burning sensation followed by a vicious UTI.
3. Aggression is good.
Be aggressive! B-E aggressive! We all remember the cheer and get the idea. Do not be afraid. If you want to bite me a little or grab me, go for it.
I don't need all 50 shades; 15 or 20 would be plenty to keep the romance alive. And, I have no problem awakening your primal instincts with my nails digging in your back.
You're a tiger, baby. Show me those teeth.
4. Foreplay is your friend.
I bet any women can agree foreplay is the gateway to good sex. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, a quickie is more than satisfying.
But, that won't cut it on a rainy Sunday when you have five hours to kill.
Kissing is great, but fingers are better. Kiss my neck and my ears and make me feel like a princess.
Take care of me. Make me want it. All the little things will help with production and build up to a very grand finale. Don't rush it, babe.
5. Tongue isn't just for the French.
When I was 5, I used to kiss my mother on the mouth and tell her I loved her, and I am sure you did, too. Do not kiss me like you used to kiss your mother, please.
Open your mouth and show me you love me, merci. And please, do not be afraid to go down on me.
You love lying on your back and doing nothing, right? Well, surprise. Me, too.
6. Karma Sutra has identified 100-plus positions; let's not stick to the same one.
Guys often realize there are a couple go-to positions that get them to their goal. Missionary, doggy style, the classics, if you will. I am a fan of tradition. If it's not broken, why fix it?
But, I also believe there is always room for improvement, and your partner should bring out the best in you. You know my body, and I know yours.
If you f*ck me standing up, you won't discover I have a third nipple or something weird. I promise.
So, let's dance. Remember when you only ate chicken parm at a restaurant until you tried the fried shrimp? And now, all you order is the shrimp? Let's keep expanding that palette.
7. Let's talk.
Don't be afraid to ask me if I like something both during or after sex. During would fall under the category of dirty talk, which is graciously accepted within reason.
And after means you are really interested in if I enjoyed myself, which is even better.
I can tell you what I love, and you can criticize the techniques I use on you. It's all for the sake of improvement. Think of it as a step-by-step for how to train your dragon.
8. If I am showering and the door is unlocked, it's an open invitation.
We've been dating for over six months, and I won't be freaked out if you appear naked behind me in the shower.
I left the door unlocked, and it wasn't so your roommate could accidentally take a glimpse at my new bikini wax and spray tan.
That's all for you, buddy.