Hello, boys, and welcome.
My name's Candice, and I'm here to teach you how to stop looking like a creepy perv and start actually getting girls.
Let me begin by painting you a little picture: You think this girl is hot. You don't necessarily want to marry her (maybe you do), but you're interested in boinking her at the very least.
Maybe you've been on a date, maybe you just heavily flirted at a bar one night or maybe you just recently got her number from Tinder.
The point is, you're lucky enough to have scored yourself her number, and the ball is now officially in your court.
You could play your cards right and actually score some hang time with her, OR you could come off like a total creep and never hear from her again.
Let me help you avoid that whole "coming off like a total creep" option.
Read these nine texts, MEMORIZE THEM and make a mental note to never salt your game by sending anything even remotely like these:
I admire your confidence or maybe even that adventurous willingness to ask the question on the off chance that she will, in fact, think to herself, "OMG, he demanded I send pics. I gotta drop everything I'm doing, jet to the bathroom and snap a few nudes!"
Unfortunately for you, and fortunately for the state of humanity, odds are, she will not do this. Instead, she will block your number and never speak to you again because you are a perv.
Why are you asking? Because you really want to call her and chat about this scary nightmare you had? Because you really want to take her out for an impromptu five-star meal? Because your mom's in town, and she just has to meet her right now?!
Yeah, I didn't think it was for any of those reasons. If you want her to come over for a booty call, at least do better than the most standard, boring, booty-call text of all time.
I have always had a personal vendetta against the phrase "what's up," including any and all of its variations (even "sup"). WTF DO YOU EXPECT SOMEONE TO RESPOND TO THAT STUPID QUESTION WITH?
If you want to know how someone is, here's a thought: Just ask, "How are you?" If you want to say hi, literally just say, "Hi." WHY BOTHER WITH THIS DUMB, WEIRD, SLANG QUESTION THAT MAKES NO SENSE?
My personal problems with the term aside, this is just a pitifully bad text. You look like you don't care, and not in an "OMG, he's so hot because he's 'hard to get'" kind of way.
No, you look like you don't care in a "Does he know how to carry out a normal human conversation? Is he well? Does he have basic interpersonal skills?" kind of way.
The follow-up question mark
Her not responding to you was not an accident. She does not need your unnecessary and, frankly, super annoying reminder to suddenly make her respond.
Even if it does finally get her to respond, I promise you, it's not getting anything done to make her like you.
Just an eggplant emoji
"Sorry I've been MIA" when she hasn't reached out to you.
This could actually be a nice text if she had, you know, actually reached out to you, and you totally blanked on responding.
This is NOT a nice text if she didn't reach out to you at all, and this is your awkward, weird way of popping back into her life.
Why isn't it nice, you ask? Well, because you just made her out to be a pathetic loser who spent so much time waiting around for you to text her, you literally had to send her an apology for not doing so.
It's condescending and rude. Get over yourself.
OMG, SHE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTING HER SERVICES SO KINDLY.
A follow-up "U mad at me?" text
So you said something you know is pretty rude, and she didn't respond (because it was rude), so you decided to follow up by asking her if she's mad?
Here's a tip: If you have to ask, she's mad.
Maybe next time, just don't send the rude text in the first place?
An unsolicited, shirtless mirror pic
I don't care if you have the body of an Abercrombie model and the face of Ryan Gosling (who actually already has the body of an Abercrombie model, so I guess that first part was redundant), DO NOT EVER DO THIS.
This is the number one way to make a girl 1) stop talking to you, 2) screenshot your conversation and 3) put you on blast in a group text with all of her best friends.
You look like a tool. And she is in no way, shape or form attracted to that picture.
Throw away that old Bible your mom gave you. THIS is your new Bible, and these are your nine commandments. Don't break them.
(Also, don't actually throw your Bible away. I'm not trying to get anyone burned in the fiery pits of hell here.)