If You Have To Convince Someone You're Right For Them, Maybe They're Not Right For You
I once spent nearly two years trying to convince the woman I was in love with that she should love me back. It was both an amazing and miserable two years – probably the most amazing and miserable of my life.
In the end, I got what I wanted; she fell in love with me. Well, I guess saying "in the end" is a bit misleading. Since she fell for me, we have managed to break each other’s hearts countless times and are now no longer on speaking terms – nor have we been for quite some time now.
If someone were to ask me whether or not it was all worth it, then I would say "yes" in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world – regardless of how painful it was.
The experience made me the person I am today. I, literally, would be a completely different individual, so different that I wouldn’t be able to recognize myself.
But, and it’s a big one, I’m still single. So what was the point of trying to convince this girl that I was right for her when, in the end, it turns out that I’m not?
It’s difficult for me to say that I would go back and do things differently. I’m always wary of such statements because as life is the result of cause and effect from one experience to the next, if we didn’t do and experience what we did, we wouldn’t be where we are today. And I like where I am today. I love who I am today.
Nevertheless, trying to convince someone to love you doesn’t work. It’s not that trying to convince a person to love you can’t possibly make that person love you... because it can. I experienced that firsthand.
This is not to say, of course, that you can make anyone fall in love with you if you wish it so. But sometimes it does work. Unfortunately, like all good things, it comes at a price.
Convincing somebody to love you is a lot of work. Any spy will tell you the same thing. People are more willing to love those who they already know love them – it’s safer.
One of the greatest fears we experience in our lives is the fear that the person whom you love won’t love you back. This fear is the reason that so many people are afraid to love and avoid allowing themselves to do so.
We don’t want to love only to learn that our love isn’t requited, that it isn’t appreciated – that we aren’t appreciated. For this reason, it’s easier for us to love someone we already believe loves us.
The problem when you’re trying to convince someone to love you is that you yourself have to be head-over-heels for that person. So much so that you’re bordering obsession – if not totally immersed in it.
Obsession is a very, very dangerous thing. It warps our reality, shifts our values and makes us lose a piece of ourselves. The longer we are obsessed, the more we lose. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, and deciding to convince that person to love you will almost certainly lead to obsession.
This may be more or less true from individual to individual, but if you have a competitive character and a big ego, then you’re likely to fall into this trap.
Obsession is a horrible thing because it masks itself with intense emotion – both pleasant and horrible. The more we try to convince someone to love us and the more that person refuses to do so, the more intense the experience becomes.
Now, if you manage to come out the other end successfully – you manage to convince the person you love that you are the right person for him or her – you quickly realize the price that you have to pay.
As obsession brings extreme emotion, and it all quickly fades once you have attained what your heart desires. Being obsessed with making someone love you leaves you feeling empty once that person finally does love you. It’s a horrible joke.
Human beings don’t live in a reality where they experience things for what they are in the moment. We live in a reality where we compare that which is to that which was – we experience the difference.
Just as we are only capable of experiencing the change in velocity that a car is traveling and not the velocity itself, we are incapable of appreciating things for what they are, but rather what they are, compared to what they have been.
We notice change more than we notice anything else – it’s a survival instinct. Convincing someone to love you to the point of becoming obsessed will leave you feeling hollow once you succeed.
The thrill, the intense emotion, the constant thoughts and worry running through your mind, it all quiets down, leaving you feeling empty. You tricked yourself into believing that those thoughts you had and those emotions you experienced were love. You tricked yourself into believing that what you felt was love and love alone.
Any person who has ever been obsessed will never admit that he or she is obsessed, and for this reason has created a tainted definition of love.
The saddest part is that after all the hard work you put into chasing this person, you come out worse than when you went in. Before you had unrequited love. Now, you no longer understand the meaning of love and are incapable of loving for some time.
Was it all worth it? Honestly… I don’t know.
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