Chronic Monogamists: 15 Struggles Perpetually Taken People Understand

by Lauren Martin

Everyone talks about monogamy like it’s some foreign concept or outdated word.

Most people go around Snapping, Tindering, sexting and whatever else they think “not cheating” is, but there are some serious monogamists out there — people in actual relationships. And then there’s The Chronic Monogamist.

The Chronic Monogamist is the girl or guy who's always in a relationship... and never the same one.

While you have trouble finding one relationship over the course of five years, this person's had six.

They're the people who just seem to understand how it works (or they’re just really, really hot). They don’t leave a relationship until they’ve lined up another, and will be damned if you ever catch them in a single state.

While we perpetually single gals can only look at The Chronic Monogamist with adoration and envy, there are some downfalls.

I mean, you can only have so many relationships before you start messing up names and switching anniversaries.

There are only so many people your parents can meet before they refuse to take anyone seriously.

While we’re all jealous of Chronic Monogamists and would love to learn their secrets, let’s take a second to learn their struggles.

1. None of your single friends understand.

All those problems you’re having with your boyfriend/girlfriend fall on deaf, single ears. Not only does no one have advice to give you, but no one gives a sh*t either.

In some cases, it’s even rude to complain about your so-called “problems” to people who'd do anything to bear any of your so-called "burdens."

2. You have a few crazy exes, not just one.

You don’t just have one psycho ex, you have four or five. The problem with lots of relationships is lots of scorned lovers and angry breakups.

For the average dater, we have one or two psychos we can trade funny stories about. You, on the other hand, are contemplating relocating.g

3. You can’t relate to your single friends… ever.

It’s not your fault, but it’s also not theirs. You've forgotten what it’s like to be alone in the world, struggling with the dilemmas of one-night stands and bad first dates.

You can’t relate to their problems anymore than they can relate to yours.

4. Whenever you go somewhere, there’s always a chance for an awkward encounter.

You don’t just have one ex to run into, you have 15. You have a multitude of restaurants, drugstores and movie theaters you have to avoid.

5. You second guess the first time you said, "I love you."

By the fourth time you’re saying it, you can’t help but second guess the first time you said it. How can you love so many people?

You know you did, but maybe you didn’t…

6. You’re not as quick to say "I love you" anymore.

Now you’ve said it so many times, you’re more hesitant to say it next time. You’ve learned what love lasts and which is just lust.

With each relationship, you become a little more hesitant.

7. You’ve bought way too much red lingerie over the years.

You have a closet full of expensive lingerie that just seems wrong to re-wear, but a waste to throw away.

8. You’ve wasted way too much money on birthday gifts for people.

When you think back to all the money and wasted DVD box sets you spent on men and women you thought you’d be with forever, you can’t help but want to kick yourself for not just making them massage coupons.

9. You never see yourself going off birth control.

At this rate, you could start your own pharmacy.

10. Your parents never take the next relationship seriously.

You try and wait until it’s gotten serious enough to introduce your SO, but you still have a longer roster than most people have relationships.

11. Your friends have stopped learning their names.

It’s not that they don’t care; they just don’t believe it’s worth it. They'll learn your newest flame's name when it becomes serious enough to believe you won’t dump him or her within the next six weeks.

And even then, they’re still hesitant.

12. Your friends don’t care when you have a breakup.

Because they know you’ll be in another relationship before they can get out an “I’m sorry” text. They don’t really care if you’re upset.

13. You suspect people have a countdown to when your next relationship will end.

You’re either paranoid or dead right. It's most likely the latter. You're not immune to your title as “serial dater,” and even though you resent it, you can't help but be happy you're not perpetually single.

14. You’re so good at sex, your partners are insecure.

It's one those of those catch-22s. If you're bad, they want someone better. If you're good, they can't help but wonder why.

15. You’ve had every fight already.

The relationship you're in now most definitely gets the raw end of the deal. You've had every fight, every makeup and every monumental moment (several times); you know how everything ends, so you don't even put effort into pretending you're angry to begin with.