Reuters

Why Brexit Has Been Just About As Effective As The Pullout Method

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By now, you have heard the news. Britain has voted to leave the EU.

In one of the most monumental screw ups in the British political system -- or most political systems for that matter -- the United Kingdom has managed to leave the warm, safe cocoon that is the European Union and go it on its own, like an angsty, spotty teenager who demands he get some respect because he's "all grown up" but really needs to come home to his mom at the end of the day because he can't even do his own washing.

So where do we go from here? I'll tell you right now: Nobody knows. But I can tell you one thing. Brexit has been as effective as the pullout method so far and as such, everyone is regretting it the morning after.

The pullout method is unreliable, and if I'm honest, just plain stupid. It doesn't work, kids; it's too risky. You think you're safe and then suddenly, you're sitting in your bathroom looking anxiously at a plastic stick you just peed on, hoping the worst doesn't happen.

But let me tell you, the worst has happened. We're leaving the EU, and now we've screwed up our own lives for years to come. Do you know what else can screw up your life for many years? Unplanned children. Yeah, once you get the hang of it, it's fine more often than not. But, you know, that's a real risk.

I'll be honest. As someone who lives in Britain, everyone thought Brexit wouldn't happen. We're in the unknown, folks. No one thought to check what was going to happen afterwards. It's kinda like sex -- you think of the lead up and the act itself, but what happens after? In this case, and in the case of the pullout method, a disaster.

OK, yeah, there were cons to the European Union as there is to everything. But they were certainly better than the alternative. The alternative we're now about to live.

No one believed that this decision would create such a monumental global shift, but guess what? It's happening. It's like the people of Britain have written a list of all the things they care about, like "the economy" or "avoiding an immigration crisis" or even just "not inciting mass panic," and now they've turned around and said, "Nah, we'll risk it anyway."

You know, kinda like the mental list we've all made at one point or another as to why we shouldn't have kids, like "social life" or "sleep" or "more sex" or "being able to hit up McDonald's at 3 am just because" or "how the hell do I bring them on an airplane without them annoying everyone for five hours?" and then just being an idiot and think pulling out will be 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy. Not so much.

Within a number of hours, Brexit already caused the currency to fall dramatically and could very well trigger a recession, costing the average British household thousands a year. You think that won't happen with your risky contraception method? Think again. Brexit will make Britons poor, as do children.

While the votes were being tallied during the night, Google Trends noted a 250 percent spike in the amount of articles read about what will happen once we leave the EU. While the votes were being counted. Are you freakin' kidding me? Talk about a dangerous game. That's like turning around after sex and saying, "Oh, maybe I should've put this condom on." YOU THINK? Don't think that reading up about it after the act is going to help you, my friend. The deed is already done and you're already in trouble.

London was mature. So was Scotland. They weighed up all the pros and cons and although some boroughs voted Leave, the majority voted Remain. Because they were smart. They thought about their future and the gravity of this one decision.

And the architect behind this, Nigel Farage, has already gone back on his pledges. It's been mere hours since the votes have been counted and he has already gone back on his word to give our National Health Service £350 million. Sound familiar? Think of that guy that made you feel so safe, telling you that it was all going to be OK, nothing would go wrong if you don't use protection, and then BAM, you're in a pile of trouble and he's backtracking like a reversing car.

Poor old David Cameron, the Hugh Grant of this particular romantic drama, has resigned and is probably knee-deep in vodka right now. Get it now while the imports are still coming, right? Good on you, mate.

And unsurprisingly, lots of people regret their votes. People have come out and said that they thought it wouldn't count or they thought it was safe. One guy interviewed on British TV said he regrets it, but thought HIS vote would never be effective. Dude, please. You knew what you were doing. You can't make a decision like that and complain when it all goes wrong. YOU DID THIS.

It only takes one risk, guys. One risk to screw everything up.

But do you know what the scary thing is? It's the unknown. It's not knowing whether everything will be fine or everything is going to fall to shit. It's that two minutes you're sitting in the bathroom, waiting for that test to predict your future. And it doesn't seem like it'll end well.

So now we're just left waiting. As with the risky pullout method and the subsequent unplanned pregnancy that you're just not ready for, we're sitting here, wishing we had been better prepared or had just thought harder about the consequences of our decision. We're blaming everyone but ourselves, but unfortunately it's too little, too late and we're stuck in purgatory.

Just waiting.