The Unique Pain Of Falling Out Of Love When You Live With Your Partner
We all know that falling in love feels like pure f*cking magic. There is no feeling quite like that (good) knot you have in your stomach when you're starting to fall in love with someone. The bubble you live in couldn't be any pinker, and the rainy days become romantic instead of depressing.
Oh, those wonderful days.
Everyone knows the feeling. You suddenly sort of pity your single friends because you forgot how awesome it is to be in love. You have the stupid smile you can't get off your face because you know there is someone who is going to cuddle the sh*t out of you that night. The ridiculous number of messages on your phone make you happier. You become more confident, and shaving your legs becomes the first thing you do when you shower.
Let's not forget about the sex. I have never had spontaneous one-night stands, so I can't compare it to those kinds of steamy hot nights of passion. But I do know sex with the person you love is pretty f*cking amazing. I hate the words "making love," but I can't pretend that's not what you do.
That moment you just fall in love, and all you want to do is crawl into your SO's arms so hard that you basically become one? It's gross, but it's true.
All of this is brainwashing, but amazing. It's not scientifically proven, but it would not surprise me if people actually get a little stupider when they fall in love. Unfortunately, there is a downside: Falling in love means there is a possibility you might fall out of love.
That sh*t hurts. Now, don't get me wrong; falling out of love is torturous enough as it is. It is mean, unexpected, unwanted and creeps up on you in the cruelest way. But falling out of love when you live together is a whole new level of torture:
1. You don't see it coming.
You can compare it to gaining or losing weight. When you see your ex every day, you don't notice the difference. It happens slowly and gradually. You genuinely don't see it until someone goes all #TBT on you.
It's like that. When you start living with the person you love and the intense, crazy love phase gradually dials down, it seems logical. You get used to each other. You sleep in the same bed every night, and you wake up together every morning. It takes a long time to realize that you did not just "get used to it: " The feeling actually disappeared.
2. You discover a level of denial that you didn't know existed.
Once that thought has popped into your head, it doesn't leave you. That realization that you might not love your partner anymore creeps up on you everywhere you go, and at the most unexpected moments.
But when you live together, you still have really nice, unexpected moments too. If you're anything like me, you will deny the sh*t out of it.
You will hold on to the way it was, and to the feeling you used to have because you remember how happy it made you. Who wants to lose happiness? That's right: no one.
3. You realize it's true.
You can look at old pictures and think of some good memories, but you feel incredibly sad. You know in your heart that it's just not like that anymore.
When you have dinner, or when you're lying on the couch together, you can look at him or her talk and think, "What the hell happened to us? What happened to me?"
"Why doesn't this do anything for me anymore? Why don't I love his or her stories anymore? Why don't I feel the need to jump him or her anymore?"
The truth will hit you where it hurts the most. You fell out of love, and your heart breaks every time you think about it.
4. You have to deal with it every day.
Every day when you see your SO, you feel sad. Every time he or she goes out, you don't care anymore. Every time he or she gives you a kiss, you feel guilty. Every time he or she talks about the future, you feel sad and mean.
There are so many conflicting emotions you have to deal with when this happens. It feels like your brain is about to explode.
You don't really get a break from it because during the day, you're working. At night, you feel too sh*t to go out. So, you want to be home.
But home is where the SO is. There is literally no escaping this one.
You want to love him or her. You want him or her to be "the one." You want to feel the same, and you definitely don't want to hurt him or her. But dealing with it every day only confirms your gut feeling.
5. You have to do something.
You have to come to terms with it and do something about it. But when you live together, this is obviously easier said than done.
You saying, “Hey, I don't love you anymore, and I think we should break up” is f*cked up enough as it is. But following those words with “You have to move out” is just unthinkable. Yet, you know you have to.
If you're lucky, in an incredibly twisted and psycho way, your partner feels the same. It is no one's fault. It just happened.
Sometimes, you don't have to know what happened and why it happened. All you have to do is accept that it did. When you both fall out of love, it hurts like a bitch. But you're aware that you do still love each other in a deeply profound, caring manner.
You realize it just wasn't in the stars for you guys. You know you will both end up happier if you go your own way. You know that neither of you holds a grudge.
If you are really unlucky, it's a one-sided demise of love. This will hurt even more. However, if you get stuck in phase three or five -- aka, brutal denial or doing something -- you are not doing anyone any favors.
Falling out of love is not your fault. There is no need to feel guilty or bad about it. The only thing you can control is how you go about it. So, do as your parents taught you, and be nice.