The Second Brain That All Men Have

All men develop a disorder right around the time they hit puberty. This disorder, officially dubbed "Multi-head Disorder" by Paul Hudson M.D. from Elite Hospital for the Normally Challenged, has caused poor decision-making among men from the early ages of 12 all the way through the Viagra years of the 90s.

Men have started wars, ended careers, killed and been killed all because their little soldier wouldn’t stop saluting. There is no need for alarm — I’m here to help. There is a way to treat it, a way to stop falling victim to your second, albeit more entertaining, head.

Been putting off important tasks because you’ve been too busy humping? Don’t have time to hit the gym because you need your mid-afternoon orgasm? Coming in late or missing work entirely because you’ve been up all night having a tantric sex session? Are you a man with a penis? Then you, my friend, suffer from Multi-head Disorder.

Having a penis makes things both more interesting and more confusing. You may be the most diligent employee in an entire company, but as soon as the possibility of getting your dick wet comes along, you basically forget all your goals and aspirations.

Sex is very important and even more importantly, it’s very fun. It allows us to keep our bodies healthy and our minds clear. It helps us relieve stress and connect to our more primitive selves. Other than allowing the human race to survive, sex allows us to connect with others on a extremely intimate level.

But sex also has its downsides. Other than the common risks associated with sex like STDs and the P-word, sex —specifically the sex organ — can run your life if you let it. The trick is to not let it.

Only one thing is needed to fight Multi-head Disorder: logic. Logic is man’s, and woman’s, most powerful tool; it is what separates us from the other beasts. Logic is the only tool that has ever been able to overcome the strong pull that a penis has towards a vagina — or depending on your sexual preference and practices — a butthole.

Without logic we are nothing. Luckily, we are all born with the ability to reason and prioritize and that’s what it takes to overcome this sometimes-overwhelming disorder.

There are only so many hours in a day and so many days in a week. We are only allotted a minuscule amount of time in comparison to the total scheme of things. We are given one life and one chance to accomplish what we believe we are here to accomplish.

Unless that involves becoming a porn-star, your penis should not be running the show. There’s a reason why the head atop of your shoulders is bigger than the one below: you’re supposed to use the former with more regularity than the latter.

You are supposed to be going through life with deliberate, thought-out, logical action. You need to live life with logical purpose if you want to be successful and happy. We all experience a similar inner struggle; there always seem to be opposing forces inside us going in each and every opposite direction.

This inner opposition is not something to be afraid of — we are literally capable of anything, meaning that any and all possibilities are possible. Only being human, we want everything and our inner forces reflect that. Of course we want to have a nice home, a successful career, good friends, a loving family and a wife that may as well join the rodeo with the way she rides you.

We want it all — but we can’t have it all. Our body has needs, needs which are relayed to our brain and which affect our cognitive thinking. The number one culprit is — you guessed it — our dicks. The reason why we enjoy listening to our little heads is quite obvious: it always leads us to orgasmic bliss. So not listening to Jr. would be denying pleasure.

This doesn’t seem logical, and many times it is not. I am a very big believer of fucking as much as you possibly can. Fuck in the morning, fuck in the evening, fuck at supper time, fuck until you pass out from exhaustion — just make sure that there isn’t anything more important that you ought to be doing.

Life is about deciding what is most important to you and prioritizing. If you want to spend your life finding new ways to bend her over, who can blame you? I sure as hell can’t, but you must have other goals, other things that you believe in. What is most important to you? What is your passion? Your calling? How do you want your life to be?

Yes, you want to be having sex several times a day — great. But do you plan on doing that at your parents house? Or would you rather be doing it in your penthouse in Tribeca? Or at your loft in Paris? Or your villa in southern Italy? Do you want to be getting road head in your Porsche or in your Civic?

Your life unfolds as you decide on your actions. If you always give into that which gives you pleasure you’ll be sure to end up unhappy. Pleasure is only pleasure when it appears in contrast to your regular life. The more rare it is, the more enjoyable it will be.

Now, I’m not saying that you should only fuck on holidays, but decide what you want out of life and logically decide your best actions. Be efficient. Believe me, you’ll find time to explore the human anatomy at some point or another. Multi-head Disorder is not curable, but it is treatable. So go out there and follow your dreams — you're bound to come across a few wet ones.

Paul Hudson | Elite. 

For more from Paul, follow him on Twitter @MrPaulHudson