Why Your Biggest Downfall As A Single Person Is Your Own Mentality

by Ella Cajayon

The single mistake we make as singles is having the mentality that being single means always having to be happy with where we are in life.

It’s easy to think that being single means being happy on your own. And, on one hand, that is exactly what it means.

But on the other hand, thinking all we are supposed to feel, as singles, is happiness is simply naïve of us.

Yes, people need to be able to stand on their own two feet, but it’s okay to need a lift from time to time, especially when we do not feel 100-percent content or at ease with where we are in our lives and relationships — or lack thereof, for that matter.

You would think being single looks good when it's paired with independence, and independence never seeks loneliness, right?

But, it’s just so easy to get defensive when that’s not the case.

By throwing up a wall when we’re caught off-guard, we believe we can justify how we got from point A to point B. (Especially when the end result wasn’t nearly what we had expected.)

We tell ourselves that if we at least appear to be happy, the perception will diminish a longing for a dialogue from the other side of the equation.

We try to draw conclusions as explanations of closure we deep-down know is never promised to us.

When reality dumps on expectations we did not even realize we had, sometimes we try to pull ourselves together by saying we saw this coming, even to the extent of going so far as to proclaim that this is what we had wanted all along.

Then, and only then, when all this is said and done, we can be happy. Right?

But that’s where the conflict falls; we assume happiness and independence go hand in hand.

Independence looks pretty when you’re Beyoncé. But, even Queen B knows pretty hurts — sometimes. Seriously, it’s okay to feel lonely.

That doesn't make us any less independent. Being alone versus feeling lonely do not and will never equate to one another.

We’re allowed to be upset and we’re allowed to be sad. That doesn’t have to mean we’re not independent and stable, though.

It simply means we’re not robots or numb to feeling anything, which is definitely a good thing.

Not being thrilled about our lives every second of every day doesn’t make us irrelevant.

We are not meaningless, even if someone else doesn’t see what we have to offer. We have our dreams and ambitions. Even if we’re not close to these people, we come from somewhere because each and every one of us has a family.

This means we are people in a long line of predecessors and history. This means we have a purpose, even if we’re not quite sure of what that purpose is just yet.

We are dependent in the means of having a place in this world, but independent in the sense of knowing that loneliness is a feeling, not a necessity that must be fulfilled right away.

More importantly, we need to realize that our relationship with ourselves is just like one with anyone else.

It’s not going to be rainbows, butterflies and sunshine out of your ass every day.

A relationship with yourself is sometimes a battle between your head and your heart and finding sanity somewhere in between the two.

It’s knowing that despite the Instagram-worthy moments, your relationship will never be as pretty as a photo — nothing in our lives ever is.

Maybe the true beauty behind our relationships with ourselves and with anyone else lies within what it took to get there.

A happy ending doesn't assume a happy beginning. It’s about what it took to get us to where we are in our lives that makes it all worthwhile.

Even if the single mistake we make as singles is assuming our singledom parallels our happiness, above all else, we need to remind ourselves that our mistakes do not sign our fates.

Maybe you’re just single right now because that’s just how the cards were dealt.

There’s a time and place for everything, like maybe, you'll find “the one” at a run-in at your favorite coffee shop or he or she will pick up your groceries that fell out of your cart when you were in line.

Maybe “the one” drinks coffee the same way you do; maybe “the one” is just as clumsy as you — something you never thought you could find in another person outside of yourself.

That’s just it; we really can’t predict whom we’ll meet, when we’ll meet them and how or why we cross paths.

Living our lives, covering up how we truly feel is not preventing us from future regrets; it’s holding us back from future potential.

No, we don’t have to be happy all the time. And no, that also doesn’t insinuate that we’re sad. It simply means we’re human.

No matter whether we are single or taken, that is something that will never change.

Feeling anything less than happiness isn't something to be ashamed of. If anything, it’s our moments of weakness that makes what’s good in our lives so great and special. And, that is something we should never want to hold back from.

We are single, not because of our single mistakes, but because the ride isn’t over just yet.

Once the “mistakes” are said and done, that’s when something and someone who could make us genuinely happy could finally step into the picture.