I want to let you in on a little secret: Just about every woman has faked an orgasm.
No matter how mighty your mojo is, there are times when we just can’t make it happen. Our plumbing works differently, and while you have two heads that lead you, we only have one.
Before you become bummed out, trying to decipher if our “oohing and aahing” is pure fiction, here are the top reasons a woman will fake an orgasm:
1. We have something else on our minds
With deadlines, train delays and credit card bills piling up, it’s not always easy for us to turn off our inner switch and go into sexy mode.
We will try, and sometimes if we're lucky, we can get into the mood, but occasionally, our brains refuse to shut off. Instead of telling you this, we fake our orgasms and take one for the team. Before you know it, we start thrusting and pumping and panting all while thinking about our task list for work the next day.
We may be better at multitasking, but even we are not that good.
Try this: To help us ease out of our day, let's have a glass of wine and conversation before you rip off our clothing.
2. You took too long
Think of our arousal as a passing train: You need to hop on just in time or it will pass you by.
Women have turn-ons in waves; one minute we can be hot and ready and the next we can be back at zero. If you see the train coming into the station, hop on!
We love foreplay, but when it goes on and on, it can become a bit boring. Some women don’t need a man to perform for three hours straight; most are more than happy with a 30-minute romp in the sack. Taking your time to get to the destination can get you left behind.
Try this: If you want to spend a lot of time on foreplay, which no one is telling you NOT to do, start at a slow pace and gradually increase your intensity and speed. If you think of arousal in levels, you should start at zero and work yourself up to 10.
3. We don’t cum on command
In the throes of passion, talking dirty can really turn us on, but when you command that we cum, you just put pressure on us. What if we can’t? Would you like us to stop mid thrust and say, “Ummm, I’m sorry I am not ready,” or would you like us to keep the groove going? That’s what I thought.
Try this: Ask that your woman be verbal during sex, and when she feels the mighty O approaching, tell her to say it loud and proud. Depending on where you are with your orgasm, the two of you can cum in unison. Just remember that the ending isn't the only point of watching the movie.
4. We are tired
Those nights when you stumble in at 3 am slurring dirty fantasies in our ear while rubbing all over our butts can be hot, and we totally think it’s cute, but we probably went to sleep four hours earlier or we are just as tanked as you.
We may slowly turn over to “greet you” and our hearts will be in it, but our brains are either still deep in slumber or drowning in cocktails. Neither of us will remember the whole thing in the morning, but that doesn’t make it any less fun.
Try this: Send a text the next day asking if she can remember last night's rendezvous. It’s the easiest way to come home to seconds.
5. Your moves have gotten stale
Remember that thing you used to do with your tongue that caused car alarms to go off because of her screaming? Well, if you do that every time, eventually it gets old.
We love it when you do your double hip thrust, triple pump and jab; it’s your move and we are thrilled that you have one! But if you pull out your one best move too often, the anticipation wavers. Too much of a good thing lessons our stimulation.
Try this: We love that you have a wild side and we want you to explore it. Feel free to have a couple of moves in your back pocket for special sessions -- you know, like your lucky underwear -- to keep our toes curled.
6. You keep doing that thing we hate
It’s always been your fantasy to pull our hair, smack our ass and call us sexy sluts, and everyone deserves the right to fulfill those fantasies. It may not be our fantasy, though, so when you do that thing you do that we don’t necessarily like, it takes us out of our zone and fake orgasms commence.
Try this: All relationships need communication. If you need to bite a woman to get off, try reasoning with her or compromising with something she wants to do.
The worst thing would be doing it without her consent; then you won’t have to worry about her faking anything, because she will probably stop having sex with you.
We understand that just as our orgasms make us feel amazing, they should make you feel great, as well. For most women, when we fake orgasms, it's our friendly way of trying to save your ego because we know a good time can still be had by all, even if we don’t get to the finish line.
Recent studies actually show that faking it can lead to the real thing. So when we shout to the rooftops and whip our hair back and forth, we may not be having a physical orgasms but we are having mental one. We just want you to know it feels good to us, too, even if our bodies don’t respond.
So don’t take offense to a fake O; take it as a compliment.
Photo via When Harry Met Sally