5 Times Science Confirmed The Obvious: Being Single F*cking Blows

thais ramos varela

Sometimes I'm fine with my chronic singledom. These moments happen when I'm texting multiple guys at once and feel like a pimp baller.

Or when I book a weekend getaway and don't feel I need to check in with anyone. Or when I get home late from work and don't have to worry about someone waiting for me.

Or when I go out and remember that I can flirt with anyone. Or when I can have as many guy friends I want -- and no one guilting me for it. You get the picture: Being single has its perks.

But there are just as many moments when I read articles claiming that “single people are 58 percent more likely to die,” and I freak the f*ck out.

I swear I feel fine, and then there are DOCTORS out there doing RESEARCH that proves I am going to DIE if I don't find a stable, loving boyfriend ASAP?!

1. Single people have more health problems.

A 2010 study by the Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research found that “compared to their married counterparts, single men and women have higher levels of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, adjustment problems, suicidal behavior and other forms of psychological distress.”

Yes, you read that LIST of mental disorders correctly. And yes, it's okay to laugh with me about our pitiful misfortunes.

Am I single BECAUSE of my higher levels of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, adjustment problems, suicidal behavior and other forms of psychological distress?

Also, how am I supposed to enter the dating world now that I know I have this sh*t stacked up against me?

2. Single people die sooner.

Start making arrangements for your funeral ASAP, because your (lonely) death is approaching. Okay, so I'm being dramatic.

You probably aren't going to die anytime soon, so you can chill. But you're definitely going to die earlier than your committed friends will.

A study conducted by UCLA researcher Robert Kaplan and published in the September 2006 Journal of Epidemiology and Community found that those who had never been married were 58 percent more likely to DIE than married people.

3. Single people are unhappier.

I consider myself a fairly happy person. I'm healthy, I have great friends, a fantastic family and a job that I love.

If asked to rate how satisfied I am with my life, I would say "very." Apparently, among other single people, this puts me in the minority.

A 2015 study from the UK's Office for National Statistics, “Measuring National Well-being: Our Relationships,” asked participants to rate life satisfaction from 0 ("not at all satisfied") to 10 ("completely satisfied").

While 58 percent of those surveyed who were in serious relationships (either married or cohabiting) reported high life satisfaction (either 9 or 10), with a mere 21 percent of single people reporting the same.

4. Single people aren't sleeping through the night.

I don't love sharing my bed with people. I absolutely cannot stand listening to snoring, and I get up to pee about 30 times during the night. Sweet, tender snuggling throughout the night is just not an option.

But I also would be lying if I said I got a great night's sleep every night. I get a lot of anxiety before bed (see my first point) and lie awake for a long time before falling asleep.

Apparently I could solve this problem by sleeping with a partner. (Okay, "quickly" doesn't really apply here, as I don't know how long it would take to establish such a relationship.)

A 2012 article in The Wall Street Journal featured the findings of Dr. Wendy M. Troxel, an assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh.

Dr. Troxel had published a 2009 paper claiming that women in long-term relationships had better sleeping patterns than single women.

Not only did they fall asleep more quickly (BYE to my hour of lying awake anxiously), but they also were more likely to sleep through the night (BYE to bathroom trips).

5. If you stay single for too long, you're more likely to get divorced once you do marry.

Sometimes -- usually after watching a rom-com or third-wheeling it with my favorite couple -- I consider what having a special someone would mean in my life.

My friends seem happy, and it would be nice to be just as content -- with the right person, that is. But I'm in no rush to do that anytime soon. When it happens (preferably in my 30s, please?), it happens.

My reasoning is supported by modern society, which tells us that we have all the time in the world to marry. As it turns out, waiting longer doesn't mean that our marriage will last longer.

The Institute for Family Studies just came released a study by Nicholas H. Wolfing titled “Want to Get Divorced? Wait to Get Married, But Not Too Long.”

Wolfing discovered that our optimism about late-in-life marriages is warranted -- to an extent.

Wolfing found that the divorce rate does decline as individuals marry later (wahoo!!), but this trend disappears after people's early 30s. Beginning at age 32, Wolfing writes, “odds of divorce increase by 5 percent per year.” Ouch.