Here's the thing: When I lost my virginity about six months ago, I was completely clueless.
It wasn't to the extent that I didn't know the meaning of the word sex, how babies are made or that I watch porn on a daily basis; I knew the basics.
What I didn't know were all the small details porn left out and society failed to mention, like sex in the bathroom isn't as hot or comfortable as you'd imagine, or that your mascara will always end up all over the bedsheets.
So, after a few months of embarrassing encounters, I reflected on all my sexual escapades with close friends, and came to the conclusion that there are plenty of things many heterosexual girls don't know when they journey to pop the proverbial cherry.
So, for all the heterosexual female virgins out there, this one's for you. Look at this as your own little black book to the art of debauchery.
Hopefully, your entrance into the world of sexual escapades isn't as much of a f*ck-show (no pun intended) as mine.
1. Erectile dysfunction is not a myth; it’s very real, and it will ruin your sex life.
You should probably know, as much as guys like to boast about being able to stay hard for hours, about 40 percent of men suffer from erectile dysfunction. This means they will go soft without notice, and probably around the time you’re almost about to meet your orgasm.
With that being said, do not freak out (I repeat, do not FREAK out!) if he can’t get it up or if he goes soft inside of you. This has nothing to do with you or the way you look. It does not mean you are terrible in bed or are not sexually pleasing.
Unfortunately for me, no one had the decency to mention this, so I spent a good month of my post-virgin life being completely mortified at the fact I couldn’t even get a guy to stay hard.
So yeah, if you happen to encounter a guy with ED, don’t think it’s game over. It’s never game over.
Just console him with a pat on the shoulder, and after an appropriate pause of three seconds, guide him to your nether-regions to help sort out the situation he caused.
2. You will most likely not orgasm the first time you have sex — or, even ever.
Yes, that’s right; all the liter-otica you've been reading is nothing more than a collection of brilliantly constructed lies.
Unfortunately, sex isn’t like an overrated Sylvia Day novel. It’s actually 3,592 percent harder for women to achieve an orgasm compared to males. Of course, this is not statistically accurate, but based on my experience, it’s not exactly inaccurate, either.
We females are wired in a more complex way than men, meaning we require more than just a slight brush of fingers for us to "jizz in our pants."
Hang on, though, don’t proclaim celibacy just yet. Sex is more than just having an orgasm.
While it’s true, finishing is 10 times more satisfying, unfinished sex is just as satisfying. Maybe it’s just us girls, but we don’t always have to finish to have amazing sex.
Sometimes, all you need is just the right amount of dirty talk and the frantic movements of an insatiable man to give you that post-coital euphoria.
3. Sex is not what you expect it to be.
So, I mentioned before that sex is not liter-otica. Elaborating on that, sex is not what you see in the movies, either.
There will probably not be a million candles lit because if you’ve ever watched "You, Me And Dupree," you will know candles are just a really big fire hazard.
Also, sex does not come with a soundtrack, unless you decide it does. If you do play incredibly clichéd sensual songs in the background, you’re going to have to live with the fact that your first time reflects basically every clichéd blushing-virgin porno ever created.
So, here’s the DL: Sex comprises of foreplay, dirty talk, oral, embarrassing noises and awkward moments.
There will be moments when you don’t know where to look, where your hands go or even what you’re doing, but that’s just sex.
You learn as you go, and you will love every awkward experience because living a reality is way better than living a fantasy.
4. Safe sex does not mean just putting on a condom.
Safe sex is not just buying a rubber and slipping it on the big ol’ banana. No, it’s more than that.
There are several things you need to know about making sure your rubber is perfectly 99 percent effective:
1. Leave an air bubble at the top of the condom: This stops his liquid gold from breaking the condom once he comes.
2. Do not use oil-based lube, baby oil, or any oil as lube unless you want a yeast infection and/or a baby: Oil is basically prime fuel for bacteria to multiply, and when in contact with a condom, it essentially eats away at it.
3. More is not always merrier: Doubling up condoms, contrary to popular belief, does not equal more protection, but less.
The friction occurring between the two latex sheets of magic will cause breakage and small tears, which will allow his little minions to infiltrate your helpless egg.
5. Sex is more than the insertion of one genital into another.
Sex is not a simulation of a fickle person who can’t decide whether he wants to stay in or go out. Sex is the satisfaction of carnal desires.
It’s a wonderful and intimate activity shared between two people who may or may not be familiar. However, the general consensus is sex with someone familiar is a lot more satisfying, due to the sexual chemistry that’s developed through being aware of the other person’s wants.
It’s always amazing to learn the language of another person’s body and realize exactly what makes his or her toes curl.
You should also know sexual chemistry doesn’t just happen; it takes a while of learning what the other person wants and needs.
However, in the rare occurrence that the sexual chemistry is just hitting all sort of high levels, remember to punch his number into your phone and possibly take down his address.
After all, he’s not going to turn you down if you turn up at his house at 4 am in need of a good shag.
6. Being loose is a myth; it is very unreal, but it will still ruin your sex life.
The loose myth is honestly one of the most uneducated and ridiculous things a sexually-active person can believe. The vaginal muscles are conditioned to relax and allow easy entry when the female is properly turned on.
This myth is stupid and it will ruin your sex life because you will think in order to be sexually pleasing, you must be tight and, therefore, not turned on. This is NOT true.
The next time you hear some ape raving on about banging a "tight little thang," make sure you mention very loudly that she mustn’t have been enjoying it very much.
And then, watch with glee as he turns a bright shade of red.
7. Periods are unpredictable.
We all know this. We knew it from when we were 13 and our period decided to arrive during a swim meet.
It's a universal fact, something all girls know: Periods are unpredictable.
So yeah, number seven isn't just for all the heterosexual females in the house; this one will go out to every female alive because god knows we've all had embarrassing period moments.
The embarrassment level will vary on a scale of random uterus-revenge-attack while you're in white pants, to Carrie being drenched in pig's blood at her school prom.
With that being said, I feel as though it's my responsibility to inform you that you will experience at least two more period-sex mishaps.
Periods are natural, unpredictable and will not hinder you from the feely-good vibes of sex, as long as your partner's not opposed to it.
Periods are nothing to be ashamed of, really. A lot of couples still do the deed when it's that time of the month, and honestly, you can't really expect to go through all of life without one embarrassing period-sex story.
They are perfectly natural and nothing to be shy about. Sometimes, though, it's a little hard to remember when you're halfway through a one-night stand, and you realize you're both swimming in the red sea.
There's actually no real advice I can give you for when you end up in this situation, except maybe excuse yourself to the bathroom and crawl out his window?
In all honesty, I still haven't recovered from my first experience. Impromptu period sex is inevitable, and when the time comes, just remember to keep your head high and deny everything.
8. Virginity is a social construct.
The last thing you need to know is that losing your virginity doesn’t have to be a big thing. You can do it with someone you love, are familiar with or even a completely stranger; it's up to you.
The loss of virginity is different for everyone.
While this article is directed to heterosexual females planning to lose their virginity, it should be also understood that there are different forms of "popping your cherry."
Remember, losing your virginity is different for everyone in the way you do it, the way it feels and the significance. There are no rigid guidelines on when you should do it, how you should do it or what it should mean.
Don’t let society force you into believing that your virginity is something that must be given a lot of thought.
Don’t let other people tell you it means nothing, either. You have to decide what your virginity means to you because it’ll only ever be what you make it out to be and nothing more.