I was texting a friend one night, and as our conversation was coming to an end, I habitually inserted my sarcastic, yet serious, closing statement after wishing her a good night. I wrote:
"Find me a boyfriend, k thnx."
I fell asleep before she responded, and I opened her text in the parking lot of my office before work.
(I like to spend a few minutes sitting in my car, before I sacrifice eight hours of my life in front of a computer, ruin my eyes by staring at a screen and flatten my ass that I squatted and lunged for hours to obtain.)
Her grey bubble read back, "NO, DON'T FIND BAE. BE BAE."
Whoa. That was pretty deep for 8:42 am. She probably didn't mean for it to hit me so hard, but those two sentences were two baseball bats swinging away at my feels.
Why are we always "looking" for Mr. or Mrs. Right? Why are we always "searching" for "the one?" Why are we always seeking happiness, comfort, love and attention?
We are always looking, searching for something. My friend continued:
"Like honestly, you just need to stop looking for someone. My friend stopped looking for a boyfriend after years of terrible dating, and then one day, she met the love of her life. They've been together ever since! So stop looking; he will just come to you eventually."
Honestly, that is a great way to look at the situation. Stop looking, and let someone come to you.
However, why can't the alternative be to stop looking, and to start being that someone who is sought after?
Why not embody the traits you're looking for in your ideal companion? Why not exude the characteristics you appreciate so much in others? Is it fair to stay idle and wait for someone to stumble upon you?
When the question is your happiness, why is the solution to encourage disengagement rather than to encourage personal growth and change?
I've come to realize it's easy for us single folk to do a few things. We can easily list the attributes we like and dislike in "the one," and we can easily complain about our singleness. We easily give up on ourselves and on others.
I get it; I understand it's a bit more difficult and complex to become introspective and proactive with ourselves and the relationships we will encounter in the future.
It's tough work to sit down and pick out your flaws. It's even tougher to think of ways to fix your flaws. And it's toughest to put forth effort in the reconstruction of your errors.
Newsflash: Life isn't easy. Try harder.
It is so easy for us to list off qualities we want in our future significant others, yet most of us do not actively project these characteristics. And that absence and inactivity is selfish.
You're looking for honesty, but you lie all the time. You're looking for ambition, but you haven't applied for a job in years. You're looking for deep conversations, but you're as deep as a kiddie pool.
We are always looking for the perfect people, but why aren't we working on ourselves to be the perfect people these someones might be looking for? Why can't we project what we would like to receive?
Now, I'm not referring to physical attributes. If you are really attracted to men with beards, I am not asking you to attempt to grow a beard (unless you want to).
Though, there are characteristics that attract you mentally, intellectually and morally. And those traits can, and should, resonate in you before you hungrily search for them in others.
Relationships are all about giving and receiving, so stop being selfish.
After polling my single friends on Facebook, here are the most common qualities and attributes we're looking for:
1. Become driven and motivated.
Ambition, motivation and drive are sexy as hell. Not many people see someone sitting on the couch all day, unemployed and slightly overweight, due to the high consumption of saturated fats, and say, "Ah yes, very sexy."
Someone who has goals, who pushes him- or herself to do better is always seen as sexy. Someone who inspires you to do, give or be more than you are is someone worth your time.
However, it should be a two-way street; if she is constantly inspiring you, pushing you and picking you up, what do you offer back? (Spoiler alert: If what you offer back is the ability to "make a mean grilled cheese sandwich," it is not equivalent.)
Rather than sitting back and selfishly reaping in the luxuries, try becoming driven and ambitious. That way, you can work together to push each other.
2. Be honest.
We all want someone who can be honest with us in any situation, ranging from, "Does this make me look fat?" to "Did you cheat on me?"
You can not expect someone to be truthful to you 100 percent of the time when you yourself are not sipping on the honest tea. You'll have to look for the truth within yourself before seeking it in others.
3. Be the "u" in "values."
Values and morals differ from person to person, and from cultural to personal ideologies. They are subjective, but, simply put: If you want them in someone else, you need to have them yourself.
4. Be an intelligent (wo)man.
I often hear people complaining they can not find intelligent SOs, yet these same people are finding their daily news through Perez Hilton.
No disrespect to Perez, but if you're looking for someone who is more conscious of current events or knowledgeable in Chaucer, please make the effort to expand your intellectual horizons as well.
5. Be open.
There is nothing sexier than arguing passionately about something that started out as a joke. And instead of simply throwing words back and forth to each other, your SO catches your words and takes the time to understand what you're saying.
Then, your SO admits he or she can understand where you're coming from.
POV is incredibly important in all aspects of a relationship.
6. Be present.
As much as we all secretly want to be the main character, who doesn't want to be saved?
"The chase" concept was fun in middle school for two weeks after our first kisses, and then again during junior year, a month before and after every school dance.
"The chase" made another appearance in our sophomore year in college, after we "totally outgrew" the party scene. And now here we are, just so over it.
Be yourself, be emotionally available and be present. Just don't be difficult for no reason; it gets old.
We're always looking for the perfect person, the perfect characteristics and the perfect jawline. We give up on ourselves after we seem to hit a dead end from searching for all those years.
The two options for obtaining happiness in our lives should not be limited to either seeking and searching, or sitting idly and waiting for someone else.
Collect yourself, and understand what you want. Understand that in order to receive these great qualities, you must portray them, as well.
Embody your ideals, strive for your beliefs of greatness and play fair. Happiness may come to you, but there's no guarantee. Think positive, and stay proactive.