What To Do If You're Mad At Your SO For Cheating, But You've Cheated Before
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Question from the reader:
Gigi,
I have a very important question. I read your story on "if you love, you won't cheat," and I'm a lot like you.
All my life, I've been wild and free. I've been dating this girl on and off for a year now because I'm not a relationship person. I'm a player, but she thinks we're in a relationship. I don't, though, and I've told her this before. I've been with eight other women behind her back, and I just found out she cheated on me. I have trust issues, but I trusted her, since she claimed she couldn't live without me.
This was two months after we moved in together. I just want to kick her out, but I don't know why I haven't yet. I've been single my whole life. I'm 24 now, and all I've done is jump from one women to the next. I'm not afraid to admit that.
Her excuse for cheating was that she tried for a year to be with me. I never made her feel wanted, and I never took her out on dates. I never did anything to make her feel like she was mine. I constantly pushed her away, which is true.
But now, I'm confused. Why do I feel hurt? Why do I feel betrayed, when I never give a damn about her? I never treated her right in the first place, and I never wanted her. So, why do I feel devastated? Why can I feel like I can never forgive her?
- Mack
Hi Mack,
Thanks for reaching out. I actually get a lot of questions from guys and women in similar, emotional conflicted situations such as this. Let's chat.
I'm going to give it to you straight, dude. Relationships are hard. I get it. Emotions are confusing, and sometimes you just don't know why you act out in certain ways. Truly, it's a defense mechanism. It's easy to keep someone out if you keep blocking yourself off.
That being said, I stand by my statements in that article 100 percent. You may think you love this girl, but you don't. At least, not enough. And the same goes for her. She hooked up with that guy because she was also acting out. You haven't been attentive or true to her, and this is how many people choose to try to make themselves feel better when they are in unhappy, toxic romantic relationships.
I don't mean to be harsh, only honest. I expect you were looking for advice on how to save your relationship. But, this isn't a good relationship. It's very apparent this isn't working and it's very unhealthy.
Your cheating is your way of acting out because your relationship is not functional, and you're not ready to commit to someone. Your girlfriend isn't giving you what you want. She isn't going to give you what you want.
She's NOT "the one." You don't cheat on "the one." And that is REALLY OK. You're 24. You don't have to settle down right now. Like you said, you've been single your whole life. You really have to learn about yourself before you commit to someone else. You can't just jump into fidelity without having a strong foundation to stand on.
I suggest doing some serious self-reflection to figure out what you want out of life and out of love. Don't go after what you THINK you SHOULD want, but what you really do want.
To address your jealousy, this is why you're jealous and angry: You want to have your cake and eat it, too. I know this sucks to hear, but you're being f*cking selfish. Of course she's going to go find love somewhere else if you go around having sex with other girls all the time. It takes two to tango, man.
You can't kick your girlfriend out. You are both equally in the wrong. That being said, you should not be in a relationship with each other, let alone living together. I would absolutely suggest resolving the living situation immediately.
You have to face the facts, Mack. It's not working. She may say she can't live without you, but she can and she will.
Two people need to completely devote themselves to being there for each other 100 percent to make a relationship work. Love shouldn't hurt this much, and it should never involve such egregious betrayal. Love should build you up and make you happy. Sure, everyone has his or her rough patches and fights, but love should not make you want to cheat out of frustration, anger and dissatisfaction.
I hope you find happiness in the future, but you won't be able to until you come to the realization that sometimes, you just have to let go of the toxic forces in your life. Only you can control your actions.
The last thing I want to say is this: No amount of advice from anyone (or me) is ever going to make you end your relationship. Only you can come to the understanding that this isn't what you want and you deserve something more fulfilling. Until then, you'll probably fight it to the bitter end.
It's not going to work just because you want it to work. You aren't a cheater because you're a sh*tty boyfriend; you're cheating because you're in a sh*tty relationship.
I'm sorry. I know it sucks to hear, but it's the truth.
Hope this helps.
Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi
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