“You must meet so many guys being in London,” a friend of mine who doesn’t live in London recently said to me. Well, the short answer is no.
I mean, in the literal sense, yes of course I meet males, daily. I work in a male-dominated industry (then again, what industry isn’t?), and my female to male ratio of friends is about 50/50.
But in a romantic sense, not so much. And, I’m not the only girl to have this "problem." The way I'm talking, you'd think there was a male shortage epidemic here, but there's not.
In fact, there are 155 men per 100 women in the city of London alone, according to the Future Foundation think tank. So, what I want to know is why the hell do I never get chatted up (by the men I'm interested in)?
Now, before this starts to sound narcissistic or arrogant and you start thinking, "What do you expect, hoards of Armani models falling over themselves for you?" No.
I’m no Miranda Kerr, but I have some really bloody hot friends and every single one has said she never gets chatted up when out, unless it's unwelcome attention by overly confident rich (short) wannabes who don't actually make their own money (they use daddy's).
So, gaining the right kind of male attention is what I’m talking about here.
The majority of my nights out, granted, consist of dining with a girlfriend, then maybe a drink after at a bar, before collapsing in (my) bed by 11 with a stomach full of Malbec and three courses worth of food.
So no, I don’t expect to meet the man of my dreams while chop-sticking my sashimi in a restaurant on the next table. But, there is the odd (actually, rather frequent) occasion I do go on a proper night out.
It is on these occasions that one would expect to engage in intelligent (drunken, tequila-fueled) conversation at the bar with males. Alas, no.
The majority of the sorts of guys who approach me and my friends have not been, let's say, our "type." (They’ve been absolutely sloshed, fuglies or sloshed fuglies, and I have to pretend I’m engaged or a lesbian to get rid of them.)
In example: On Saturday night, I went "out-out." I was with a babe of a friend, and we were in a rather male-dominated bar. Sure, guys looked, but none came over… except for the token dancer.
You know, the one who thinks he can really dance because he's had six shots and believes he's MJ reborn. And, I don't even have resting bitch face.
The only guy I spoke to all night in said bar was my first ever Tinder date, whom I randomly bumped into, and I actually spotted him and ushered him over.
Side note: We never had a second date, reason being we both turned up wearing identical outfits: a quilted jacket (it was winter), burgundy jeans and suede camel shoes (though to be fair mine were wedge boots). So, from the get-go it was awkward, though we clearly both have amazing style…
But that was short-lived. I introduced him to my friend (he seemed to have lost his), and I relayed the awkward first date story. Luckily, he found it hilarious as well (and he’s not a fugly), and that was the end of that. We all got our separate Ubers home, and I was in bed prepped for another hangover as the sun rose.
Now, I don’t complain about these things without getting both sides to a story. Since I'm lucky to have male friends who are very honest, I decided to ask them what the deal was.
Ladies, this is interesting, so listen: Based on the feedback I got, I concluded guys are basically so used to hiding behind their smartphones, using dating apps and constantly swiping right, they can't physically approach a girl without feeling scared of rejection.
Comments from my guy friends are below:
"If I saw a worldy in a bar, to be honest, I would assume she was definitely not single, and if I went up to her and she told me where to go (away), my ego would be shot to pieces." "Girls are intimidating. Hot girls are terrifying.' "I play it safe and either go home with someone who was clearly eyeing me up all night, who usually would be average, or I wait for a girl to approach me. If she’s a stunner, it’s a bonus."
So, why do we girls have it in our heads that chatting-up etiquette should follow "guy approach girl" rules?
For me, it’s a tradition thing. As a woman, I was taught (by my dad) that us girls should be courted, chased, put on a pedestal and be worked for.
But it’s modern Tinder times, and guys seem to be lacking confidence and also fear the lack of the unknown. With social media and the likes of dating apps dominating our "dating" lives, people are essentially hiding behind online personas.
When we are faced with the real thing, we freeze. We don’t know how to deal with it, unless we’re absolutely smashed. Which really is quite sad.
But, I also get the rejection thing on a man’s part. If you think about some of your responses to guys on dating apps, we don't think twice about being a bitch because we won't see them again, or at least we hope we won't.
So, apply that to real life, and guys will think girls will be mentally swiping left at the club, so it's just easier for them not to approach unless they're certain you're fair game.
Thinking back to my personal lesbian or engaged excuses, if a guy trying to chat me up knew I made such an outrageous excuse to not give him the time of day, he would probably refrain from chatting up the next girl out, of fear of rejection.
The majority of guys are afraid of approaching hot girls the most, unless they, themselves, are really fugly and feel they have nothing to lose, as they are so used to being turned down anyway.
Ladies, if you’re not getting chatted up, don't be disheartened; take it as a compliment. These guys are so used to swiping for you, so maybe bite the bullet and make eye contact.
If they don’t do it back, move on. Don’t force it; things happen when you least expect it, and you might not meet the man of your dreams on a night out, anyway.
But yes, it would be nice to be chatted up by a chiseled, confident Abercrombie model-looking guy, who is maybe a successful lawyer on the side.