Why Being ‘Anti-Feelings’ Won’t Stop You From Getting Hurt

by Jessica DiLuglio

“I’m wearing all black today, like my soul.”

“He can’t hurt my feelings. I don’t have any.”

“I was weak, but now I’m too strong to need anyone.”

I’m as guilty of being as "anti-feelings" as the next girl.

I’ve said all of these things multiple times.

I’ve sent Snapchats of my coffee to my friends and used the caption, “Coffee as black as my soul.”

I’ve joked around about being heartless.

I’ve insisted multiple times that it's damn near impossible for me to get attached to any guy, anyone or anything.

But here’s a secret I’ll let you in on: Pretending to be jaded or that you don’t have feelings isn’t cool.

It doesn’t make you “strong.”

It doesn’t make it any harder for you to get hurt.

Sure, it’s easy to pretend you’re incapable of catching feelings for someone.

It's easy to act like you’re too cold, too bitter and even too smart to fall for anyone.

But since when did it become a trend for everyone to act like having feelings is wrong?

I understand where it came from.

I understand that getting your heart broken can make you feel like you’ve been stupid.

I’ve been there.

I understand wanting to be cautious about the people you open up to after that because you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable again, just to be let down.

I won't downplay it. Getting hurt sucks.

When you think you'll be with someone forever, but it doesn't work out, it can make you never want to try again.

It takes time to heal, and I get that.

But at some point, after lots of self-love and self-reflection, you will pick up the pieces.

When you do, the thought of giving someone your heart can be terrifying.

Being nervous is normal.

But the truth is this: There is a difference between guarding your heart until the right person comes along and being so closed off to finding love that you only hurt yourself.

I’m not saying every woman should be out there looking for love or opening up to every guy she meets.

But why are we presenting ourselves as emotionless and incapable of caring?

When did not having feelings equate to being seen as “strong” or “cool?”

We’ve become so obsessed with trying not to feel anything that we’re missing things right in front of us.

We’ve become so obsessed with trying not to have feelings that we’re missing out on the good ones.

I think it’s strong to admit you feel something, even if it’s the ugly emotions like sadness, heartbreak, disappointment or regret.

I think it’s cool to be someone who can share how he or she feels.

I think it's brave to open up and be vulnerable when you need to be.

I think caring, having feelings and being able to talk about them is beautiful.

If any guy sees this behavior as a deal breaker, you shouldn't be with him anyway.

Besides, who are you kidding?

It will still hurt like a bitch the next time a stupid boy screws you over.

But I think accepting what you're feeling and going through the process of healing is powerful.

That’s what really makes you strong.

I’m not going to promise that the next time I wear all black, I won’t make a comment about how it matches my mood or my personality.

(Hey, my wardrobe is mostly made of black clothing. What else is a sarcastic girl supposed to comment on?)

But, I promise I’m done pretending I’m too cool to feel, just to avoid being vulnerable.

I hope you choose to do the same.