We’ve all been guilty of at least one thing on this list, so don’t misunderstand my tone for bitterness.
I’m simply trying to help.
Here are six things people in extremely annoying relationships do:
1. Hold Hands At The Dinner Table
I’m not talking about that romantic dinner over candlelight at a five-star restaurant, where a starry-eyed couple collects their hands in a lumpy pile at the center of the table.
That’s fine. That’s genuine couple time.
I’m talking about five friends out to eat, casual and having a good time.
Then, you look and see the two of them sitting kitty-corner, loosely cupping one hand over the other on the table.
They don’t participate in the dinner conversation.
They may share a drink and one dish, but odds are, they will leave early.
Sorry the world interrupted your love by making you come outside for two hours.
But can you at least pretend to act like the friend I once had?
2. Ask You To Lie
We’ve all had a friend in a serious relationship ask us if we could not post anything or tag him or her in anything on Facebook that night.
Your friend didn’t tell his or her partner about going out and doesn’t want to upset him or her.
So because your girlfriend doesn’t like it when you go out with your single friends, or your boyfriend is stuck at work and would be jealous to know you're having fun without him, I am forbidden from documenting my good time?
Any normal, healthy person would be thrilled his or her partner is having fun.
Then, a month later when we’re all hanging out, I have to redact all mention of that night.
If I let it slip, I'm a bad friend.
3. Saying, "I Have Run It By My Significant Other"
You haven’t seen your good friend in months, or you’re visiting your hometown and trying to make plans.
The two of you text all the time, keep each other up-to-date on your lives and are both genuinely excited to hang.
“Friday night?” you ask your friend.
He or she usually responds with something enthusiastic like, “Hell, yeah! But I just gotta run it by the SO first.”
There are caveats, of course.
If my friend had prior plans with his or her partner on Friday night, but is breaking them because it’s my last night in town, then running it by the partner is the considerate thing to do.
But if it’s just another day of the week, why do you need permission to spend time with a friend?
I feel like I’m 10 years old and waiting for my best friend to ask his mom if he can sleep over at my house.
Is there a possibility your boyfriend or girlfriend might say no?
“Sorry, man, she already rented two movies on RedBox. I’ll have to catch up with you the next time you’re in town."
4. Call Each Other "Husband" And "Wifey" When They’re Not Married
The two of them find it so cute.
Little do they know, it comes off as saccharine and pubescent.
Also, it seems most of the couples who do it are the ones with the most problems.
Stop overcompensating, and just call this person your girlfriend or boyfriend.
Someday, I will have to spend $200 on a tux, buy you multiple presents and fly to your hometown for your wedding.
At that time, I'll stop cringing when you say those words.
However, even if you are married and I know your wife or husband, refer to him or her by name.
5. Assume You Knew The SO Was Coming
There’s an event. Maybe it's a concert, or maybe it's a movie.
You invite your good friend.
These plans have been made for weeks.
Your friend shows up with his or her SO.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I like your mate. But, we only have one ticket for you.
You never have to ask permission to bring along your significant other, but just let me know so I can accommodate the both of you.
6. Portray Their Turbulent Relationship As Perfect On Social Media
Accompanying frequent similar selfies of the happy couple are captions like the following:
“Isn’t he perfect?”
“I love this woman!”
“Isn’t she gorgeous in the morning?”
However, I’m the one you call when you two are fighting endlessly, and you swear, "This time, it’s for real."
I’m the one who has to moderate while you argue at my birthday party or cause uncomfortable Lyft rides.
If Yelp has a review process that doesn’t let you post phony reviews, then Instagram and Facebook should, too.
Read this list, and read it frequently.
Your love may be a great and wonderful thing, but that is all the more reason to not let it hurt your friends.
Also, just don’t be that person.