I read somewhere that to get over a breakup, it takes about half the duration of time your relationship lasted.
My most recent relationship ended after a little over a year, so for me, I am quickly approaching that mark. But our “unofficial” relationship dates back years. So do I get more time?
How long does it actually take to get over someone?
According to Drake, it takes forever because ~you never really stop loving someone~. You either never did, or always will.
Am I over my relationship? Have I TRULY moved on? I can't really answer that.
But it has been half a year since I've been in it, and I'd like to reflect on some of the changes that have happened in this time.
1. Overall Mood
“I missed this Marissa," said an old college friend of mine when she came to visit me during my breakup. I thought, Um… what does that even mean? I've always been “this Marissa."
Or had I?
Relationships change you. Sometimes for the better, but unfortunately, sometimes for the worse.
When I look back on our relationship, however, I realize he changed me in ways that weren't so good for me.
I am a pretty outgoing, happy person overall, but I never felt good enough for my boyfriend. He often made me doubt myself, instead of lifting me up.
Spoiler alert: this is the complete opposite of what a boyfriend should be doing.
He often made me doubt myself, instead of lifting me up.
I constantly questioned his intentions, but this was beyond trust issues. What I mean by this is I was always asking, Does he really love me? Why hasn't he texted me today? Am I good enough for him?
I had been in a previous relationship where I had no doubt of my partner's feelings because we were very open with each other.
My most recent boyfriend, however, never had been in a serious relationship. This hurt us a lot.
I felt like I couldn't talk to him about how I was feeling, literally ever. I wasn't myself. I was always sad, and always trying to hide that sadness. I knew it, and so did those closest to me.
When we broke up, a slight weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I missed him; I was sad; I cried (a lot). I still feel these things at times, but guess what? I am good enough.
I don't doubt myself or feel obligated to prove my worth to anyone. I'm always just “doin me” (love you, Drizzy).
And I place the blame on me (partially) for letting myself be with a person who made me feel anything less than amazing, for not speaking up every time I should of and for letting someone else's actions hinder my own.
I hate to say the word “dumped” because I knew the end of the relationship was coming. He just had the guts to pull the trigger first.
However, getting “dumped” actually BOOSTED my confidence. I never wanted to admit it, but my boyfriend essentially made me more self-conscious than beautiful and loved.
I can't remember the nicest thing he ever said to me. Quite frankly, he was a man of few kind words. I received the “good morning, beautiful” text messages whenever he knew he fucked up.
He never praised my appearance, outfits or body.
I received the 'good morning, beautiful' text messages whenever he knew he fucked up.
One night around the holidays, I attended a work event of his. It's important to note that I am the polar opposite of a “girly girl." And I may not be a size 0, Instagram model, trendy chick, but I think of myself as attractive (not to mention, awesome AF) young woman.
I had received one of those in-store Sephora makeovers as a gift for Christmas. I thought this was a great way to get someone else to do the work, and my guy would be able to show me off to all his co-workers.
When he saw me that night, the first thing he blurted out was “WHOA that's a bit much." Bruh…
In all, my ex just wasn't good at making me feel good.
I don't know if it was his lack of finding the right words and the right moment, or if he just really didn't think much of me, but I don't care anymore.
And even though I wasn't genuinely interested in literally any of these new guys, the newfound attention helped me get back on my horse and remember that I'm a bomb ass catch.
3. My Body And Fitness Commitment
No, I didn't drop 20 pounds to spite my ex and show him what he's missing.
Yes, there was a short period of time where I had no appetite because of the horrible sadness and grief, and I dropped weight quickly. But that also ended quickly because, well, food is amazing and pizza exists.
I dropped weight quickly. But that also ended quickly because, well, food is amazing and pizza exists.
However, binge eating while watching Netflix on a Friday night in just isn't as much fun (or socially acceptable, unfortunately) to do alone.
Currently, I'm training for a half marathon. I run at least 5 miles a day.
This all definitely aided my newfound self-confidence, except the best part is that it isn't “to get him back. It's because I look AND feel better.
When you're in a relationship, it's very easy to loose sight of your priorities.
You want to spend all of your time with this person. You forget there are other people who care about you, and whom you care about, as well.
I like to think I did a pretty decent job at balancing my friends and my boyfriend, but when it came down to it, I was guilty of more often than not picking him over them. It was comfortable, safe and easy to spend all of my time with him.
Lucky for me, I hadn't damaged my friendships too much while in my relationship. When the relationship ended, I always wanted to be doing something to distract myself.
I wanted to go out more, meet new people and just have fun. I was always making plans with friends, texting them more and overall, I was being a better friend.
It was only after becoming single again that my eyes were opened to how truly damaging a significant other can be to friendships if you aren't careful.
I was thankful that my friends were there for me because, when it comes down to it, hoes before bros. Always.
My eyes were opened to how truly damaging a significant other can be to friendships.
5. My Strength
I forgot to mention the part where my boyfriend left me while we were living in a city four hours away from my hometown, closest friends and family.
I had no idea how I was going to survive in that place alone. I could count on one hand how many people I felt like I could rely on where I lived. I had no choice but to get my shit together.
I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I didn't let my world crumble just because he was no longer in it.
The quote “you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have” is a bit dramatic for my situation, but it applies.
Because when the time came to “be strong,” it really wasn't so hard.
It might have helped that while we were together, I was already conditioned into barely being able to rely on him emotionally.
Yeah, I was lonely at times. I suffered many anxiety and panic attacks, but I handled it. I put my big girl pants on, and I survived.
I didn't let my world crumble just because he was no longer in it.
6. My expectations for future relationships
People come into your life as a lesson or a blessin'. And I have definitely learned my lesson.
Settling is actually bullshit.
Why ever settle for someone average, when you could be getting extraordinary?
I put my big girl pants on, and I survived.
I really don't know what I was thinking. I would never get back into a relationship like the one I was in under those circumstances.
So, why did I hold onto a person who was doing me more harm than good for so long? Probably (definitely) because he was truly my best friend.
In fact, we were best friends for years before we dated. But I will make new friends, and I will meet new lovers.
Maybe we won't have the same stupid sense of humor or taste in music. Maybe no one will ever be as compatible for me as my ex once was. But at least they won't make me feel belittled.
Maybe they will actually be proud to call me theirs; maybe they'll surprise me with flowers here and there and be a loving romantic. Who knows, but I'm hoping I find out soon.
I guess the moral of my story is that whether or not you have moved on from a past relationship, and despite how much time has passed, I bet you something good has come from this time you have been apart.
You just need to figure out what that is, and use it.