3 Things Gen-Y Should Know About Sex, As Told By A 24-Year-Old Virgin
Here we go.
Here's another 20-something talking about sex.
Unfortunately, this article will not be about my hilarious sexual escapades or tips and tricks for the bedroom.
I cannot offer you any first-hand experiential insights into any of these topics because I have not, in fact, had sex.
Yes, dear world. I am a 24-year-old virgin who is choosing to wait until she's married to have sex.
I am a rare breed (although maybe not as rare as we all tend to think) who has no aspirations of being a nun and who actually talks about how awesome sex is for a living.
If you need to let that all sink in for a moment, I’ll wait here.
There are a lot of assumptions made about people like me and a lot of assumptions made about waiting for sex.
Here are a few of the most common assumptions:
1. People who are waiting for sex think sex is bad. (I absolutely don't. In fact, I think sex is wonderful.)
2. People who are waiting are sheltered and haven’t been in many relationships. (I’m currently in a serious relationship with my sixth boyfriend.)
3. People who are waiting for sex look down on people who are not waiting. (Nope, not at all!)
I suppose, depending on the person, these assumptions can have some truth.
But just like people make assumptions about me, they also make a lot of assumptions about this whole, insane idea of “waiting.”
Here are three major things I wish my generation knew about waiting for sex:
1. There are men out there who want to wait for sex.
Not all men are insatiable horn-dogs.
The sooner we realize this, the sooner we will feel more comfortable in our own skin.
We will not be expected to always be sexy or up for physical intimacy right away.
There are truly men who enjoy things like drinking, football and wearing aftershave and aren't looking to get into your pants until both parties are 100 percent ready.
There are men out there who will do this out of love, not out of obligation.
Here’s a crazy example to prove this point.
I met my boyfriend eight months ago on Tinder, and we haven’t had sex.
Here’s something even crazier: My boyfriend is glad we’re not having sex because we both know sex complicates something that doesn’t need to be complicated.
My boyfriend, by choice, is not having sex with me, and we’re totally crazy about each other.
2. Sex doesn’t have to leave you feeling terrible.
Think about the last time you felt really sh*tty after being physical with someone.
Most likely, it was after you got hot and heavy way too late at night with someone you didn’t actually want to be doing those things with.
But you were kind of doing them because you felt turned on, he felt turned on and it all went from there.
(I may be a virgin, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced this for myself.)
As far as skin-on-skin contact goes, it was satisfying.
But were you really happy? Did you feel safe, loved and cared for beyond your body?
Author and sex researcher Donna Freitas spent years interviewing and surveying over 2,500 college students at Catholic, public and nonreligious private schools.
She found that 41 percent described their hook-up experiences as awkward, used, dirty, regretful, empty, alone, miserable, disgusted and abused.
If we know how good sex can be (with someone who knows us, is committed to us and loves us for who we are), why are we settling for sexual experiences surrounded by so much emptiness and negativity?
3. Waiting isn’t the death sentence we make it out to be.
Okay, I hate the word “abstinence.” I really do.
Abstinence gets a very bad rap (sometimes, rightly so).
But the truth is, waiting for sex doesn’t have to take away from your sex life (really).
In fact, waiting to do the deed actually has the power to enhance your sex and love life.
I don’t necessarily mean that if you choose to wait, you are going to have mind-blowing sex right away.
But think about this for a second: Waiting to have sex gives you incredible freedom.
It gives you freedom from the heartache of sharing something so deeply vulnerable with someone you wish you had not shared it with.
(No matter how casual we are in our own lives about sex, I think we all would have a hard time denying there is not something deeply significant about sex.)
Waiting frees you from worrying about contracting an STD or an STI. (Condoms also accomplish this.)
Waiting frees you from secretly wondering if the deep emotional connection you feel for your partner has a lot to do with the chemical bonding that happens during sex, and less about your compatibility as two people.
In a committed relationship like marriage, it frees you to fully experience sex in a way that has no limitations.
There are no awkward, less than life-giving morning encounters; no fears that one day you will regret being seen naked by this person and allowing him or her to share in your body; no wondering if you’re ever going to hear from the person again; no worrying if it was a good choice and no fear of moving too fast too soon.
If I had the choice (which we do), I would choose to experience sex in this type of context, hands down.
Yes, sex is enjoyable because of the physical pleasure it provides.
But what really enhances the entire experience is the emotional connection, safety and intimacy you share with your partner long before you add in the amazing physical stuff.
Having that, as well as having sex? Mind-blowing.