Stocksy

7 Phrases No Boyfriend Ever Wants To Hear

By

In any given relationship, there are always certain topics that boyfriend's have no interest in discussing. Whether it's about her physical appearance, his sexual performance, or touchy subjects from her past, there are some things that are just better left unaddressed.

Just the thought of having to discuss something meaningful or game-changing, can drive any boyfriend insane. Here are The 7 Phrases No Boyfriend wants to hear.

Do I look fat?

Why do girls find it necessary to ask this question to their boyfriends? It’s the biggest lose lose situation for any guy. If we tell you, you look fat, we make you upset. But if we don’t tell you, and you actually look fat, you don’t do anything about the weight.

Ladies, stop asking men this unanswerable question and just start spending more time in the mirror! Most likely if you feel the need to have to ask, the answer is yes…

We need to talk

This is one of the most common sentences uttered in almost every relationship since the beginning of time. Hearing this is an automatic red flag that something big is about to be discussed. Notice, “We need to talk” is never followed by, “Chinese or Italian tonight?”

The conversation is always something deeper and usually requires seriousness, attentiveness, and a Saturday night sitting around the kitchen table, trying to come up with ways you can “improve” your relationship.

Only thing worse is “we need to talk later”, forcing you to squirm around all day, anticipating the worst, as you try to figure out what you did wrong this time. Just come out with it already! “We need to talk” is nothing more than a heads up before a punch to the face.

I want to hold out until marriage

There is a recent trend I’ve been hearing a lot about lately where girls are deciding to stop having sex until marriage, despite the fact that they’ve already slept with multiple partners. It’s one thing if you’re religious and you’ve been holding out your whole life, but it’s another thing to just out of the blue cut your sex-life off because “it’s the religious thing to do”.

Do you girls think God wasn’t looking the past 10 years? Find something else religious to do that doesn’t require your boyfriend to suffer. Not having sex for a few years isn’t going make up for that time you got double-teamed in college. Don’t make your boyfriend suffer because you’ve finally learned the significance of being reserved.

I’m pregnant

Unless you’re in your mid to late 20’s or are actually trying to have a baby, finding out your girlfriend is pregnant is pretty much every boyfriend’s 9/11. There are only two conceivable options in this scenario: abortion or run. Thank god a Democrat won!

I didn’t go

Regardless of how long a guy has been dating his girlfriend for, he will always be concerned with his work in the bedroom. Having the ability to pleasure his girlfriend on a regular basis is crucial to the mental state of any guy.

Constantly critiquing our own performance, when a girl lets us know we didn’t satisfy her, all internal hell breaks lose!

What did I do wrong? Was I not hard enough? Did I not hit the spot? Am I losing my touch? I used to be the master in college! Am I not man enough? Am I gay? Ladies, take my advice: just lie! The last thing you want is a boyfriend who is going to over think his sex life. Tell us we are the best you’ve ever had. We know it’s not true, but it still sounds good hearing it.

My ex used to….

One of the last things any boyfriend ever wants to hear about is his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. As men, we understand that realistically in this day and age it’s nearly impossible to find a girl who has slept with under 5 guys (if you find one, pop the question immediately), but that doesn’t mean we want to be constantly reminded of our girlfriend’s sexual past.

Most men are possessive by nature, and just the mere thought of their girlfriend being with another guy will drive them insane. We don’t care what your ex used to wear, what he used to do with you, or what he used to say that made you happy, all we care about is that you never speak of him, or to him ever again! Consider him Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Doesn’t matter if he is a road scholar, a humanitarian, or a member of the Peace Corps, we will always view him as the devil, and constantly try to convince ourselves that our penis is bigger than his. Unless you’re reading us his obituary, don’t bring him up!

When you masturbate, do you think of me?

This is an interesting one. It’s pretty much a given that all guys masturbate, even when in a sexually active relationship. Much like girls enjoy shopping, guys enjoy lying down and cleaning out the old pipes.

Most girlfriends respect their man’s need for some one-on-self time, and don’t question the bottle of moisturizer next to their bed. Others find it disturbing and ask silly questions like “do you think of me?” Do we think of you? Why would we degrade you by putting you in our minds during such a dirty activity?

We enjoy our sex with you, but when it comes to our solo sessions we rely on free porn or our “spank bank”. Why would we fantasize about something we already have? Truth is, even if you’re a perfect 10, when it comes to masturbation, sometimes it’s the grimy 6 that really turns us on.

@TylerGildin is a NYC based Stand Up comedian.

For more of Tyler’s Signature 7 Articles and Man on the Street interviews, click here