I’d heard some ruckus about Tinder a few months back, and finally, with some hesitation and a tinge of embarrassment, I downloaded the fateful app.
As an independent, single woman, I constantly make excuses for my lack of dates. Workload, apathy and wretched pickiness are at the helm of my dating repertoire.
Suddenly, I was hooked on Tinder. It’s like playing Guess Who all day on your phone. Regardless of the distaste in potentially meeting an actual suitor and having to lie to both groups of friends and family about how you met, Tinder is so insatiably addicting for women (and men) everywhere. Why?
1) You honestly feel as if you’re the only guy or girl in this pool of hormone-driven humans telling you you’re pretty or interesting and all vying for your attention at once.
2) The “swipe” aspect makes it feel less like a dating app and more like a weird game puzzle where the end result is standing waist-deep in messages from strange, sometimes attractive, admirers.
3) “Getting to know your most recent matches” – aka trudging through the Tinder mire before you surrender to the painstaking reminder that you’d might as well have just sent self-marketing email blasts to every eligible man in your city – is oddly fun.
4) You temporarily fall in love with at least one prospect a day. Until he says something utterly moronic; then, it’s over.
5) A game I like to call, “How Long Until I get Tinder-Blocked?” makes it all worth it. Answer: Four messages about a thriving human-hair-spun-doll business and a proposed underwater welding vacation for two will set the bar.
I’ve put together some of my favorite (male) Tinder profiles to give you an idea of what it’s all about, if you have yet to give it a go for yourself. Happy hunting, ladies!
Super Active Outdoorsy Dude
This dude’s pictures are all focused on the great outdoors: fishing, hiking, biking, skiing, boarding, swimming, jumping -- way too many active verbs. No human is that active.
I’d rather not snowboard to a frozen lake, ice fish for six hours, snowboard back and then snowshoe up a mountain to slide down wearing a thermo-compression seal suit I crafted out of cellophane and Crisco.
Even worse are his photos from your Crossfit classes. If I wanted to date someone who flipped tires, I’d put on a sexy dress and head to Autozone. Swipe!
Trendy Hipster Dude
This guy loves to market the fact that he is ultra-avant-garde and different. He wants to introduce you to new restaurants and take you for craft beers, which he probably doesn’t even like, to show you that he’s cultured.
He pairs his opinions with plastic, black-rimmed glasses and will rattle off obscure indie bands to showcase his evolved musical tastes. His friends probably won't like you, and you will inevitably split up due to artistic differences -- and also his affinity for Donnie Darko.
Heavy Chillin’ Stoner Dude
This apathetic weed fiend has no real aspirations to date you. He can barely decide whether the hoodie he’s wearing has been washed in the last month, yet he wears it anyway.
He likes Munchies mix and his dog has an under bite. He owns tall-tees with cartoons on them and always suggests ordering in. His red puffy eyes are somewhat endearing, and he will probably snuggle up to you like a puppy until he passes out from all of the edibles he ate – at which point, you make your stealthy escape.
Uber-Sensitive Aspiring Poet Dude
His bio is an inspirational quote, motivating you to do one thing and one thing only: love him. His photos are dripping with the heavy weight of unrequited love.
He smiles with friends and family, but behind those brown eyes is pain. He will write you poetry and take you to see black-and-white films. He wants you to mend his broken heart and show him how to love again.
He will try to introduce you to his parents before you’ve even gotten to dessert. His affection will make you feel smothered and ultimately lead to the demise of this bond.
Music Festival Dude
In his neon bro tank and lens-less glasses, this dude frequents all of the EDM festivals around, with his camelback strapped tight, shouting and high-fiving everywhere he goes. He is the alpha-bro.
He will take you for sushi and get you buzzed on rice wine. He will pay for everything and leave you wondering if the consolation prize for this free meal involves “Pound Town” or one of those other utterly romantic sexual metaphors. He also thinks Muscle Milk is a viable snack option.
It won’t work out with this house head for obvious reasons.
This guy has five too many photos of himself with someone’s offspring. Tinder isn’t Rent-a-Mom. He should try finding a nice single mother at the local PTA meeting or a God-fearing woman at a church bake sale.
Sir, please get off of Tinder and read your kids a bedtime story.
He travels. His pictures are all breathtaking landmarks from around the globe. He feels wise beyond his years and probably has enough stories to rattle off during a dinner date to keep you interested.
He never has a steady job and his bio probably reads like a Fodor's guidebook. He might seem intriguing, but he'll never stick around. No one wants to date a pair of dirty Tevas, anyway! Move on.
While these clowns make for an exciting girl’s night of “Swipe It Right/Pass It Left,” they also find themselves among the nearly 10 million matches Tinder makes a day.
Although I haven’t yet found my Tinderoni, women everywhere are finding free drinks and marginal conversation through the app made popular by our very own Generation-Y dating practice.
Photo via We Heart It