50 Signs You're Dating A F*ckboy And It's As Funny As It Is Pathetic
By Urban Dictionary's definition, a "f*ckboy" is "a person who is a weak ass p*ssy that ain't bout sh*t."
I'm sure his face is already coming to mind.
It seems, as some sick rite of passage, every girl must date a f*ckboy at least once in her life.
When you think about it, it's truly a worthwhile experience: How else will you learn it's not normal to hear a human being complain that often?
F*ckboys come in all shapes and sizes, but if I had to stick to a general rule, I'd say it's safe to assume that if he's 29, you're 21, you have a real bed and he doesn't, he's probably a f*ckboy.
But, if you're still not sure, check out the 50 things your "man" may do, which undoubtedly make him a f*ckboy:
1. When you sleep over, it's on his inflatable queen-sized bed (he's 25).
2. When he tries to drunk serenade you on the guitar, he plays Modest Mouse. With a 100 percent serious facial expression, I might add.
3. He gets upset when you say all his exes look basic. You're just being honest.
4. He heads back to the bar when he's done with his drink, but doesn't offer to get you one.
5. When you come over for a whiskey nightcap, he serves Evan Williams.
6. When he meets your best friend, he doesn't buy the first round of shots.
7. Has a "vintage" Grateful Dead bear in his room, but can't name one band member.
8. When you meet his parents (if it even gets that far), you have to sleep on his pull-out trundle bed.
9. His idea of treating you to dinner is drunkenly buying you bodega "meat pockets" for $3.
10. He takes you to the bar where "his boy" works so he can get free shots.
11. He cannot, under any circumstances, handle the mosh pit.
12. When he buys condoms, he buys three-packs...
13. ...But, only because you insisted on using condoms in the first place.
14. He says things like, "I'm a feminist and fiscal Republican..."
15. ...But, he likes "The Daily Show."
16. He claims his "passion" is music.
17. He spends ridiculous amounts on tattoos, but can't even buy you a latte.
18. He had a salad for lunch.
19. He gives you weird compliments like, "You look really good in the mornings..."
20. ...Or, "You're such a chill girl."
21. He thinks it's normal whole families live in four-person studios in Bushwick.
22. He sends you quotes he Googled by your favorite writer and pretends to understand them.
23. He doesn't have Spotify Premium. Seriously, how do you throw a party without it?
24. He sends you shirtless selfies. There is literally nothing to see here.
25. He has a sister, but never talks about her and doesn't seem to like her.
26. He makes his weed dealer meet him at the bar that serves free pizza. Maybe this one is just genius...
27. He knows the weekday specials at every bar in the neighborhood.
28. His favorite Sonic Youth song is "Bull In The Heather" because "Kim Gordon sounds hot in it."
29. He thinks Don Draper is "a cool guy."
30. He's from New Jersey.
31. He's from Manhattan.
32. He frequently tells you to "chill."
33. He sends you links to new Kanye West songs.
34. He makes fun of hipsters but goes to yoga.
35. He gets really emo when his mom and dad come to visit.
"They just don't understand!"
36. He wears a leather jacket he claims was given to him, not bought at a thrift store two months ago.
37. He wears said leather jacket even in 19-degree weather.
38. He works strictly odd jobs only during his "quarter-life crisis."
39. He gets fired from the coffee shop...
40. ...And blames it on "the man."
41. He's vocally proud of the one time he hooked up with a "cougar."
42. He's on Tinder for "when he's bored."
43. He always talks about this awesome art gallery in Brooklyn, but never takes you there.
44. When you accurately call him out on his sh*t he responds, "Maybe, maybe not."
45. He asks to read your writing so he can show you his.
47. He exclusively drinks Tecate, but turns his nose at your Miller Highlife.
48. He calls himself a skier because he went to Colorado with his family once.
49. He is ALWAYS convinced you left something behind at his apartment on purpose.
50. No matter what, his problems are always bigger than yours.
If any of the above apply to you, get the hell out of there. Because, as the age-old saying goes, "Once a f*ckboy, always a f*ckboy."
Overall, f*ckboys are purely meant to serve as a form of entertainment (i.e. wild hookups or friends), but never boyfriends.
Sure, you can have a fling with him for a while, but just remember, at the end of the day, he's not going to change, no matter how many job applications you email him, or how many times you listen to his "painful childhood" stories.
And you, my friend, can do better.