Dry spells: When your thirst for hooking up has not been quenched in what feels like forever. Some people may say this is a good opportunity to demonstrate self-control, but you don’t care how much of a "character builder" it is.
The reality is dry spells completely suck.
Once you notice it has been too long since you got some, the thought of your hibernating sex life starts to float around in your mind more than ever. It’s a vicious cycle of thinking about the fact that you aren't getting laid and then becoming even more sexually frustrated than before.
There is no specific amount of time considered a typical dry spell; it all varies between people. For people who are getting laid on the regular (lucky bastards), a dry spell can be considered going three weeks without sex. For others, it may be three months without making out with somebody.
Regardless of how long it is and to what extent of physical contact you choose, once you realize you may have hit a dry spell, you’ll begin to experience certain emotions. Said emotions come in different stages.
They resemble the stages of grief, which makes sense because life without consistent sexy time is a sad, sad life.
Stage 1: DENIAL
For some reason, you begin to think about sex.
Maybe you are watching a "Gossip Girl" rerun and Serena is doing it with one of her many suitors. Perhaps you are eating pizza and the blissful feeling of biting into a perfect slice made you question if pizza is better than sex.
You might even be in church, which is a weird time to think about sex, but don’t you dare deny that having impure thoughts during church hasn’t happened at least once.
Whatever it is, you try to think back to the last time you did the deed. You don’t remember all the details, but you do remember it was after that weekend you went to the beach and got a killer tan.
Since then, Starbucks has busted out its red cups and there is snow on the ground, so suffice it to say, it’s been a while. There’s no way it has been that long since you’ve gotten some action. Impossible, right?
Stage 2: ANGER
After some time passes, you come to terms with admitting you’re experiencing a dry spell. Just because you acknowledged the lack of physical contact in your life doesn’t mean you are happy about it. This is when you begin stage two: anger.
What the f*ck? What the ACTUAL F*CK? Why haven’t you hooked up with someone in so long?! You are a hot piece; you should be having constant sex.
You should be having so much sex that you should be saving money you usually spend on clothes because you are always naked from your constant sexcapades.
This is bullsh*t. This is grade-A bullsh*t. BULL-MOTHER-F*CKING-SH*T! I hate everything, and I hate everyone, ESPECIALLY the people who are not hooking up with me because they are 50 percent of my problem.
UGH. MOTHERF*CKER. #($*!$*#%&!^%)%*@^~!%*
Stage 3: BARGAINING
This is my favorite stage to observe when my friends are sexually frustrated, and my least favorite to experience when I am the one going through a sexual drought.
This is the moment you do something a little ballsy, but it’s worth a shot: You beg and pray for sex. You say,
Are you there, God? It’s me, *insert name here.* Listen, I have been in a bit of a rut lately. It’s been a while since I’ve, well … ya know. So I would really appreciate it if you could help me out. I’m going to a holiday party this weekend, and I am hoping that I wake up the next day with a secure spot on Santa’s naughty list. Sorry, God, that was vulgar. Anyway, if you could set me up with somebody, I promise I would pay it forward. I’ll start volunteering, like, every day. So … wanna help a brother out?
Stage 4: DEPRESSION
If this stage were a text message, it would contain all of the emojis that look sad or like they're in immense pain. You begin to think your lack of a sex life has to do with you.
What if you smell funny and you don’t even know it? What if you’re bad at sex and everybody knows it? The thought of this is just flat out -- you guessed it -- depressing.
The sexual frustration mixed with the sadness makes for a lethal combination of chocolate and crying binges.
Said depression also leads you to indulge in desperation. Dry spells may be bad, but the only thing worse than having no sex is having sex with your coworker who pronounces the word “library” like “li-barry.”
Stage 5: ACCEPTANCE
After the cloud of depression has passed, you will notice there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your dry spell is just that -- a dry spell. It’s not permanent.
You’re going to find somebody who wants to get naked with you eventually. You just need to be patient, which means you have a sexual encounter in your unforeseeable future.
So, accept the fact that you haven’t done horizontal cardio in a while, and go out there and make yourself available! The more you do that, the better of a chance you will have getting some sugar.
In the meantime, though, actual sugar will suffice.