Through interviewing various people on relationships and observing people interact, coupled with my own experience of the dating dance, I’ve realized that there are some basic tendencies that can cause a man to go running for the hills.
You act like a high-maintenance diva If you refer to yourself as a diva or a princess, remove those words from your vocabulary immediately. Feeling entitled, acting spoiled and being impossible to please are not traits of a grown woman, they are signs of immaturity in a young girl. Act with grace, manners and hold yourself on your own. A man’s job in a romantic dynamic is not to be your butler, bank account or your father.
You bring up the “What are we?” talk two weeks in Women like safety, control and knowing where they stand. Totally understandable. The problem is, while it may feel innate to secure a commitment the minute you have feelings for someone, having a contrived talk to determine the status of a budding romance just weeks in is too much, too fast.
Avoid the tendency of trying to label things right away, and let things flow. Organically, the relationship will reach a point where both people feel the commitment level first, and then the “talk” can commence after that. But to have the “talk” before the feelings are there, just to try and control the outcome puts unnecessary pressure on the situation.
You're needy and don’t have your own life We’ve all done this before. We like a guy and suddenly our world revolves around him. Even if we play games of acting hard to get, putting a man as the center of your universe emits an energy of neediness and desperation -- one that cannot be hidden, regardless of how long it takes for you to text back.
The most attractive thing about a woman is when they have their own full life – a career, friends, hobbies, community… if a man fits into that life and complements it, great. But the man cannot ever be the center of your happiness, entertainment and community.
You put more energy into being pretty than being interesting While being pretty can surely get attention, unless you want a guy who just wants a trophy girlfriend, being pretty is not enough. Society and the media constantly reinforce the message that physical beauty makes up a large part of a woman’s worth. This causes many to focus on the packaging and not the content. Pretty fades. Real, authentic beauty radiates from the inside – it’s a mixture of confidence, self-respect, values, intelligence, heart and spirit. Relying on being pretty as your primary asset results in faux confidence. It’s not real and dissipates once the make up is off and the show is over.
You cannot carry a quality conversation You cannot build rapport by having a one-sided monologue or talking about clothes and gossip. Ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Connection requires lowering your defenses and showing vulnerability – it requires sharing. So give a little and ask a lot. Try to take the conversation beyond the superficial small talk.
The beginning stage of the dating dance is a delicate and fragile one. The reality is, no one is going to see your awesome, caring and loving side if it’s hidden under layers of your inauthentic self. Also, ‘husbanding-up’ each potential suitor prematurely only creates pressure and anxiety, which doesn’t allow for the space and openness for a relationship to organically unfold.
See each new person that enters your life as a part of the adventure. And if it doesn’t work out, chalk it up to experience.
Amy Chan | Elite.
Amy is a relationship columnist. To read more of her blogs, visit her website.
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