Here’s the deal, fellas: As women, we are very aware and understanding of the fact that talking to us can be a little intimidating.
This is particularly true when you’re struggling to generate a charming conversation out of thin air with an attractive woman at the bar.
You’re faced with the nearly impossible task of delivering a spiel so impressive that it persuades us to continue the conversation longer than the five reluctant seconds we’ve already given you.
In your defense though, how else are you supposed to navigate through the unpredictable, often traumatic, dating world without giving the ole pick-up line a shot?
We get it, seriously.
That said, it seems as though a part of today's male population has decided to act completely predictable and laughably appalling when it comes to the dating game.
Don't get me wrong; I'm very aware this is a small percentage of the male species, and many of you don't fall into this category.
Unfortunately, however, many women today still find themselves rolling their eyes at the mere notion of a man who's about to make his move.
In the midst of a loud, crowded, sweaty bar, the last thing we need is an overly intoxicated guy barreling toward us, blurting out, “Did it hurt... when you fell from heaven!?”
For the love of God, please spare us.
To translate this into guy language, here’s a handy sports metaphor: Imagine you’re on the one-yard line with the football, and three seconds are left in the fourth quarter.
All you need to do is execute a simple run play to send the game into overtime.
Now, apply that mentality to approaching women at the bar. (No, really, hear me out.)
It all comes down to a single play, which ultimately determines whether you head back to the locker room or continue earning that pretty lady’s interest.
The clock is ticking, gentlemen, and if your game plan includes one of the five overplayed pick-up attempts below, you sure as hell aren’t making it into the end zone:
1. “The Mystery BFF”
Example: “Wait, don’t I know you from somewhere? Yes, I totally know you from somewhere!”
No, you don’t.
While this one will get our attention, it usually takes us one millisecond to realize you’re completely full of crap.
No, we didn’t take a class with you. We don’t go to your gym. We didn’t attend your middle school. You didn’t see us in line at Chipotle that one time. (Stalker?) And, we sure as hell do not look like your "next girlfriend."
Instead, how about saying, “I’m totally unoriginal and desperate, but maybe if I pretend I met you at my friend’s brother’s college graduation, you’ll have sex with me,” just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.
How a woman should respond to this attempt: “Wait, do you know my aunt on my dad’s side? How about my hairstylist’s daughter’s best friend’s cousin?
How do you not know these people? I thought we go way back!?"
2. “The Surprise Grind From Behind”
This is just downright rude, so allow me to provide a very important PSA: Guys, when a girl is on the dance floor with her friends, it is definitely not acceptable to choose one and aggressively grind against her without an invitation.
I mean, are you serious? I assume this is your horrifying way of saying, “Hey, I think you’re cute. Let’s dance.”
Let’s be real, guys. You might as well just shout, “Hey! I’m a giant pig and totally wanna bang you, here are my sweaty balls against your leg to prove it!” Calm down, creeper. You’re freaking us out.
How a woman should respond to this attempt: Run! Don't look back! Yell something in gibberish to confuse him!
3. “The Ruthless Salesman”
Example: “Oh, you have a boyfriend? Where? I don’t see him here, so I’m not sure you do.”
Guys with the salesman mentality are probably the worst. They attempt to use their tiring, relentless attitudes to wear you down until you finally give in to their advances. Super charming, right?
Stubbornness infused with accusatory remarks? What a gem! The salesman type gives zero f*cks if you have a ring on your finger, a boyfriend, are into girls or simply can’t fathom the idea of dating him (which is the case 99 percent of the time.)
He’ll use every deplorable weapon of persuasion in his arsenal, regardless of how extreme, disrespectful or downright ridiculous it sounds to us.
Let’s think about this for a second. The ultimate goal here is to score a phone number, a date or, at the very least, a pleasant conversation with a girl who’s probably out of his league.
Trying to coax her into believing that, “it’s not cheating if her boyfriend is in another time zone,” is literally the most counterproductive action you can take.
Seriously, move on. Or actually, just go home and spoon your pillow because apparently, mating with the opposite sex just isn't something you were put on this Earth to do. (#sorrynotsorry)
How a woman should respond to this attempt: “Here, call my boyfriend and ask if it’s okay. I’m sure he’ll be totally cool about it. No, really. Give it a shot, Casanova!"
4. “The Obvious Wingman”
Ah, the sucker who was roped into doing another man’s dirty work. This guy is usually an alpha male’s sidekick who was forced to enter a group of women and “subtly” convince them to “check out his buddy in the corner.”
Basically, the interested guy lacks the backbone and masculine fortitude to approach us on his own and devises a super cunning plan to send over an informant to scope out the situation. What a magnificent strategy!
Let the pretty woman know up front that you lack the actual balls necessary to support your overinflated ego. Way to go. Give the man a cookie.
Seriously, though. Knock it off. Stop insulting our intelligence. We know what you’re doing, wingman, and your “secret” side-glances toward your friend who’s awkwardly flexing his "guns" at the corner of the bar are 100 percent obvious and pathetic.
How a woman should respond to this attempt: Make out with the wingman. I have no clue how it would help, but it’d be pretty damn hilarious.
5. “The Bully”
Example: “Whatever, you’re really not that hot anyway.” Or, “Shut up, I’m trying to talk to you.”
Yes, this type of guy exists. How peachy, right?!
This is the guy who mixes overconfidence with a few shots of tequila and spits out vulgar, inappropriate or rude comments to innocent female bystanders.
Let me pose a question: When would a successful, confident woman ever look at a man who’s berating her and think, “Holy hell, I’ve found my soul mate. Can we get my mom on the phone right now!?"
Answer: On fantasy douchebag island, that's where.
Look, we know you’re probably good looking. You think you can land any girl you want, so you saunter around with an arrogant attitude, hitting on any female you consider “good enough.”
Take it easy, stud muffin. Women aren’t nearly as naïve as you consider them to be, and they will almost always call you out on your bullsh*t.
So, take your egotistical ways, down a bottle of vodka and go hug a toilet because realistically, that’s your only shot at intimacy for the night.
How a woman should respond to this attempt: This guy deserves crazy. “Oh my god, can you yell at me again? I love it! Do you think we’ll have babies? Do you think they'll have your eyes!? Take me home, cowboy."
The moral here, guys, is you can do way better than this.
Be one of the confident, sexy, respectful men we all know exist!
They are definitely out there, and they sure as hell aren’t scraping the bottom of the barrel for feeble attempts like these.