We're all embarrassed by our own bodily functions — fact.
Sure, we might drop trou in front of a new partner, but we'll still run the tap while peeing when we use their bathroom. For the first handful of months in a relationship (depending on your diet and sphincter control) we all, but women in particular, pretend flatulence doesn't exist.
Newsflash — we're all humans. Farting happens. It does seem to happen at the worst possible moments though.
It's a very unfortunate reality that we've all experienced. The more nervous we get, the more gas we seem to produce. It's inconvenient that on a first date or worse, the first night you have sex with someone new, your colon gets the jitters and you feel very unsexy and petrified about potentially releasing a mood-assassinating sound of a jet engine. Of course, you could put on some high-volume death metal and keep a bottle of Febreze nearby to cover your tracks, but that has all the sex appeal of a microwave.
Don't panic. There are some things you can do to reduce anxiety and any potential butt flutters.
1. Don't drink while you eat.
Yes, I'm serious. Staying hydrated is vitally important, particularly if you want to look and feel your best on a date, but don't drink water 15-20mins before or after you eat. When you combine your meal or snack with liquid, it makes it more difficult for your stomach to get the digestion started. Instead of being quickly broken down by your stomach acid and absorbed to give you energy, it will slosh around in chunks, which, when moved into your gut, can create pockets of unwanted gas. Try it. You'll be pleasantly surprised.
2. Wear a thong.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're feeling Channing Tatum-bold, wear a thong. That small strip of material nestled between your cheeks will turn even the most lumberjack of problems into a baby's whisper. This takes care of the acoustics, but if there's a smell, you'll just have to get creative and blame the dog they probably don't have. (Disclaimer: Test this one out alone first.)
3. Pop a Pepto and a Wind-Eze.
Much like a quick shot of Dutch courage, these little guys smooth out your evening. The Pepto (or antacid of your choosing) triple-teams your symptoms, especially if you have that extra cocktail, knocking out the nausea, reflux and gas. Stock up and add it into your pre-date routine before brushing your teeth, not after, because Pepto-Bismol breath might make you smell like their great uncle Norman — the one with heartburn and a wacky tie collection.
4. Stretch it out.
Not like that.
Pockets of gas are created in your intestine when bacteria munches on the conveyor belt buffet moving through you. If the belt slows down or gets jammed, that pocket is going to become larger and denser as your bacterial buddies overdo it.
Move it all along by staying active. Work out regularly and walk often. In an acute situation, some crunches will get everything going.
You can also try this yoga pose for digestive relaxation: Lie on your back, legs flat. Bend one leg, and hug it into your belly for 30 seconds. Repeat on the other side.
You may think it's impractical to do at someone's house, but we've all crouched down beneath a sink trying to let a gentle gust out before the clothes come off. OK, maybe that's just me. But I think that makes me a considerate individual.
5. Don't eat the burrito.
Everyone knows certain foods have a reputation for a reason. There's no smoke without fire. Why not abstain and leave the Mexican food for a girls night. Be pragmatic. It's attractive. Suggest a sushi restaurant that you "heard about." This way, you won't seem picky when your date suggests Chipotle. But seriously, if your date ever does that when sober it's an instant no. Just end it.
If you eat a protein-rich diet, you're f*cked. You can be in the leanest, best shape of your life, but once that protein diet gets through you, you'll be clearing rooms like a '90s wedding DJ. Carb up and calm down.
At the end of the day, both you and your romantic partner have to accept you're a real person.
If it does happen, then remember this: It's not a huge deal, and if it is a huge deal for them, then they're a huge tw*t.
Laugh it off, but don't find it that funny. I once woke up myself and a guy I had recently started dating by farting in bed. He was a total gent and ignored it. I, on the other hand, laughed for several minutes straight like an 8-year-old boy. Ultimately, I think that disturbed him more.
Remember, there's more to life than trying to hold in a fart.