Despite what you might've heard, it's still largely in the hands of the man to make any sort of first move when it comes to dating.
Surely, there are times when a girl will approach us first, but usually those types of things are like study dates, coffee dates and Sunday night TV-watching dates.
Generally speaking, these activities could all be "friend things," and remain pretty vague regarding the prospect of any sexual exertion.
In this fashion, any type of clear-cut, well-defined stab at pursuing something more will TYPICALLY rest on the shoulders of the dude.
Buying into this mindset doesn't make you any less feminist than the next man (or woman!), it just means you're mindful of the roles within our society – and don't really feel like waiting on a woman to drop out of the sky and ask your bum ass out on a date (because, frankly, we might be waiting a while).
So we remain out in the field, searching for prey, and when we see something we like, we pounce. Having said that, this "pounce" is usually more traumatic for us than the girl we're pouncing on, so to speak.
Paranoia, preoccupation with hidden motives, a brief detachment from reality – these are all symptoms you'll probably face when trying to court a lady who's sparked your interest.
Nevertheless, you'll be forced to find a way to press on, despite the anxiety, in pursuit of some math (her number).
The plot thickens, however, if you're sober. Yes, believe it or not, there are times when you may feel inclined to creep on a girl outside the walls of your fraternity house or some dive bar.
When this happens, you'll soon be trapped in your own thoughts, free of any help from some liquid courage.
When this happens, I'm sure your train of thought will resemble something in the ballpark of the following.
1. Sheesh, that girl is hot as sh*t.
2. Actually, she’s not hot – she’s beautiful.
3. I have to say something…
4. ...Which sounds great in theory, until you consider the fact that I have no f*cking clue what to say to her.
5. I don’t know what she’s going to respond well to -- she’s a complete stranger.
6. Do I compliment her?
7. I saw a video on catcalling last week – I’ve been traumatized about showing women any attention, even positive, since.
8. Like, I would ignore her, but I doubt she’s just going to come over here and start talking to me.
9. I’m wearing socks and sandals for Christ's sake.
10. No girl – in the history of ever – has gone out of her way for a dude wearing socks and sandals.
11. Well, if I just start up some casual conversation with her – she couldn’t just ignore me.
12. I mean, she could, though… that kind of thing has happened to me more than a few times.
13. I’m not even dressed properly; I wasn’t prepared to see my future wife at the bagel place.
14. Also probably shouldn’t have hit that roach on the walk over here.
15. The smell just stuck to this cotton crewneck too; she’s gonna think I’m a pothead.
16. It’s Cornell though, so at least she’ll think I’m the cool, smart, successful, kind of pothead – like, I don’t know, Sir Richard Branson or something.
17. She doesn’t need to know I didn’t actually go to Cornell... and really copped this sweater at a Walmart in the heart of Binghamton.
18. It’s close enough.
19. Hey, I’m Dan – and, YES, I did graduate from Cornell, actually…. Class of 2014, myself, LET'S GO…?
20. Never mind, zero clue what the Cornell mascot is – not going to half-ass it.
21. ...Maybe I’ll just have my boy walk up to her – and let her know I think she’s cute.
22. Ya, of course I’ll look like a third grader.
23. Yet – in some sick, twisted, way – I’m kinda trying to play that cute, shy, lovable, pussy card.
24. But what if she’s attracted to my homie?
25. He would abort mission on the spot and try to hijack her...
26. ...He lurks like that, I know him – this ain’t my first time at the old rodeo.
27. Nah, I gotta do this myself.
28. I’m a 22-year-old kid in the peak of my physical form.
29. I’m a man, this is what men do. They hunt. We hunt.
30. Right, so, where’s my homie???
32. She has to have seen me staring at her for, give or take, the past 20 minutes.
33. Now if I don’t make a move, she’ll probably make a concerted effort to watch me drive away – just to make sure I don’t follow her home or something.
34. Which, come to think of it, may not be the worst idea I’ve ever had.
35. Would that be so weird if I did?
36. E for effort?
37. I feel like when that type of stuff would happen in, like, 1980s romantic comedies, girls would swoon.
38. If I ever pulled some sh*t like that today, I’d get hit with a subpoena.
39. Wait, she’s on her phone.
40. Maybe if I can peer over her shoulder and, I don’t know, get a name from her Facebook – or a handle from her Twitter – I can stalk her ass at a later date; make it all look like a coincidence.
41. Not literally stalk, and not literally her ass.
42. Well, not literally stalk.
43. You know what? I think I'll just call it a day.