Valentine's Day is just one of those holidays -- you know, one of those holidays. It's a confusing time that seems specifically dedicated to overeating and self-loathing.
It turns everyone (and I mean, everyone) into people they're not.
Here's a list of the crazy people Valentine's Day creates, and how you can survive the day without becoming one of them:
1. The Over-Preparer
Wow. Girl, you got it bad. This is the person, who, whether single or not, has every detail, down to the last second, scheduled out.
She has a looming fear of an unsuccessful Valentine's Day, so feels the need to overcompensate.
Scenario: You planned a special day for you and your boyfriend, and by "day," I mean the entire day. You start your morning with drunch (AKA, drunk brunch) because... mimosas.
You then move on to your couple's spa day, full of massages and raw, annoying cucumbers on your eyes.
Fast-forward to a romantic, candlelit dinner, dessert at a penthouse and a carriage ride around the park, and your day is so jam-packed, you failed to enjoy any of it.
Treatment: Plan a great dinner — I mean, like, hella great. Pick the perfect spot and plan the perfect outfit, but that's all you get to do.
Then, once V-Day rolls around, figure out the rest when you wake up. Do something crazy spontaneous and enjoy it, no matter how stupid it is.
Go climb a mountain or ride horses or go to Toys-R-Us and buy the stupidest board game you see. Seriously, the last one is more fun than you'd think.
2. The Go-With-The-Flow
Ah, the complete opposite of the Over-Preparer. You don't really care what you do, where you eat or with whom you spend your time. It's just some stupid Hallmark holiday invented to waste people's money, right?
Wrong. It's a great excuse to show those around us that we care for them. Maybe this holiday was never special for you because you never made it special, but now's the time.
Scenario: You roll out of bed around 2 pm and walk to the fridge to down some milk straight from the carton. After an hour of hanging out and searching social media, you finally get dressed and head out.
Errand after errand later, you grab Chipotle and head home to watch "Say Yes to the Dress" with a box of wine. Semi-festive, but you've missed the entire point.
Treatment: Before Chipotle, go to CVS and buy one of those silly packs of Valentine's Day cards we used to get when we were kids. Maybe even buy some Nerds candy to attach to the cards.
Invite a couple friends over; give them their valentines and binge-watch "Say Yes to the Dress" together because that's what it's all about.
3. The Depressed Single
Aka, me. I mean, it's understandable with a holiday like this. Every store is covered in mushy-gushy junk, and I want nothing to do with it. There's a reason why Valentine's Day is nicknamed National Singles Awareness Day, right? Come on, we're better than that.
Scenario: It's 5 pm and you've just woken up. You head to the supermarket in your PJs because who cares?
The first thing you do is find the ice cream aisle. After failing to decide on which Ben & Jerry's flavor you want, you choose the giant tub of knockoff ice cream. You all know the one I'm talking about… It's literally depression in a tub.
After, you head to the liquor store to pick up vodka and wine because wine just isn't enough for this holiday.
Treatment: Find your loneliest gal pal and take her on an extravagant date. Seriously, just do it. I mean, really wine and dine her until she's physically ill from all the cheese you're laying down.
After dinner, take out that wine and ice cream and watch "The Notebook" until your eyes swell so much you can't see.
4. The Overly Optimistic Single
“I don't need a man to make me happy.”
Listen, I believe no one needs a man to be happy, but when you say it enough, it starts to seem like you're trying to convince yourself it's true. Optimism is great, but too much and you'll start seeming a bit crazy. It's okay to not like Valentine's Day.
Scenario: You work a 14-hour shift and tell everyone, “Happy Valentine's Day!” with a smile so big, the rest of your face disappears. After working way too hard on a holiday (hey, it is a holiday), you head home to feed the 24 cats that live in your apartment.
Forty Bagel Bites and some tequila later, you're dancing to Ella Fitzgerald with your favorite cat, Buster. You fall asleep on your couch reading, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven."
Treatment: Buy 20 large, heart-shaped balloons and pop them, one by one. Once that's complete, play hooky from work and visit some old friends.
It's very important to still dance with Buster because he would probably be sad if you missed your annual dance party.