Clearly, I'm single, but were going to rewind a year and a half (oh, that's pathetic) and pretend my mentality is on the same wavelength as many of you wifed-up readers. Ah, okay, relationship mindset. (Hmm, maybe these annoyances are why I'm single? Oh, well, sucks to suck.)
The dynamics of relationships are quite intricate, as they usually involve excessive text messages, nagging and incessant questions. As much as we'd like to blame the men in our lives for issues in our relationships, many of them are actually our own fault.
I know, I said it, but relax! We bombard our boyfriends with tons of questions, despite the fact that we know we're annoying them. I mean, they're our boyfriends. Isn't answering our questions part of the job description?
As much as you readers may take offense to this satirical article, you can't deny that there is truth behind it. Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the most honest expressions of self-acceptance, so keep that in mind as you peruse the following list.
Let's explore the most common and annoying questions we barrage our counterparts with on the reg:
1. Why are you being weird?
There's a 98 percent chance that your partner isn't being weird at all. In fact, chances are he probably just isn't giving you the attention you want at the moment; ergo, why is he being weird?
2. Are you mad at me?
This may go hand-in-hand with #1, but this is our default question when our boyfriends aren't talking to us or allowing 10-minute time gaps between text messages.
3. What do video games have that I don't have?
I'm all for a nice relaxing game of Crash Bandicoot or Spyro The Dragon, but I don't understand the appeal of Call Of Duty or sports-related video games. Can't you just hit up your friends and go play basketball OUTSIDE?
4. Did I take my birth control today?
This is every boyfriend's worst nightmare. Actually, the positive pregnancy test may be his worst nightmare. How is your boyfriend supposed to know if you took your birth control? Do both of you a favor and set a "be smart" alarm that reminds you to take your pill every day.
5. Can I have a sweatshirt?
Boyfriend's clothing items are essential to any woman's wardrobe. It's actually best to not even ask this question because your boyfriend is well aware he will never see that piece of clothing again. Just steal it! Chances are he won't even realize it's missing; just be sure not to wear it around him.
6. Where are you?
This question usually comes up whenever a girl's boyfriend doesn't respond to her texts or calls. She clearly assumes the worst, even though he is probably just napping.
7. Do I look fat?
There is no right answer to this question, even if you think you are telling your girlfriend what she wants to hear. Chances are you don't really sound believable because you're baffled she'd even ask this of you.
8. Did you ever hook up with her?
Deny, deny, deny.
9. Do you watch porn?
Everyone watches porn (gasp, I said it!). For some reason, girls feel the need to question their boyfriends about this topic. Let's be real for a moment: Do you really want him to answer this question honestly? That's what I thought.
10. Why won't you just give me attention?
We're girls and we want attention. Isn't that your job?
11. Where/what should we eat?
This is the biggest debate that occurs in any relationship. It's just a meal! Who cares what you're eating, as long as you get to enjoy each other's company, right? Haha, yeah, right.
12. Why is your mom such a bitch?
She's actually quite nice, but she just doesn't like you… Oh, well, I guess that makes sense.
13. Do you want to be in a Facebook relationship?
NO! It's 2014, there is absolutely no need to display your relationship like that. It's childish and immature. If you're engaged or married, good for you, go ahead! But when you inevitably break up, it's really awkward when your friends can "like" and comment on the activity.
14. Why is she texting you?
She's my sister...
15. I'm not even drunk, what are you talking about?
We like to conceal how drunk we are to our partners. They are clearly aware of how intoxicated we are, but for some reason, we try to hide it. In this instance, we aren't really trying to convince them as much as we are trying to convince ourselves.
16. Do you think she's pretty?
You asked and he answered. Too bad it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Men, if you are reading this, this is a test, and if you answer yes, then, well, you fail.
17. What's wrong?
Stop being paranoid! Whatever is bothering your boyfriend probably has nothing to do with you. He's probably just pissed because the Cowboys cut Demarcus Ware.
18. Do your friends like me?
They probably like you as a person, but they don't like the fact that you take their friend away from them.
19. Why don't you want to hang out with my friends?
As much as you'd love to bring your boyfriend to girl's night, that is the last thing he wants to do in his free time. You have your time; let him have his time.
20. Do you want to meet my parents?
The time has come and sh*t has just gotten official. No one wants to meet the parents of their significant other, but hey, you got to do what you got to do.
21. Why do you have to watch sports every day?
Why do you wax your eyebrows? Because it's a lifestyle, that's why.
22. Do you want me to pay for this?
We don't really mean we'll pay; we're just testing you. But don't worry, we're happy to split the bill from time to time.
23. Who just texted you?
Who cares who texted your boyfriend? Seriously, who cares? All you're doing is making yourself seem insecure. Every time you don't harass your boyfriend about who texts him, you win a point (think of it that way).
24. Why did you like her Instagram?
"Umm, because she's bungee jumping and how f*cking cool is that?" "Oh yeah, you're right..."
25. Why do you think you're always right?
Don't you know the girl is always right? Even when she is wrong, she is right. The sooner the boys learn, the better.
26. Why don't you ever listen to me?
Are you talking about your friend's drama? Yup, that's why he isn't listening to you. If the conversation doesn't directly relate to him, well then, he's probably tuning you out.
27. Can we stay in tonight?
Isn't the point of having a boyfriend to have someone to stay in on a Friday night with? No? Oh, maybe that's why I'm still single.
28. Are you really going to wear that?
"You're wearing sneakers to a formal event? SMH"
29. Why did Matt tweet that you were at a movie when you said you were going bowling, but your picture and check-in location says you were at a bar?
Look at you, Nancy Drew! Congrats on your detective work, but your boyfriend was just having a boy's night. It's all about picking and choosing your battles and this is not one you want to start.