Men lie; women lie; everybody lies.
There's no way to avoid dishonesty. It's not like there are any "truly straightforward" human civilizations floating around you could pack your bags and move to in a moment's time.
If there were, trust me, I'd find the nearest one ASAP.
As it happens, though, dishonesty is simply part of human nature. Like I said, you can't run from it, so you might as well embrace it and try your best to stay one step ahead of it.
In the world of relationships, or in any other forms of dating, lies pop up with the frequency of Kevin Hart films – and sometimes they'll go as unnoticed, too. For that reason, it's always important to have your bullsh*t detector on high power.
Look, lying is normal – especially concerning matters of trivial importance. With that said, when these lies start piling up, it's important to keep it a buck with yourself and wonder whether or not you've strapped yourself to someone with their pants on fire.
And, no, that wasn't a high-fashion pun about your girl's choice of denim.
Here are 15 common lies that women will tell us, and what they actually mean. If a lot of these sound familiar, sh*t, man, it might be time for a talk.
Maybe inquire about the cost of polygraph rentals, too, while you're at it.
1. “I’m fine.”
What it means: If today were opposite day, yeah, I’d be fine.
Why they use it: Because it would be too easy to just come right out and tell us that something’s bothering them.
Used in a sentence: “Don’t worry about standing me up at dinner last night, I’m fine.”
Synonyms: It’s whatever; Don’t worry about it, Let’s just move on
2. “I never do this.”
What it means: I do this quite often, really.
Why they use it: To give the impression that they don’t do sh*t like this on a week-to-week basis.
Used in a sentence: “Oh... you didn’t use a condom – it's OK, I never do this."
Synonyms: This is new for me; Wow, first time for everything I guess
3. “I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
What it means: I’ll be ready in 25 to 35 minutes.
Why they use it: To buy themselves some more time while getting ready.
Used in a sentence: “You can wait outside, I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
Synonyms: Gimme a couple; I’ll be out soon; Five mins; Take a five
4. “I’m not drunk.”
What it means: I’m very drunk.
Why they use it: To prove that they’re very in control of themselves and liquor consumption.
Used in a sentence: “What Er u saying I’m yb hte bar…..I’m not drunk.”
Synonyms: I barely even drank; I’m not durnkk
5. “I’m not gonna puke.”
What it means: Start the countdown, she’s about to blow.
Why they use it: I don’t know, maybe because she’s triple the legal BAC limit and her perception is slightly skewed.
Used in a sentence: “No, I just need to use the bathroom within the next 10 seconds – no, I’m not gonna puke.”
Synonyms: I feel fine; I just have to use the ladies' room; Excuse me for a second; Where the F*CK is the nearest bathroom
6. “I’m usually not this crazy.”
What it means: I’m usually crazy, just maybe not THIS crazy.
Why they use it: To salvage any remains of their integrity and perhaps their chance at a second date.
Used in a sentence: “Wow, that escalated really fast. I’m usually not this crazy.”
Synonyms: I’m normal; I’M NORMAL
7. “Oh, he’s just a friend.”
What it means: He’s a friend, but, yeah, I probably have slept with him at some point or another.
Why they use it: To keep their sexual history as vague as possible.
Used in a sentence: “The guy who just touched my ass? Oh, he’s just a friend – stop being so paranoid."
Synonyms: We went to camp together; I know him from high school; he’s like a brother to me
8. “I didn’t expect anything from you anyway.”
What it means: She expected quite a bit from you, in fact – now that you’ve split ties with her – the book of baby names she bought will undoubtedly go to waste.
Why they use it: To project the fact that they’re independent and by no means emotionally invested in you.
Used in a sentence: “Oh, we’re breaking up… now? That’s fine, I didn’t expect anything from you anyway.”
Synonyms: We weren’t anything, anyway
9. “I promise I won’t get mad.”
What it means: Wait and see how mad I’m about to get.
Why they use it: To entice you into divulging something you wouldn’t have, prior.
Used in a sentence: “Just tell me the truth, everything, I promise I won’t get mad.”
Synonyms: I don’t care, just tell me; Just tell me now and I’ll forget about it
10. “I’m not the type to get jealous…”
What it means: Something just made me jealous.
Why they use it: To provide themselves with some feigned confidence.
Used in a sentence: “I saw you check out that girl, good thing I’m not the type to get jealous or else we’d have a problem."
Synonyms: She was gross
11. “We were bar hopping.”
What it means: There was probably a club, or two, as well as a dude’s apartment involved.
Why they use it: Because “bar hopping” sounds fun-loving and innocent.
Used in a sentence: "Yeah, it was a girls' night, we just went bar hopping."
Synonyms: Bounced around some dive bars; We had a low-key night; It was an early night
12. “I don’t care about her, she’s in your past.”
What it means: I really haven’t been able to do much of anything since I saw you like her Instagram.
Why they use it: To make it known that she’s aware of your dating history and ensure that it remains “history.”
Used in a sentence: "Your ex texted you? True, I don’t care about her, she’s in your past."
Synonyms: Whatever; She’s old news; Do you still want her?
13. “I’m on my period.”
What it means: We ain’t having sex!
Why they use it: Because they ain’t trying to have sex with your sorry ass!
Used in a sentence: "Stay right there, I’m on my period."
Synonyms: It’s my time of the month; I don’t think you’re going to wanna go down there; These sheets are new; Yeah, I’ve got the new stringless tampons
14. “Sorry my phone’s dying and the charger is on the other side of the room.”
What it means: You just got ignored via text.
Why they use it: To seem polite, even though they just blatantly ignored a string of your text messages.
Used in a sentence: "Sorry, my phone’s dying and the charger is on the other side of the room – I’m just getting these now." [...Weeks later.]
Synonyms: I'm sorry, the number you have reached is not in service or is temporarily disconnected
15. “I’ve only had sex with [insert low number here] people.”
What it means: I’ve had sex with [that tiny number of] people, multiplied by three.
Why they use it: To appear more sexually selective than they might be.
Used in a sentence: "I’ve only had sex with three people, and I’m just keeping the Costco-sized box of dental dams in the closet for my roommate."
Synonyms: I’m a virgin