It feels like only yesterday I was a college student, indulging in frequent viewings of the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” with my friends. Let me paint the picture of the almost-religious female ritual: There are five to 10 girls packed onto a cheap futon, indulging in some decadent boxed wine.
Two or three girls are crying because the gravity of being oh-so-single is really hitting them hard right now. One girl is in a long-term relationship, and you keep meaning to tell that happy b*tch to get out (this is a single-girls-pity-party).
Everyone is aware of one of the most present messages of the movie: It's painfully obvious when a guy isn't into you, yet many girls fail to be able to just leave it at that.
It really is so easy to tell when someone doesn’t like you, and wouldn’t dating be so much more pleasant if we could all just walk away from such situations with not so much as a frown?
No matter how strong your feelings are, obvious rejection should be the ultimate turnoff, pushing you to maturely walk away from the situation with your head held high, and your dignity and sanity still intact.
That somehow seems too simple, however, and while some girls posses the admirable capacity to pull this off, many of us simply do not. I’ve seen this process play out before, with both friends, acquaintances and dare I say, to some extent, myself.
Whether it was someone you were dating, someone you were hooking up with or someone you admired from afar, here are some steps that immediately follow when the realization hits that “he’s just not that into you.”
The first instinct after we realize someone is just not that into us is usually denial. We make excuses such as, "He’s probably not texting me back because he’s busy at work." Or, "He probably just canceled our plans because he had a family thing."
We tell ourselves these lies (which we probably already know aren’t true) to prolong the hurt, and hold on to that last little ounce of hope. Deep down, however, we know he’s blatantly ignoring our texts, and he canceled those plans to bang that slut, Becky, from Tinder.
2. Personality bashing
When someone does you wrong, it's only human nature to want to tear him or her apart. You, along with your friends, talk some serious sh*t in attempt to soften the blow, and to give yourself the illusion of control.
Insulting someone’s personality usually comes first because it’s vague, takes so little effort and the same insults can be recycled for use with multiple men you need to hate. Every guy who wrongs you is an assh*le, a loser, a d*ckhead, etc.
This dude who just essentially tore your heart out is actually a horrible human being, and you are better off without him, so you say a small prayer of thanks that he rejected you.
You know it’s immature and you know how basic you’re being, but you don’t care; this is all part of a process.
3. Assault on appearance
You’ve been calling this dude a lazy, unsuccessful d-bag for days now, and surprisingly, it hasn’t made you feel all that much better. It’s time to get a bit more personal.
At this point, you are pretty sure you have never felt so much hatred towards another human being before. How dare he not love you? You’re the f*cking best. These feelings inspire a new level of pure detestation, which you are about to unleash regarding this d*ckhole. It’s time to get personal.
Suddenly, this person you previously swooned over is actually fugly as f*ck. His eyes, in which you once found yourself lost, are now the most unsightly things you’ve ever seen. His hair is repulsive, his body is weirdly shaped, his face looks like it got run over by a train and his penis is the worst.
Essentially, you just need to reiterate to yourself how much you don’t need this now-less-than-attractive loser in your life, and you were so dumb for ever thinking you did.
4. Shaming his manhood
He’s whack in the sack, and you really need all of your friends to know how bad it was and what a hero you are for putting up with it.
You have truly been waiting for the Academy to contact you regarding the Oscar you deserve for all that amazing acting you had to do.
5. Tearing apart his taste in other women
You’re pretty sure he’s talking to that skanky looking girl whose pictures he’s been liking on Instagram. You smile the biggest smile because you are way hotter than her.
You say a silent prayer that he contracts whatever STD she surely has.
6. Drunk texting him
All the “progress” you’ve made comes to a crash when you take one tequila shot too many, and text him something like, “Yurr the wUrstt, yOuu have a small PenisS and I Hateeeee YOU,” to which he will, hopefully, not respond.
You lose; he now knows you still want him.
7. Deleting his number
The next morning, you look at your phone and want to literally die from embarrassment. You promised yourself you were over him.
You delete his number to avoid any further such incidents. Plus everyone knows that when you delete someone from your contacts, you are also symbolically deleting him from your life.
8. Regretting deleting his number
That was a rash decision, wasn’t it? He could have been the one and now you don’t even have his number.
9. Airing him out on social media
Since each of your friends has heard this story, and your borderline-obsessive reasoning on the situation, it’s time to take your complaining to the last place you should ever take it: social media.
You slam your Twitter followers with, “Ugh, guys suck so much.” Your Facebook friends get a way more detailed paragraph of that message, then Instagram a meme that reads, “Just because you have a big d*ck doesn’t mean you have to be one.”
Your clouded brain thinks you showed him, but in reality, he didn’t see any of your posts. And, instead of getting your message across, you’re just annoying people and finally giving your old high school classmates a reason to unfriend you.
10. Shedding a few tears
At this point, the whole charade is running on for way too long. You’re starting to sound like a psycho, and you know this. You are affirming the popular notion that women are crazy, and you need to cut this sh*t out right now.
You know you need to pull yourself together and begin the search for the sanity you surely have lost. But right now, you’re finding it really hard to hold back some tears. And when someone asks if you’re crying, the floodgates open.
You know you should be over this, but your feelings are hurt. Plus, you just listened to that song that reminds you of how single you are, and you realize you’re probably going to die alone (not to be dramatic or anything).
11. Realizing you "were way too good for him anyway"
Because you f*cking are, princess.
12. Keying his car
Really? I was just kidding, but, okay you crazy b*tch.
You’ve settled your brain, and you realize this was never anything special. Sometimes a guy is just not into you, and that’s okay.
14. Moving on
Sometimes it’s less about the person, and more about the feeling of being rejected; rejection never feels good.
Regardless, it is way past time you moved on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have too great of a set of boobs to have to put up with this nonsense.
So, you get real basic and Instagram a few inspirational quotes (Ex: “If you want to fly, you have to let go of the things that hold you down”). And, just like that, you’re a new woman. You're all ready to work on yourself because you do not -- repeat do not -- need an man in your life.
Of course, we could just accept rejection gracefully and move on, but that just doesn’t always happen.
There are so many reasons why a dude may just not be that into you. And while the things we do to cope may not always be the most mature or best ways to handle the situation, sometimes it’s all we can do. So head up, you got this, babydoll.
Important Note: If you find yourself checking all of these off your “get over him” list on a regular basis, you should probably get your sh*t together.