Face it: Not much good can come from surrounding yourself with shady people.
Unless you're somewhere sprawled out in a hammock, or the president of some Marshall Mathers appreciation club, nobody truly likes "shady." Nobody looks for "shady" as a quality in another person.
Shady is a term we'll use pretty much as the semantic training wheels before definitively calling someone a liar or outright dishonest.
Still, as human beings, we naturally tend to flock towards things we don't fully understand – even if they do end up hurting us.
We're instinctively curious creatures. It's in our genetic code, for burden or blessing.
For men, when we find a girl who keeps us guessing, we usually have an inclination to stick around and keep guessing – despite the fact she's also driving us nuts in the process.
For whatever reason, there's just something about her mystique that keeps pulling us in – it's like a whiff of an Auntie Anne's from the other side of the airport or Al Pacino in the "Godfather III."
Yeah, those cinnamon things from Auntie Anne's -- don't act like you didn't know what I was referring to there.
If you think you're dating a shady girl, but aren't 100 percent sure, well, you're in luck. That's what I'm here for.
I've got some experience dating shady chicks and, thus, feel obligated to share some clarity with those currently catching shade like the present time on a sundial.
So, without further ado, let's get this show on the road.
11. Texts routinely start with "hey you."
At first, “hey you” may appear to be a cute way to start a text conversation. That said, when you’re referred to exclusively as “you” after a few months, you'll start to question whether or not this chick even knows your legal name.
Why do you think Destiny's Child made that song back in 2000? "Say my name, say my name, you actin' kinda shady..." They were clearly dealing with the same type of sh*t.
Now, you don’t know whether she has a f*ck-ton of names to keep track of, or if super generic text greetings are just her comfort zone -- not that one is better than the other, to be honest.
10. She's constantly "watching TV with the girls."
With the girls... She's always "with the girls."
Something doesn’t smell kosher to you, not with your girlfriend spending three to five nights a week “with her girls” watching "American Horror Story."
But, you’re keen; you did your homework and kept tabs on how many times she’s overused this excuse. By your count, which has since eclipsed 100, you expected this horror story to be a rather long one.
Newsflash: You know how many seasons there are of "American Horror Story"? FOUR f*cking seasons -- 51 episodes, if you’re counting this season.
Do the math. And, let’s just say, I doubt she's been watching episodes twice.
9. She never wants you to come to her place.
Women will play the “chivalry is dead” card like it's Monopoly – but not you, man, you’re a gentleman.
You always offer to come to her place, but she always insists. She'd rather take two subways and walk four blocks to come to yours every single time.
You find this curious, considering your floor doubles as your closet and you rarely even bother moving the Cetaphil bottle from your bedside before she comes over.
Suddenly, you realize you’ve never even been to her apartment, and sense there’s a good possibility her desk is covered with Pic Stitch collages of her and some secret boyfriend...
...But, then, you remember you never have to leave your apartment and decide to wait for newer, more conclusive, evidence.
For now, though, you consider it a cold case -- at least until the summer, when it's warm enough to make the trek over to her hideout... I mean, apartment.
8. She knows everyone and everyone knows her.
When she decides to show face with you in public, you soon discover just how much of a social butterfly she really is. Hell, by the looks of it, she’s the woman of the hour.
Who was that? Jenny, she was in my sorority; she's a "college friend." What about her? Her, I grew up with her; she’s a "friend from home." Uhh, where do you know him from? Oh, he’s just a "camp friend."
Once you start to get the feeling she has friends from more genres than you have individual friends, you can’t help but feel slightly threatened.
But, then you laugh it off after realizing she’s in her early 20s and referred to other adults as “camp friends.”
7. She has a ton of unexplainable hoodies.
Don’t get me wrong; you enjoy a good hoodie just as much as the next man or woman, but this one -- she takes it to a whole new extreme.
Still, you respect the cozy factor -- even though she’s dressed like a high school student trying to hide the fact she's stoned in class the majority of the time.
Deep down, it's the designs on most of the hoodies that's honestly keep you up at night. They're all collegiate athletic hoodies from different schools.
No matter how many times she tries telling you it was her who played lacrosse at Cornell, you find it hard to believe that she had time to do it while also playing basketball at Ohio State.
6. Her Snapchats and text messages rarely align.
Ten minutes ago, she texted you that she was lying in bed having a “bummy day,” but according to her most recent Snapchat story – she's currently getting sushi with some “Brad” character (along with a bunch of highly ambiguous emoji).
You’re appalled, seeing they’re already a few pieces deep into their rolls, and you know damn well, unless they teleported there, her timestamps ain’t adding up.
At least, not if that sushi was prepared on sight – which, aside from a few upscale grocery stores, it always is.
You're absolutely right, something is indeed amiss.
5. She’s “BFF” with all her exes.
He’s “like family,” she tells you. You try to see where she’s coming from; you've tried getting on her level, but you simply cannot – and probably because you never used to bang anyone in your family.
Nevertheless, this seems to be the common theme among all of her old flames: They all seem to be one big, happy family.
Your exes, on the other hand, are slightly different. The only common theme among your past girlfriends is the fact you’ve made all of them cry inside Starbucks -- and couldn’t resist consoling them afterwards.
4. She never holds your hand in public.
It’s a nice day out, so you call her and suggest a stroll around the city. What can you say? You’re feeling romantic.
Not for long, though. Once you're together, she avoids contact with your hand like she owes it a large sum of money.
Is she a germaphobe? No, you’ve seen her share shot glasses before -- and, she has no problem smoking your joints.
Is your grip too tight? Well, it’s firm, but really only in business situations. Wait, did she just introduce you as her brother to that dude before?
Why, yes, you think she did.
3. There’s always obscure paraphernalia in her bag.
Her bag is like a thrift store with handles. You name it, she’s got it -- and for no sensible reason, to boot.
There’s a fine, fine line between being shady and being well-prepared, and she definitely tangos closer to the former on that meridian.
While it’s reassuring she keeps a few extra SIM cards in her pocketbook, just in case you decide to change phone numbers in the middle of lunch, it’s also sort of weird.
What's also weird is the credit card she carries around issued to some dude with an Eastern European sounding name. And those caffeine tablets she has, with the label crudely ripped off? Yeah, it's all pretty weird, man.
2. She doesn’t have a Facebook.
Yeah, okay. Does she expect you to believe she’s content with real-world relationships? Pshh, you’re not that naive and, frankly, you’re kind of insulted she thought you were. Hmmm, she doesn’t have a Facebook?
"It’s great," she says very nonchalantly as if she doesn’t understand why the 1.35 billion people with Facebook accounts make such a fuss.
When Grandma has a f*cking Facebook – and she barely knows how to operate a computer, God bless her soul – you start to really question your girl’s motive behind ignoring the progression of modern society.
My take on the situation? Oh, she has a Facebook alright, just try searching her first and middle name, instead. Although, I’m not too sure you’re going to like what you’re about to see.
1. The shadier she is, the more you want her.
At this point, you’re fully aware she’s shadier than Yankee Stadium in the latter innings of a matinee, and it only makes you want her more.
She’s like a good mystery novel that keeps throwing plot twists at you -- except, she’ll never really explain any of them down the road. Instead, they’ll just sort of fester until you pretend you’ve forgotten about them... which you won't.
Hell, you hardly forget anything; you've only learned to avoid calling her out for her shady behavior.
The last time you mentioned how strange you thought it was she had her period three times in two weeks, she called you a chauvinistic pig and gave you the silent treatment for days.
But, you know you're not chauvinistic. You just think three periods in one month, like a menstrual ellipsis, is a little, well, shady.
Frankly, I think it's a lot shady.