In today's society, where unrealistic body expectations for women are the norm, I can’t help but think about the craziness us women go through to look good.
I look at Caitlyn Jenner’s picture and think, “Damn, why can’t I look like that?” But good style, flawless looks and an overall amazing first impression always come at a price.
It usually begins to show its ugly face when the lights turn on at the end of the night, and you’re forced to make the decision. Do I go home with him, or do I go home alone?
Here are 10 very real struggles we face as women in order to look good, without looking like we’re trying to look good.
1. Tight undergarments that hold it all in
All women will tell you they hate them, but I can guarantee we have all worn some version of Spanx at least once. And if you say no, you’re a f*cking liar. It sucks, tucks and transforms your lumps and bumps into what can only be described as an illusion.
An issue always arises when it’s time for the dress to come off and the lights to go down. It’s a predicament like no other. Not only do you not want him to witness the horrid piece of clothing, but you also realize you’ve been giving off a slightly false impression as to what you really look like.
This usually involves skipping off to the bathroom, peeling them off and stuffing them behind his toilet where you can retrieve them in the morning. Heading back to his room, you know you’re less flawless than when you left, but you hope he’s just too drunk to realize (or care).
It always seems like a good idea when you’re putting it on aggressively before you head to the bar or on that hot date. You look at yourself in the mirror and think, "Damn girl!"
The next morning is always the treat. You quietly sneak to the washroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Then, immediately (and very quietly), you grab your clothes and start your walk of shame home.
You would rather everyone on his street see your questionable decisions than have him wake up next to the Grim Reaper.
What if you want to see him again? Then, you quickly wet pieces of toilet paper, rub your eyes and try to salvage the situation, so you can go back to his bed looking like you woke up this way.
3. Delicately eating
If you think girls eat salads every night with no meat, only lettuce and dressing on the side, you’re delusional. Only Kayla Itsines eats like that.
Chances are, I’m still going to order that pitiful salad because I don’t want you to know how much I truly love meat. And frankly, I don’t yet know where the night is going.
After all, this is usually at the beginning of the night, so I still have a few short moments to try and portray a lady-like disposition before I totally f*ck it up.
4. Beach hair
If guys ever knew the amount of work that goes into looking like we didn’t do our hair, they would be appalled. It’s curling, brushing out, spraying and curling again.
What my real beach hair looks like? Hair that is so knotted, it’s starting to form dreads sprinkled with sand. Trying too hard is way worse than not trying hard enough, so we have created this hair style to both look “casual” and fun.
The fact of the matter is my real casual and fun hairstyle is usually accompanied by an entire outfit consisting of a messy bun, sweats and an old logo t-shirt that is mildly offensive. That’s more of a second date hairstyle, though.
5. Waxed everything
This isn’t even an exaggeration. To adequately prepare for a date or sexual encounter of any kind, one must be as slick as a baby seal.
Not only is this expensive and painful, but the maintenance of it alone is a part-time job. The timing has to be just right to ensure there’s no stubble, and smoothness is at its prime.
The conundrum of waxing is you have to have hair to wax, and if it’s that prickly in-between time, you’re frantically looking for a razor and shaving every square inch of your body.
Can’t find a razor? Just cancel the date all together.
Women have such a love-hate relationship with heels. While making everyone look slimmer and taller, the brutality behind them is outrageous.
After a night spent wheeling and dealing, the last thing you want to do is put them back on, let alone do a walk of shame home. The next morning as I walk away, I’m sure I leave him wondering if I’ve always walked with a limp, or if he was just too drunk to realize it the night before.
7. Double Chin
I don’t care what you say; when you’re lying a certain way, everyone looks like he or she has a double chin. All you skinny bitches can’t escape this.
The trick is to make sure you’re lying in exactly the right way, and hope you wake up before him so you can reposition yourself accordingly.
8. Seeing me naked
I will literally do anything and everything in my control to prevent you from seeing me in full nudity. I might give you a shoulder here and a leg there, but seeing me in full nudity is like seeing a unicorn. It’s rare unless we’re both deeply under the influence.
This is why no one ever goes on dates before 8 pm, and women take a little longer to get ready. We’re like vampires waiting for the sun to set, so we can move like shadows in the night.
9. Morning breath
Enough said, am I right?
10. The next morning send-off
This is always the most awkward part of the morning or night, if you haven’t already snuck out.
Did he have a good time? Should I ask for his number, or will he ask for mine?
Should we kiss? Should we hug? Should I just give him a high five, and slap him on the ass as I walk away?
This always takes way longer than it needs to.
You want to start small talk now? Really? All I want to do is go home, brush my teeth, shower and get into bed, regretting all the decisions I’ve made.