10 Signs You And Your Boyfriend Are An Old Married Couple

by Alexia LaFata

In the beginning of your relationship, you and your boyfriend were on your best behavior. You dressed up nicely and went to fun restaurants. You took walks around the park, stared into each other's eyes and basked in the newness of your fantastic relationship. Also, the sex was out of this world.

But now, you've settled into a routine. "Dressing up nicely" has turned into making sure you're wearing clean underwear, and "going to a fun restaurant" has turned into ordering takeout. You look into each other's eyes only if you're plucking a few of his stray eyebrow hairs. And the sex didn't necessarily become bad -- it just became a little predictable.

When you've been with someone for long enough, it's inevitable that at some point you will spend more Friday nights in than out, and pooping with the door open will become normal. Eventually, you'll start feeling like an old married couple.

I'm not talking the newlywed couple who just got back from their honeymoon in Santorini. No, I'm talking the 55-year-old couple with the college-aged kids whose Friday night activity includes watching "Shark Tank," drinking tea and having an early bedtime. Now that's old and married.

Here are 10 signs that you and your boyfriend are already there.

1. You prefer staying in to going out on the weekends.

All of your mutual friends are going to check out the new bar downtown, but you guys are deciding whether or not you want to order Thai or Indian food for takeout. 

Since you're old and married, you'll probably go with the choice that gives you the least amount of gas.

2. And then you go to bed before midnight.

It's a Friday night, and you guys are asleep by 12. Are you my parents?

3. You don't fall asleep cuddling.

Having sex and then spooning afterwards for a little bit is great. But when it's time to sleep, you both need to SEPARATE. It gets way too freaking hot if you're trying to doze off when you're that close together.

Also, you've gotta get up early to drive the kids back to school tomorrow. (No? Too much?)

4. You've let yourselves go.

The two of you have gained a ton of weight during the course of your relationship. Your love handles have spiraled out of control, and your boyfriend's beer belly grows every time he takes his clothes off. Honestly, you hardly recognize each other.

Yeah, guys. That's what eating takeout without walking around the park will do to you.

5. You don't stress about shaving.

Full bush? Check. Hairy legs? Check. Wild, unkempt beard? Check, check, check. You guys really DGAF anymore. (Insert Marilyn Monroe quote about handling you at your worst here).

6. Sex has become a little stale.

It was hard enough to feel sexy with the weight gain and the incessant hairiness. Now, the actual act of sex has lost its luster.

It's not that you don't enjoy sex. You do! You two just don't have that same desire to rip each other's clothes off that you had when you first started. You're not lighting candles, slipping on lingerie and making sure that you look good from every angle anymore. It's not worth the stress.

These days, you just wanna get in and get out.

7. Conversations devolve into arguments about finances.

Him: "How was your day?"

You: "Good! I went shopping. I spent, like, 300 dollars..."

Him: "Are you SERIOUS? I'm not going to be able to afford your expensive lifestyle!"


8. You talk sh*t about each other's parents.

Your boyfriend's mom babies him way too much, and you have no problem telling him what a helicopter parent she is. And when your mother calls you fat because she thinks you've gained weight, your boyfriend will happily call her a bitch. You guys have a healthy amount of resentment toward each other's parents.

Hey, you're not old and married unless you hate each other's in-laws, right?

9. Anniversaries are hardly celebrated, if at all.

You don't need a whole showy display to demonstrate your love for each other. You guys have been together so long that celebrating an anniversary feels more like a chore than something you actually want to do. At this point, it's just assumed that you will keep lasting year after year.

You even feel too lazy to give him the anniversary beej you've resorted to giving him every year, and he also probably won't get you flowers. I'm pretty sure my parents don't even exchange cards anymore.

Yeah. You're that over it.

10. You wouldn't trade your old-married-ness for the world.

Anyone can get dressed up and go to fancy dinners, but it takes real love to pluck eyebrow hairs and NOT celebrate anniversaries. Sure, your stomach rolls will hang TF out of your dirty-ass T-shirt when you're having sex, and a fart will probably slip out when he's f*cking you from behind, but who cares? You don't need to impress each other.

Your relationship may be monotonous and routine at times, but you wouldn't ever want anything else.