Class is in session.
Swiftie University’s newest concentration in depressing poetry and shading British actors has finally revealed its distinguished faculty. Naturally, this newly instituted Tortured Poets Department will be led by Taylor Swift herself.
Swift has previously served as the Chair of the Department of Unhinged Easter Eggs, published a thesis on the effects of insomnia on broken hearts, and most recently, led a research team (including all three Professors Haim) to uncover the sociological urge to define time in eras. Now she’s in her Tortured Poets era.
As expected, Swift has enlisted some familiar faces from around campus to join her — mostly other literature professors she’s co-written with before, but there is a pretty surprising transfer from the athletics department. Every poet needs a muse, after all.
Now that the Tortured Poets Department has officially opened enrollment, here are the scholars who will be leading you through sad sonnets and vengeful verses.
As Department Chair, Swift maintains complete poetic license over the syllabus. That includes new rules of punctuation (state names must be followed by three exclamation marks) and abbreviations (“loml” is now an academically acceptable shortening of “love of my life”).
Her reach extends beyond purely literary concerns, though. Swift is also reinstating the archaic science of alchemy as a course of study, along with a symposium on the life cycle of seabirds.
Students will not be shocked to learn Swift’s closest colleagues are helping her run the new department. Jack Antonoff has been tenured within Swiftie University for over a decade now, after he aided Swift in discovering a new genre that’s been described as sweeter than fiction.
Aaron Dessner’s tenure was more recent, but just as significant. He’s been pivotal in refining the university’s interest in folklore and history, producing pivotal insights into mid-century socialites, the love life of poets like Emily Dickinson, and even Swift’s own grandmother.
Antonoff is co-writing eight of Swift’s new works, with Dessner contributing to five.
Swift has been more open to collaborating with new scholars recently, such as professor emeritus Ice Spice. For this new department, Florence Welch and Post Malone have joined the staff.
Professor Welch’s area of concentration will be on artistic inspirations in the American Southeast. Professor Malone will conduct a seminar on antiquated measurements of time.
The department is thrilled to welcome some exciting guests to speak to students this semester. Famed actress Clara Bow and the bewitching songstress Stevie Nicks will inspire us all to be dazzling.
As an aid to the hard-working professors, Travis Kelce will serve as a TA. Kelce’s chief interest at Swiftie University is the school’s football program — which honestly was mainly overlooked up until recently. Though he has expressed an aptitude for poetry in the past, crafting brief but powerful odes to the Olive Garden and the spelling of “squirrel.”
Unfortunately, Professor Alwyn won’t be as involved in this project as he has in past endeavors. He has returned to London — a city that is no longer recognized by Swiftie University — and has been placed on permanent leave.
Despite his absence, Alwyn’s impact can be felt in several of the works the department has chosen to highlight.
The University is less sad to announce the recent termination of Matty Healy, an accidental hire who caused nothing but problems in the department during his short time here. He may fit the bill for a tortured poet, but the university found that his contributions were just... too small.
Many of this semester’s poems will clarify just what happened with Healy.
We at the university believe Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist. So, after years of losing the honor, Puth will be awarded Teacher of the Year. It may sound random, but we’re doing it anyway.
