Perhaps I've seen He's Just Not That Into You one too many times. Whenever I start to question something in my relationship, I literally hear Justin Long's voice go, "Oh boy, if they do that, they are totally not into you." If you're dating a neat freak or someone really particular about their things — you may start to wonder what's up if your SO refuses to leave stuff at your place. Is Justin's voice chiming in with bad news? Are we in the clear? (Spoiler: It's fine and you're fine.)
"Some people like their own space and feel that their home is their safe place," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show shares. "This is not necessarily a reflection on the relationship. It just a characteristic that may have everything to do with personal comfort and nothing to do with their feelings for you. When in doubt — ask them."
If your boo is always quick to pack up and you're starting to fret — don't worry, I got you. I asked Dr. Klapow all of my anxious questions about what it means when your boo isn't leaving things at your place, and his answers were informative and helpful.
If your boo doesn't leave their things at your place, you may question if they have another boo (or boos).
"It’s very important that we don’t get into the trap of assumption without communication," Dr. Klapow says. "Making you your mind about if they are seeing people or not should not be determined by whether or not they leave things at your house — it should be made by asking them directly."
If your boo is pretty private or likes their alone time, it may feel more comfortable to them to keep their things at their place. Or they may not leave their clothes or books around to show you they respect your space and don't want to intrude on your zone. If your boo doesn't leave their things at your house and it's bothering you, ask them about it.
You may wonder if your partner's inability to leave their work bag at your house means that they don't take the relationship as seriously as you do. Of course, Dr. Klapow asserts that the location of material objects can't be indicative of where the relationship is going.
"There are far too many reasons why they might not leave something that have nothing to do with them not seeing a future with you," Dr. Klapow says. "We get into this trap of looking for signs and signals. Assumptions can do more harm to the relationship than speaking directly."
Though it's good to be present and engaged in your relationship, reading too much into things without asking your boo direct questions can lead to some major miscommunication. If you find yourself assuming your boo's feelings without literally asking them how they're feeling, open up a dialogue. The truth will set your free — from your own doubts and assumptions.
If your boo doesn't want to share space with you right this minute, that must mean they never see you living together, right? Dr. Klapow's answer got right to the point.
"No. If your partner is not leaving things and you want them to leave things tell them. If you are curious about them wanting to move in with you — ask them," Dr. Klapow says. "If you make your conclusion that they don’t want to move in with you because they aren’t leaving things at your house you are not giving them or the relationship a fair shot. Don’t assume, communicate."
If you let your own worries impact how you see your boo's actions, you may be limiting your relationship. Basing what you think your boo wants for the future on things they're doing now (that they may not even notice they're doing) isn't giving them a chance to show you how they really feel.
If your boo doesn't like leaving things at your house, try opening up a conversation about it. Your partner may just be a little finicky about their stuff and totally unaware that their quirks are making you question things. When in doubt, talk about it! If your partner won't unpack their overnight bag, it doesn't necessarily mean there's other baggage hidden.
