Tim McGovern

Raised in Long Island, went to school in Chicago, living in Los Angeles. Yes, I'm slowly sinking into the Pacific Ocean.

Recent Articles

Kylie Jenner Hanging With Travis Scott Is Us Trying To Make Our Exes Jealous

Who hasn't, after breaking up with someone, taken that obligatory Instagram picture with a random hottie to make an ex jealous? Personally, I usually have to resort to photoshopping a random model from a Sears catalogue into my picture since no one w…
By Tim McGovern

'Veep' Had To Cut A Golden Shower Joke Because Trump's Dossier Made It Too Real

Hey, did you guys catch the last episode of "Veep?" You know, the one where Mike the press secretary says Hitler didn't use chemical weapons on his own people. Ha! Oh man, can you imagine someone actually saying that in real life? Wait, wait. Oh, tha…
By Tim McGovern

New United Video Shows How Much Their CEO Exaggerated In Letter To Employees

By now, we've all seen the horrifying footage of a doctor being dragged off a United Airlines flight by authorities. After that, United's CEO Oscar Munoz merely apologized for "having to re-accomodate these customers" and didn't have any apologetic w…
By Tim McGovern

This Little Girl Asked For A Poop-Themed Birthday Party And She Was Very Obliged

One hero mom is making all of your moms look like the wicked stepmother from "Cinderella" by comparison. A woman from St. Louis, Missouri named Rebecca repeatedly queried her then-2-year-old daughter Audrey about how she wanted to ring in her third b…
By Tim McGovern

Chrissy Teigen Did The Nicest Thing For Fan Who Wanted To Attend Beauty School

Chrissy Teigen is not only one of the best people to follow on Twitter, she's also an angel in human form. World, meet Mercedes Edney. Mercedes is a beauty school attendee with a passion for posting helpful beauty tips on social media. Mercedes had …
By Tim McGovern

United Passenger Dragged Off Plane Was Drooling Blood In Video: 'Just Kill Me'

By now, you've probably already seen the horrifying footage of a man savagely getting dragged off a United Airlines flight by a security official after the flight had been overbooked. Not only was the man who claimed to be a doctor dragged out, the p…
By Tim McGovern

Kylie Jenner Randomly Crashed A Prom And The Entire High School Freaked Out

Unlike Emma Stone, who declined a young lad's "La La Land"-themed promposal, Kylie Jenner is all about making prom dreams come true. While my junior year prom ended with my date (and mega-crush) basically ditching me to hang out with one of my best f…
By Tim McGovern

Eating This Low Calorie Protein Will Help You Lose Weight... And Friends

Looking to shed a few pounds by switching to a lean protein? Boy, do I have the choice of meat for you. I'll give you a few hints: It can be found in your house or apartment. It can be found at eye-level. Um... You are what you eat? Give up? OK, spoi…
By Tim McGovern

Video Shows Shia LaBeouf Accusing Man Of Being Racist For Not Giving Him Fries

It's sad more people have seen Shia LaBeouf flip out at a bartender than the entirety of the UK has seen "Man Down." According to an eyewitness, Shia LaBeouf had been "pounding back beers" for three hours on Wednesday night at a bowling alley, Pinz i…
By Tim McGovern

Shia LaBeouf's New Movie Literally Sold 1 Ticket And We’re Cringing For Him

Let it be known only one man is down to see "Man Down." Remember that time only one person from your list of 237 invitees came to your adult birthday party? No, just me? Wonderful. Well, a similar situation happened to none other than Shia LaBeouf fo…
By Tim McGovern

Chrissy Teigen Shows Off Gruesome Bruise On Inner Thigh: 'I Now Do Stunts'

Let's be real: Bruises are the worst. However, once the pain has dulled, they're pretty awesome to show off to your friends and brag about. This one time, I twisted my ankle during a game of basketball, and the resulting bruise and swelling made my l…
By Tim McGovern

This 'Harry Potter' Theory About Snape's Death Will Blow Your Mind

If you're like me, you still haven't gotten over Snape's heartbreaking death in "The Deathly Hallows." Snape, one the greatest double agents in literary history, was actually good all along and really, really, really wanted to bang Harry Potter's dea…
By Tim McGovern

IKEA Employee Created A 'Game Of Thrones' Toilet That's An IRL Iron Throne

"Game of Thrones" characters don't exactly have the best track record with sitting on the Iron Throne or toilets. For the case of the Iron Throne, one needs only to look at everyone who has died while ruling on it (which is, by rough estimation, like…
By Tim McGovern

Sorry Drake, But JLo Introduced A-Rod To Her Mom So Yeah, It's Getting Serious

Any hope JLo would somehow would take Drake back after the two split has no more life. (Get it? More Life? I'll go.) Why? Because things are getting serious AF between Jenny from the Block and her current boyfriend and former Bronx Bomber Alex Rodrig…
By Tim McGovern

New York Post Hacked App Sent Out Some Really Disturbing Alerts: 'Heil President'

It was April Fools' Day on Saturday so naturally, we were all on our toes. Was Karen actually pregnant? Did Tom and Susie actually get engaged? Was my cousin actually arrested in a bank heist gone wrong? Did the New York Post actually send out an ale…
By Tim McGovern

Girl Tests BF With Prank Using Pregnant Underage Teen That Goes Horribly Wrong

I said it when a girlfriend tested her plumber boyfriend, I said it when a girlfriend tested her boyfriend with a Kim Kardashian look-alike (whom he later had sex with): Entrapping your significant other is a horrible idea, but at the same time, it's…
By Tim McGovern

Dinosaur Foreplay Existed So If T-Rex Cuddled Before Sex So Can Your SO

The thought that a Tyrannosaurus Rex probably got more action on the reg than I am right now is certainly a sobering one. But the idea the "Lizard King" actually had more game than I do? Damn, I'm impressed, my extinct, scaly friend. Scientists have …
By Tim McGovern

Student Creates A 'F*ck Trump' Lipstick, A Pussy Hat For Your Mouth

It's time to smash the patriarchy with some pretty stellar lipstick in the process. Thanks to student Katie Sones, who attends Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo, you can now own a lipstick that sticks it to the man (literally), you know, now that we live und…
By Tim McGovern

New Cristiano Ronaldo Statue Doesn't Look Like Him At All And Twitter Has Jokes

Cristiano Ronaldo may be a soccer star in human form, but in statue form? In statue form, he looks like a mixture of The Joker and Stephen King's "It" (check out the new trailer for "It" right here, by the by). WHY. SO. SERIOUS??! The new bust is th…
By Tim McGovern

Cats Want Your Love More Than Food And Probably Aren't Plotting Your Murder

If you had asked me earlier what I thought about cats, I would have said, "Cats meow outside. How bow dah?" Now, I can officially say I perhaps misjudged cats... even though I am definitely trademarking "Cats meow outside. How bow dah?" Originally, I…
By Tim McGovern