During the honeymoon phase, most couples can find more than enough time to have sex. That's because, when relationships are still new, hopping into bed can feel like one of the most natural ways to enjoy some quality time with bae. However, as things settle into a routine or your schedules get more hectic, keeping the sexual momentum high can start to require a more concentrated effort. For anyone who's ever wondered how to have spontaneous sex when your schedule is busy, this one's for you.
According to sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, even though penciling sex into your schedule might sound like a buzzkill, it can actually be a really effective way of keeping things hot. "Scheduling sex can feel unsexy, so you might want to consider secretly scheduling sex at a time that will most likely accommodate both of your schedules," Dr. Jess tells Elite Daily.
To avoid the predictability issue of scheduled sex, Dr. Jess recommends a more organic approach to carving out sexy time. "Rather than designating Wednesday night as date night, each person plans to initiate sex once per week (or twice per week or once a month depending on how often you want to have sex." Even though the sex you plan might not feel spontaneous, the sex that they plan for you will! Plus, if one of you feels like they're always the one who has to take initiative in the bedroom, agreeing to surprise each other with sex sessions can also make the responsibilities feel like they're spread more evenly between the two of you.
"This helps to address the common challenge of initiating sex, which tends to fall on one partner who often becomes frustrated and resentful over time," agrees Dr. Jess. "Even though the element of spontaneity may be undermined by the need to schedule sex, by taking turns with their lover, each partner gets a 'surprise' sex session at some point throughout the week."
So, let's say you've both agreed to take the lead and initiate sex with each other however many times a week suits your relationship — but, how can you ensure you both follow through without getting caught up in your respective schedules or just forgetting?" Some set their alarms twenty minutes early once a week or surprise their partner in the shower," says Dr. Jess. "If you’re exhausted, you can always use your hands, toys, mouth or other props instead of having a specific type of sex."
Even though it can be tempting to get caught up in how amazing things were when you had a ton of sex and didn't have to put in an effort to make it happen, for most couples, sustained, can't-get-enough-of-you passion starts to fade eventually. Once you add in the stress of a packed schedule, it's understandable why physical intimacy may have started to become less of priority. Luckily, Dr. Jess emphasizes spontaneity is not the end all and be all of a deeply satisfying sex life.
"Spontaneity is obviously fun, but when you’re very busy, almost nothing is spontaneous," explains Dr. Jess. "To increase the likelihood of having sex, be sure to schedule dedicated time together without your phones glued to your hands. You won’t have sex every time you hang out, but you will likely find that spontaneous sex occurs more often if you actually carve out time to be alone together."
Just because setting aside time for intimacy might not sound like the sexiest, most spontaneous thing, that doesn't mean that it's not effective — especially when the responsibility is shared. If your sex life has started to slow down, it's also important to remember that this isn't inherently a bad thing. It's normal for the amount of sex a couple has to ebb and flow depending on the peripheral things going on in your respective lives. However, if you'd like to amp up the amount of sex you're having and still make it feel organic, it might be time for both of you to reach for your calendars.