So, tell me if this sounds familiar. For as long as you and your partner have been together, the agreement was always that you either didn't want kids, or at least not until some far-off time in the future. But now, something has changed. In the past, when you commented on being glad you aren't stuck home on the weekends like our friends with kids, instead of chiming in like they normally would, your SO just goes quiet. My friend, that may be one of the signs your partner wants to have kids with you, but hasn't worked up the nerve to tell you directly, so they just want to gently feel you out on the subject of starting a family.
Are you panicking? Please don't. I'm not saying they're going to start hiding your birth control pills or anything, just that it's possible that their feelings about having a family with you are evolving. This can happen, even to the most previously determined-not-to-procreate folks, as they get older or as your relationship grows closer and they start to really see a future with the person they're with. If you suspect this might be happening to your SO, well, there are more signs you can keep an eye out for. Signs that, the experts say when taken together, may prove that your SO has caught a serious case of baby fever.
Does your partner who used never to notice kids (unless they were being obnoxious) suddenly point out ones they find especially adorable? If so, they are exhibiting one of the main, if subtle, symptoms of baby fever. NYC relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter tells Elite Daily that if your partner is doing this, it’s because “he or she is trying to get a 'read' on how you feel as you observe these little creatures. Is your response warm and friendly? Are you cooing with appreciation?” If so, she says, “they've just established solid groundwork for a conversation on this topic.” And a real conversation on the subject may be coming next.
While pointing out babies on the street may be subtle, licensed psychologist Wyatt Fisher says the earliest signs that your partner has started wanting to have kids with you may be even more indirect. They may not bring up children at all, but they could just “start discussing long-term plans together more often,” in an effort to gauge where you are in general. That way, they have a better idea if their long-term plans mesh with yours — and if a family even is a possibility.
If your partner starts oh-so-casually dropping comments about “what an amazing parent you would be,” Fisher says they are likely trying to drop hints about wanting to have kids with you. It’s not just about giving you a sincere compliment, but about gauging your response to the idea of being seen as a parent.
Has the fact that your friends have kids become a topic of discussion? Winter says your partner may be employing another subtle tactic to open the conversation from another angle. She says that bringing up the idea that your peers are having kids makes the “experience of children more personal and tangible to you.” She says they will “make sure to talk positively about the news of this pregnancy," and this is so that they can, “bring the discussion closer to home, and to be the catalyst that initiates a serious discussion about children.”
If these signs are hitting close to home, you're probably wondering what to do about it. Well, if in the process you realize the idea actually sounds great, then you're in luck! Winter says, “Now you know that you and your partner are on the same page. The next step is to plan a time frame that would be good for you both; career-wise and financially.” She adds, “The discussion of having a family is pivotal to any couple that can foresee a future together. This is not an area where either partner can make assumptions. Each person's preference has to be clearly articulated so that the relationship has a game plan moving forward.”
This is especially true if the two of you aren't in agreement on the subject. For instance, if your partner really does want to have kids, Fisher says you have to let them know you don’t. “Be open about this early so your partner knows where you stand," Fisher advises, adding, "Otherwise, they'll feel like you're leading them on with false hope."
Listen, making the decision to have a family is a big one, and it's important to be honest with yourself and you partner about where you stand on the subject. If your truth is that you just don’t want to, that is totally OK too. No matter how much pressure folks put on you to have kids, the choice of whether or not you do it is yours — and you get to make it. Just remember: Baby fever is contagious, especially when you're with the right person, so try and keep an open mind.
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