Some of these might sound crazy, but I want you to hear me out.
People have been f*cking to music since the dawn of time (1967). But you don't want to simply rehash old experiences.
How many times are you going to get down to Marvin Gaye? Stop being so predictable in the bedroom.
Show her how unique and creative you are with these five albums that just might create the best sexual experience you ever had.
1. Volcano by Jimmy Buffett
Use your brain, folks. This album is called Volcano.
Jimmy Buffett's overlooked ninth studio album is perfect for a night of pina coladas, parrots and tropical love-making. The sexual ebb and flow of Buffett's pitch-perfect songwriting may have eluded generations before us, but devoted students of love will not let this Opera-Of-Id fade from our collective memory (or our collective bedroom).
Start off teasing your partner during the intoxicating ballad “Fins,” a song so powerful that when performed in concert, whole stadiums of people put their hands on their heads like a shark and move the “to the left” and “to the right.” Then move on to the orgy of musical options including, “Treat Her Like A Lady,” “Stranded On A Sandbar” and “Dreamsicle.” Feel free to skip “Chanson Pour Les Petites Enfants.” The climax of this sensual feast is the cult classic, “Boat Drinks.” (That cult: the cult of orgasms.)
The last track is called “Sending the Old Man Home.” Need I say more?
2. The Regis Philbin Christmas Album
I need everyone to hear me out and envision this...
It's Christmas time. You and your lover are snuggled up next to a fireplace and things start to get hot, so you go to play some "mood music." But you can't just throw on any Christmas album: Those things are full of memories!
A Jolly Christmas From Frank Sinatra? Reminds you of Grandma's house. A Very She and Him Christmas? Reminds you of your ex! You need something new.
Now you want this to be special, you want to make a memory, and therefore, you don't want too much sexual competition. So you can't throw on Christmas by Buble. You'll lose that battle every time. This is Christmas by Luther Vandross? Are you insane?! You want to focus on your partner, and you want your partner to focus on you.
So how about a Christmas Album by a 74-year old man whose crooning is a non-threatening "B-"? Someone who sings secular Christmas classics in a serviceable but totally detached style. Someone kind of sweet and seemingly familiar, but you've never really heard him sing, so you're like, “Is that the guy from "Millionaire"? Nah, no way.” And then you get back to the good stuff.
I submit for your consideration: The Regis Philbin Christmas Album*.
*Addendum: On this album, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is sung as a duet -- between Regis Philbin and Donald Trump. At one point, Regis sings, “Then one foggy Christmas Eve, the Trumpster came to say…” And then Trump chimes in with, “You know Rudolph, I've been on a worldwide search, and I hear your qualifications are just right to guide my sleigh tonight.” This is real.**
**Second addendum: At the end of the track, Regis starts inexplicably introducing Rudolph to other “New York Royalty.” Lines include:
- “Rudolph, come on in here and meet everybody. Hey Rudolph, there's Kelly!”
- “Hey Rudolph, check it out. The New York Yankees are here. There's A-Rod. And there's Jeter…”
- The song ends with Trump saying, “Rudolph, you're hired. Blitzen, you're fired.”
3. The "Twin Peaks" Theme Music
Let's get weird because you know you want to f*ck to this.
This classic piece of nostalgia is perfect for fulfilling you and your partner's bizarre high school fantasies. It's Kitschy. It's epic. It might remind you of a gruesome murder. But...
Doesn't it also remind you of the first time you fell in love? The first time he offered to put you on the back of his motorcycle and just "get outta town"? Doesn't it remind of you of cups of coffee and abandoned factories and Ray Wise screaming like a mad man? Now I don't know what turns you freaks on, but this all sounds like sexual music to my sexual ears.
If you indulge in original sin while listening to this haunting track, you are now part of the mystery, the intrigue, the soap opera romance you always wanted before you knew what you wanted!
It's sad. It's smooth. It's returning to Showtime in 2017. Start having sex to the "Twin Peaks" theme before it isn't cool anymore.
4. The Three Tenors In Concert
Honestly, no offense, but you're not ready to have sex to this album.
Plácido Domingo, José Carreras and Luciano Pavarotti team up for a concert of classical arias, American standards and epic opera. The results are too powerful for the human sex drive. If you try to f*ck to this, The Three Tenors in Concert will literally blow your dick off like a cheap firework.
Look, everyone wants to f*ck to it, but people's vaginas have melted off during Domingo's “Granada.” I knew a guy who literally came out of his ears after Pavarotti did “My Way.” I heard you can have an orgasm just by walking past the album jacket. People who auto-asphyxiate can only dream of the climax they would have if they listened to the Three Tenors cover of “America” from "West Side Story."
When this concert aired on TV, 1.3 billion people watched it. Translation: 1.3 billion people came in their jeans. F*ck to this at your own risk.
5. "The Means of Ascent: The Years of Lyndon Johnson" by Robert Caro (the audiobook)
The second volume in Robert Caro's definitive biography of LBJ is the audiobook no one is f*cking to but that everybody should be. While all your friends are getting it on to "Master of the Senate," you're a little less obvious, and she likes that about you.
Start by partaking in light foreplay during the WWII chapters. Then as Caro turns his eye to the explosive 1948 Texas Senatorial Democratic Primary, you can turn your eye to a dirty, nasty, voter-fraud inducing, Texas-sized f*ckfest. Trust me: It won't just be Johnson's political fortune that will be ascending.
There's also plenty opportunity for role-playing. Undoubtedly, you'll want to be Johnson. (What's in a name? Johnson.) As LBJ, you take charge. You play dirty. You hand Mexicans five-dollar bills to vote for you.
Meanwhile, your partner has exciting options. Maybe she wants to be Lady Bird Johnson, coming into her own as a behind-the-scenes political force. Maybe she wants to be Johnson's grizzled cowboy opponent, Coke “Mr. Texas” Stevenson. Or maybe, if you play your cards wisely, she'll want to be American politics. (Your job? Change her forever.)
Johnson won the election by 87 votes. Minus 18. That's 69.