If it weren't for my boyfriend's incredible dick, we wouldn't even be dating right now. I'm addicted to that perfect penis. I swear the reason we became exclusive was because he threatened to take the dick away. Now we're in love or whatever.
I can always count on my friend Ari for brutally honest statements, even when totally unsolicited.
The good dick is something none of us want to talk about. I suppose it's because we don't want to admit that something so uncontrollable can play a huge role in our relationships. But one day, as I sat picking at my side of brussel sprouts, I started thinking about that good D.
I remembered a story my sister told me about her most recent boo thang. She humored me by telling me about his disappointing dick size -- his shortcoming, if you will -- and when I asked her if this was a deal breaker, she simply said, "Well, it's not the dick I'm going to marry."
The question burned in the back of my mind: Would a woman stay in a relationship longer if there were a fantastic, godly penis involved? How important is a good dick in a good relationship?
At some point in our lives, we all have "love at first dick." The dick that got away. The goddamn unicorn dick. The magical D that delivered orgasms from straight penetration.
And once you've seen a dick like that -- that literally makes you open-mouth gasp -- you are constantly on a search for that dick. You compare everything to that first special dick.
I'm sorry if this sounds superficial, but sometimes you just need a good dick. It's important. Sometimes all that vibrator action just isn't going to do it for you. It isn't going to get you there. You need a good old dicking. And that's okay. That is life.
I have a confession to make: I always go for a hand job on the first or second date. Why? Because I want to see what I'm in for. If there isn't good dick, what's the point of living?
To see if I was alone here, I conducted an informal survey. I asked dozens of women how they feel about dick size. Almost half of them said they'd dump a guy with a small penis, and a few of them even said a small penis was their biggest turn-off.
I feel you, ladies. Hardcore.
We all know dick size is important when it comes to dating. We just aren't saying it.
Anyone who says dick size doesn't matter is a liar. Every woman I surveyed said that sex was fairly to extremely important in a relationship. "I didn't even realize how important the dick was to me until I took this survey," one of our staff writers told me.
According to a LiveScience article that reports on a study from The Journal Of Sexual Medicine, women who have "frequent vaginal orgasms are more likely than other women to say they climax more easily with men with larger penises. Women who tend to prefer penile-vaginal intercourse over other types of sex also say the same."
Essentially, women who are getting off are saying that they appreciate a good dick.
The article also acknowledges that penis size elicits as much anxiety for men as intelligence, looks and personality traits.
You can teach the motion of the ocean, but you unfortunately cannot grow a dick.
A quarter of the women I talked to said dick size was more important than sexual skill, and a little over a third said that a man's size and skill are equally important.
And while I'd certainly agree that a man with a big dick and no clue how to use it is a waste of a great penis, you can teach well-endowed people a few tricks to utilize their God-given pecker.
When it comes to a pinky dick, however, you can only put so many pillows under your ass before you're ready to give up and get back on Tinder.
Sometimes you just want to get filled, you know?
Size matters, but one dick doesn't fit all.
The national average dick size is about 5.6 inches. When was the last time you met a woman who was down with a 5-and-a-half-inch wiener?
When it comes to dick size, it's true that bigger will always reign supreme. Even if a guy doesn't know what the f*ck he's doing with a big penis, you can take the lead and work around his juvenile bedroom fodder.
With a smaller dick, there isn't a lot of wiggle room (pun intended). You have to bank on his mouth. Even so, are you going to spend your life with a man with a small penis? Answer that question.
Fortunately, what's important for most women about dick size isn't length -- it's girth, according to Live Science:
A penis with larger girth brings the clitoris closer to the vagina during sex, which has been suggested to help with achieving orgasm.
Now, it might seem like there's some standard perfect length and thickness of a good dick. But a good dick is truly subjective from lady to lady. You have to find the perfect dick for you. One woman's python is another woman's preference. The thick-dicked man of one woman's dreams is another woman's nightmare.
There is such a thing as TOO BIG, and that isn't a good penis. No one wants to limp the next day because the sheer sight of a man's enormous schlong caused her vagina to dry up faster than the Sahara Desert.
Ideal length and thickness also varies depending on the situation. LiveScience suggests that women prefer penises with bigger girths for one-night stands but slightly smaller girths for long-term relationships.
Well, what it comes down to is the novelty of a massive cock during a one-time encounter. You're all about the enormity of a Herculean phallus when you're thinking about scribbling in your journal about conquests past.
When it comes to an every day dicking and finding Mr. Right (Dick), though, you want a nice dick that doesn't cause your vagina to recoil at the thought of putting something so huge inside of it.
A dick is like a jigsaw puzzle; you have to find the right size for you. You have to find YOUR magical unicorn dick -- you know, the dick that inspires orgasms from the mere thought of penetration.
It's like the quest for the Holy Grail. Only it's the holy dick.