Do you reach out? Do you wait it out? Is it OK to cry?
Dating can be a lot of fun. You get to meet new people, share experiences, define and fine tune your interests, better understand what you’re looking for in a partner and in partnership, and open yourself up to sharing a little passion and romance with someone new. It’s exciting, all of the promise and pleasure a first (or fifth) date holds. But with all the good stuff, there are just as many nerves that come along with putting yourself out there — awkward dates, a lack of chemistry, or dates that don't happen at all because the other person doesn't show. Being stood up is awful and difficult to navigate, and how you react in the moment can be just as confusing. Do you reach out? Do you wait it out? Is it OK to cry? Before you react, knowing how to make a situation where you think you're being stood up less painful and uncomfortable is a good place to start.
The first step, according to Alessandra Conti, matchmaker, dating expert and co-founder of Matchmakers In The City, is to just accept that sometimes it happens, but it's hardly the end of the world. "In our generation, apps have made it incredibly easy to make plans and then flake on plans," Conti tells Elite Daily, adding "especially if the plan is vague, and there is no set date/time/location, so be sure to firm up plans at least a day before you are set to meet up." Being clear about meeting time and place is just about all you can do before a date, and Conti suggests sending a low-stakes text on the day of your date. Because the best defense is a good offense, saying something along the lines of, “Hey! Still on for tonight?” can help eliminate the Will they? Won’t they? game you’re playing in your head. And to alleviate the pressure on your date, Conti says it’s “always good to text your date when you are on your way to the location to give them a realistic ETA. If you are running a few minutes late, it is best to let them know, or you might risk them thinking that they are the one getting stood up!"
Communication is key, but when you’re waiting at your local coffee shop with two lattes in hand 15 minutes past meeting time, it can be hard to find the words to figure out what to do next. Todd Baratz, a psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, tells Elite Daily, “There is no right or wrong way to manage the feelings that accompanying being stood up or rejected.” It sucks, he says, adding “the only way to handle [it] is to cope as best as you can.” Knowing this, here are a few more expert-approved tips and tools to help you navigate being stood up on a date.
Being stood up feels awful, but don’t beat yourself up about it. Conti agrees, saying, “You should absolutely not feel embarrassed at all. Dating is tough. You never know what kind of emotional issues the other person is dealing with. Maybe they have crippling social anxiety, and had a panic attack on the way to see you. Maybe they just got out of a traumatic relationship, and thought that they were ready to date, but ended up not being [ready] after all.” Whatever the case may be, the most important takeaway here is that you should not take it personally. “They do not know you. You are merely a representation of the dating world to them, and they were not ready to take that leap,” says Conti. So, yes, it’s a bummer, but shake it off. In this case, it really isn't you. It’s them. And Baratz agrees. “Nobody wants to be rejected,” he says, and offers some next steps that feel extremely doable. “Let whatever feelings arise but do your best not to philosophize or internalize that rejection as being connected to your personal value.” If you have to keep repeating “It’s not me, it’s you,” over and over again, then you should do it.
Lee recommends a lot of positive self-talk. “I would tell myself other things like, ‘How they do something is how they do everything,’ and that, ‘I might just well have dodged a bullet.’” She also says it’s a great time to consider, “If they are behaving this way (being irresponsible about my time/our date) now, what else might they do down the road if I had invested more time and energy into the relationship? They don't deserve me wasting another ounce of emotion or energy when I should be focusing on being the best version of myself for the best person out there waiting for me.” Once you’ve seen someone’s true colors, trust that.
If you’re not ready to waltz right out of the bar or park you’ve been waiting at, Lee suggests spending the rest of your night doing something kind to yourself. “Depending on where you're at and how much time you have,” she says, “ask yourself: What can you do to make the best of the situation? It might be to treat yourself to a big meal at that restaurant, or a stroll along the river. You could also do a detour and check out something that you've always wanted to [in] that vicinity,” she says.
For some, being stood up can play into a larger narrative we tell ourselves, and that thinking can be harmful. It doesn’t hurt to invest in professional help, someone to help you make sense of what you’re feeling and help you address why. Baratz says being stood up “may bring up feelings or old beliefs of lacking value or not being good enough,” so you should absolutely “explore the role that has played in your life and do your best not to personalize” what happened on one date.
The best way to deal with the situation, says Huerta, is to avoid being hard on yourself and do some self care. “Being stood up isn't a graceful situation, so cut yourself some slack if it throws you off. Call your best friend or someone you can talk to as you're leaving if you feel embarrassed.” She also says that just because you didn't go on the date doesn't mean you have to miss out. “If you were looking forward to dinner, get on Uber Eats or Postmates and order your favorite dinner so that you have something arriving as soon as you get home.”
While being stood up in the moment can really suck, take it from someone who has been there: The sting goes away quickly and, who knows? Maybe being stood up is a blessing in disguise. Like Conti says, “I once met a guy out at a bar who was stood up from [a date],” she says. “He was at the bar alone, was about to leave, and then I bumped into him and we started chatting. We ended up chatting for the rest of the night, had an absolute ball, and going out for a few months. This story just goes to show: If you are stood up, brush yourself off, have a drink at the bar/restaurant, and chat with a cute girl at the bar... you never know.”
Conti’s right: You never know when or where you'll meet someone special. Try to remember that it's not your fault that you got stood up, and that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Tell yourself you’re fabulous, and believe it. Your future partner will be so lucky this person blew their chance with you.
Additional reporting by Kylie McConville
Experts:
Alessandra Conti, matchmaker, dating expert and co-founder of Matchmakers In The City
Todd Baratz, certified sex therapist, licensed individual and couples psychotherapist, podcast host, and writer
Elle Huerta, CEO and founder of the breakup app Mend
Dr. Martha Tara Lee, relationship counselor, clinical sexologist, author, and owner of Eros Coaching
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